Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Hoarding Wealth Meme

I've run across this meme a lot over the years:




And while I enjoy it, I thought I'd run it through the good 'ol MemeBreaker 2000 (patent pending).  Here's what it spat out:


Saturday, May 14, 2016

Birthday 46: The Hair

We all know why you come to this blog.
We all know it's not for my brilliant humor.
We all know it's not for my incisive political treatises.
We all know it's not for my moving stories of personal anguish.

It's the hair.  You're here to see what color I did this year.

Well, I'll cut to the point.  Hair you go.  You don't want to mousse this.  I hope you like my style of humor.  Hope you don't dye laughing.  Hope you like the final product. Are you feeling curlish?

Okay, I'm out of hairstyling jokes.

Ta-daa!

Jeez, I'm looking more and more like Bob from Twin Peaks as I get older.

My last visit to the red lodge.  Sadly, right after the red wedding.
Here's a picture with Helen, the woman who waits with bated breath for my birthday to come so she can go crazy with my head.

She put the woosh on my head on purpose.  I think it's revenge for something I said.
Red is the last of the spectrum colors I was going to change my hair into.  It's also one of the best.  It's so bright, it's shocking to people.  It's even shocking to Skype.  Whenever my Skype camera sees my head, it tries to color correct the world.

Here's what that looks like.

Worth it.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Birthday 46: Oops



So, you all remember last week?

The police were looking into the possibility Prince had an overdose.  iPhone sales dropped in the first time since forever.  Donald Trump was an idiot that was loved by an overwhelming number of idiots.

Seems like it was only last week.

Anyway, I wrote this post about my birthday.  Quick precis: poor kids.  Slightly longer precis: Instead of having a birthday party for myself, I wanted everyone to give money to a charity that throws birthday parties for homeless children.

Sounds like a nice idea, right?

Well....

I linked to Birthday Wishes, a charity that throws parties on the east coast.  I meant to link to Birthday Dreams, which throws them nation-wide.

No!  Wait, they do parties for kids in the "Puget Sound area."  (Fun fact: Puget Sound is the name of a kind of light rock often played at coffee shops.)

I meant to link to The Birthday Party Project, which throws them nation-wide.

No!  Wait, they...  Oh, no, that was the right one.

It turns out there are several charities that give parties for homeless kids.  Pick one.  I'm sure they're all nice.

As for me, this whole experience has been too traumatic.  I've given up on the idea of donating money for my birthday.  I'm going to spend it on an assistant who can verify all the URLs I post here.

In the meantime, check out this cute picture of a little, fuzzy kitten.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Birthday 46: The Final Decision


So, I'm about to be old.  Really, really old.  Old enough to be your father old.  Old enough for people to describe the decades of my childhood as a pre-technological wasteland.  Old enough that people younger than me die of natural causes.  Old enough to know better.  Old as...

Two things I'm older than.
I lost track there.  Happens to people my age.  What was I saying?

Oh, right, I've got a birthday coming up.  Now, as you know, I do awesome things on my birthday every year, but I've been running out of awesome things to do.  I needed more awesomeness.  A birthday concept with a lot of awesomeosity.

I decided on microbirthdays; I would travel to friends's homes with cake, candles, and drinks to share.  I even created a form so people could submit birthday requests.

Nobody submitted any requests.

At first I was a bit disappointed (i.e. hurt) and became despondent (i.e. angry).  Then I had an uncomfortable epiphany (i.e. night of drunkenness).  I was being selfish (i.e. normal for me).  I should use my birthday to bring joy to others (i.e. losers I don't know).  I would buy dozens of small cakes and bring them to a homeless shelter on my birthday.  They'd get a nice cake, and I'd get the gratitude of many, maybe they'd sing happy birthday.

Then I had another uncomfortable epiphany (i.e. disturbing moment of clarity that puts my character and history into doubt). I was still being selfish.  I needed to do something selfless.



This is Birthday Wishes.  They throw birthday parties for homeless children.  So far, they've donated tens of thousands of them.  I'm going to take the money I was going to spend on a birthday party and send it to them.

Here's what I want you to do:
If you were going to buy me a present, just send that money to them.
If you were going to buy me a card, just sent that money to them (plus a little more, I'd hope).
If you were going to wish me a happy birthday, send them a lot of money as penance for being a cheap bastard.

Now that is an awesome birthday.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Have Your Family Tried 'Em? Powdermilk!


Everyone knows that the things you make at home taste better and are better for you than anything processed or store bought.  I decided to test this idea; I made buttermilk biscuits this morning.

But I decided to go full out.  I'd make them as much from scratch as I could.

These would be God Biscuits: biscuits so perfect chefs from around the world would come to stare in awe.

First: Buttermilk
You can buy buttermilk from the store, but I was told (by a reputable source called The Internet) it doesn't taste the same as real buttermilk.  Instead, I bought cream.  Turns out you can make your own buttermilk by making butter.  The problem is, making butter isn't as easy as it looks in performances of Oklahoma.

Rodgers and Hammerstein made it look like you put cream in a toilet brush holder and pump it up and down a few times.

Yeah, don't do that.

