My seatwork was a piece of paper divided in half. On the
left side it said “What does your father do?” On the right, “What does your
mother do?”
On the left side, I wrote “My father is full professor of
English at Illinois State University in Bloomington. He went to school at
Cornell and Michigan. He is the world’s foremost authority on diary
literature.”
On the right side of the paper, I wrote “My mother cooks and
cleans.”
You can imagine her reaction.
I learned more about my mother over the last few decades.
Here is what I would put on the right side of the page today.
Jill Doner Kagle was a social worker. It was an exhausting
job. When she came home after work, she sat on the couch to watch The Man from
UNCLE with my father. She was asleep before the titles ended. It evoked a kind
of Pavlovian response: for the rest of her life, she’d fall asleep when she
heard the theme song. This exhaustion (coupled with the time someone threatened
her with a gun) led her to leave social work for higher education.
Jill Doner Kagle was a full professor of Social Work at the
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Her students described her classes
as difficult but rewarding. One time, she was in a meeting with her dean who
asked why only three of her four classes made the Excellence in Teaching list.
You can imagine her reaction; shortly afterwards she was the dean.
It was a stressful job. When she visited the doctor about recurring
headaches, the doctor said “I looked at your chart and thought Could it be
HER JOB?”
I asked her why she made the career move, and she said there
weren’t any good candidates. She took the post only until they found someone
better qualified. She was dean for seven years.
Jill Doner Kagle never lied. We know this, because she told
us herself. Her article Are We Lying to Ourselves About Deception says
we shouldn’t see lying as an abnormal breaking of trust, but as a common way of
establishing personal boundaries. If you want to know more, it’s in the journal
“Social Service Review” and costs $17. Her biography ends with the sentence
“She never lies.”
I highly recommend you check her bio out yourself. You will
have to pay another $17.
And yes, Jill Doner Kagle cooked. She studied Julia Child
because my brother and I thought my father’s cooking was tantamount to child
abuse.
And yes, Jill Doner Kagle cleaned.
She kept the cleanest home I have ever seen. She said it was because the kids
at summer camp blamed her when their cabin was messy.
Jill Doner Kagle loved her children. When people asked my
parents which child was their favorite, my father would say “Whichever one I’m
with.” My mother would say “Whichever one I’m not with.” It was a good way of
making sure she didn’t get asked that question again.
The truth was she loved both of us equally (even though one
of us was clearly better). The truth was her love was enough for ten children.
The truth was we were the most important things in her life.
She would do anything for us, no matter how difficult or
costly or painful it was. She paid for expensive schools, babysat our
children, took our families on vacation, did our housekeeping and would always
be there when we needed us. She was our greatest cheerleader and defender and
woe to anyone who hurt us because holy fuck Jill Doner Kagle could hold a
grudge.
Jill Doner Kagle is my mother.
My mother is gone.
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