According to The Internet, all you have to do is shake cream for a few minutes.  Turns out, if you shake cream for a few minutes, you get whipped cream.  I had to use a blender.

Rodgers and Hammerstein need to update Oklahoma to add an electric butter churn.

Second: Butter
You need butter to make biscuits, so I was going to have to make butter myself.  I took some cream and shook it until...

Oh, wait, I already did that.  Turns out when you make buttermilk, you also make butter.  Explains the name.

Third: Self-Rising Flour
To make self-rising flour, you have to grow wheat, separate out the hulls, and grind it into flour.  Then, you add baking powder, which you make by mixing baking soda with an acid salt.  You have to make baking soda.  Baking soda is made by combining sodium chloride, ammonia, and carbon dioxide in water.  You get sodium chloride by evaporating salt water (putting it in a pan in the sun under a magnifying glass) and then going to the store and buying some fucking self-rising flour god damn it.

Fourth: Mixing and Baking
Mix and bake.

Fifth: Digestion
Apply butter and serve with skim milk and then marvel at how your biscuits don't taste worse than the ones at McDonalds.

Sixth: Epiphany
As I was eating, I thought about how I could go even further back in the process, make things even more from scratch.  I could get whole milk and skim the cream off the top.  Then I'd separate the cream into butter and buttermilk.

Then I'd combine the butter and buttermilk again to make biscuits.  Then I'd combine the butter and butter and buttermilk and milk to make a meal.

So, I'd separate milk into three ingredients and then combine them back again.

Seventh: Laziness
Next time, I'll just drink a glass of whole milk and save myself the trouble.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Pope Pedicures


Pope: Welcome.  You are safe.  Be at peace.

Syrian Refugee: Thank you!  I've been through the worst experience of my life.  Family members killed by ISIS.  Paying my life's savings to escape.  Losing my wife overboard.  Being forced into camps instead of allowed into countries.

Pope: I'm so sorry.

Syrian Refugee: And did you see that camerawoman tripping people?  What's up with her?

Pope: It's all over now, my child.

Syrian Refugee: Thank you.

Pope: I want to wash your feet.

Syrian Refugee: I beg your pardon?

Pope: I want to wash your feet.

Syrian Refugee: I'm flattered, but I'm really not into the kinky stuff.

Pope: It's not sexual. It's a sign of humility and service towards others.

Syrian Refugee: I'd understand if you wanted to wash my hair.  I haven't had access to shampoo in months, but why my feet?

Pope: Christ washed the feet of His disciples before the Last Supper.

Syrian Refugee: Well, okay.  I guess I could sit through a pedicure.  Could you use that clear nail polish?  If any of my guy friends saw I had red toe nails...

Pope: No, I'm just going to wash them.

Syrian Refugee: And you're sure it's not a fetish?

Pope: It will be a symbol for everyone who supports your cause. It will engender compassion in those who fear you and pressure on those leaders who try to repel you.  It is definitely not sexual.

Syrian Refugee: Okay, then.


Pope: Good.  Now you understand I'll be wearing special robes and have someone film me doing it to you...

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Meme Career 5

With the internet economy, everybody seems to be posting this sign or arguing that you shouldn't.

Speaking of which, I totally will.
I've seen this meme a lot recently, too.

Another reason Radio Shack went out of business.
Which isn't entirely true.  You can't get headphones on your phone.  You have to carry them separately.

Some day cell phone manufacturers will make one you can actually hear.

However, they forgot to point out something.
Because a phone is better and cheaper than friends.

And, of course, there's one thing they really should have mentioned.

The real reason anyone uses a phone.  Or, the internet, really.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

My Best Insult






I'm not all the good at insults.  Sure, I talk a good game (Get it? Insults are spoken! Get it?!), but I always seize up when insulted in person.  I'm just not that quick.  Five minutes later, I have a good comeback.

Enter the internet.  Every conversation is on threads.  All comments are a few minutes apart.  I'm suddenly 15% smarter than in person (and 30% sexier).

I'm also far more polite on the internet.  Insulting someone from the anonymity of the internet is like what we gamers call Spawn Camping; you can hurt a large number of people without any consequences to yourself.  
Spawn Camping. .. what game is that?

I never spawn camp.  Also, I never play multiplayer shooters.

I'm also polite because I'm waiting to use a comeback in response to an insult.  It's the online equivalent of a daisy-cutter bomb: 
Insulting a stranger from the safety of the internet is the act of a coward.

I don't know why you choose to act this way, perhaps it's the abuse heaped on you by the men who pay you for sexual favors.  Perhaps it's a genetic defect surfacing after generations of inbreeding.
Whatever the reason, I have no interest in talking to you anymore.

I don't know why this works so well.  Whatever the case, most of my attackers go silent, block me, or (at the very least) sputter for a few hours and then come back with something incoherent about being insulted by someone they insulted.

Feel free to use it yourself.  It's highly gratifying.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

The Campbell's Soap

In trying to write a CV (a kind of pharmacy) I came across a television show I used to work on in college called The Campbell's Soap.  It was a show on our local, college TV network.  The premise of the show was...

Er...

I guess I don't remember.  One kid was a serial killer.  I decided he had a sock on his hand that told him to kill people.  Okay, that might have been a rip off of Night Court.

Anyway, if you go on YouTube and can stomach your way through the horrible production values, poor acting, and crude conversion to the internet, you can see some of what I did.

Here's some samples:

My scene is at 7:46 where they cart the killer away.



My scene is at about 27 seconds in about breaking up with someone (which I'd never done, hence the subtitles).

The weird thing about it for me is that it's humor.  I had a good time writing it.  I'm happy just remembering working on it.

Why is humor so difficult now?

Maybe I need to work on a team.  I wonder where all the kids from college went...

Sunday, March 20, 2016

GDC 2016 Booth Babe Report

Due to a shocking number of companies desperate for my time (or so I tell my children), I once again have little time to update this blog.  However, in the interest of keeping my rabid fans happy (or so I tell my children), I'll give you a quick update on the number of booth babes at this year's Game Developer's Conference.

There was 1.  Here she is, expressing how happy she is I deigned to take a picture with her.
"You're kinda cute for a game developer!"
She was there because of a game called Clash of Kings.  Their company was conspicuously frugal in how they set up their booth.

This picture doesn't even do it justice.
Yes.  Those are knights in armor preparing to have a sword fight.
Yes.  Those are full-sized mannequins of knights on either side.
Yes.  They built a fake castle with a carpet moat and field in front of it.
Yes.  There is a movie screen above it.
Yes.  Everyone at the conference got a Clash of Kings tote bag.

No.  I don't think the game is any good.  If you're putting that much money trying to advertise your game to geeks who make games, you're pretty desperate.

Now, if you want a good example of throwing money at geeks who make games, allow me to introduce you to the Destructoid party.  What's Destructoid?  That's an excellent question.

No, seriously, I have no idea what they are.  All I know is that they had a party.  The party looked like this:
This was the best picture I could get.
It was nearly pitch black.  The music was so loud it made my sternum vibrate.
It was packed with geeks who make games.

Oh, and they had a booth babe upstairs to greet everyone.  Now this is how you do a booth babe:
The eyes also light up in red.
I mean, I still don't know what Destructoid is, but I do know they're related to muscly guys wearing green robot heads.

So, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking "Oh, my GOD Matthew is so amazing!  I want to name all my children after him.  Also, does this mean the GDC is finally getting past its sexist roots?"

Well, yes and no.  Yes, you can name your children after me.  No, we're not past sexism.  Other than the women who told me about unwanted touching by men at the conference, there was a Microsoft party where dancers dressed as erotic schoolgirls.

Oh and there was a guy outside the Moscone Convention Center who said "Independent game developer party tonight!" and handed me this card:

Yup.  A strip club.
The battle rages on, friends.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Lies

I found plagiarism this morning, and it was so upsetting, I wrote this (admittedly self-indulgent) piece.
"When a man lies, he murders some part of the world."
Merlin, Excalibur
"I found them growing on a grave, which bore no tombstone, no other memorial of the dead man, save these ugly weeds. They grew out of his heart, some hideous secret that was buried with him."
Chillingworth, The Scarlet Letter

It's easy to condemn liars.  It's easy to stand before the world and shout your purity.  It's far harder to look within yourself, to root out falsehoods of your own devising.  Myths creep into our thinking so subtly we don't see them, sometimes after they're impossible to ignore.

Deceit is a mixture of growth and poison.  It starts as a tiny seed of self-preservation.
  • It won't happen again.
  • I'll make it up to her.
  • He'd do it to me.
  •  I want it to be true.
  • I'm desperate.

It may take years for these seeds to germinate, to sprout forth in horrid shoots.
  • I want to stop, but I just can't.
  •  She's getting the better end of the bargain.
  • He's worse than I am.
  • I'd rather risk a lifetime than an eternity.
  • It's not hurting me.

Then they bloom, they flow from the breast and split into choking leaves.  You protect them.  They're a part of you, nearly impossible to remove.

It's painful to dig them out.  Their roots tangle around your ribcage.  You have to tug at their stems rip them free from your flesh.  The holes left behind never completely fill with earth again.
  • I'm always going to be like this.
  • I do lots of nice things for her.
  • He deserves it.
  • We don't know everything.
  • They should have told me it was wrong.

Some can't; they end up with gruesome roots dangling from their hearts.  In their shame, they hide them, cover them, seed others.
  • You're no better.
  • Never trust women.
  • Don't be like him.
  • You're too young to question.
  • Only use this if you're desperate.

Our world is overrun by foliage.  Forests, brush and grass covers everyone.  The ponds are choked with green muck.  The air is full of browning leaves and yellow pollen.

It is a beautiful, poisonous land we live in.


Thursday, February 25, 2016

Meme Career 4

I was going to make a joke about the new Facebook emoticons, but I think The Oatmeal did that pretty well.  The only one I'd add is:

Didn't you even think to check this BS out before posting?
Anyway, I'm tossing off (er, out?) a few more memes for you all to make viral (please!).





Friday, February 19, 2016

Shake Your Euphemism


I went to see Blue Man Group this week, and one of the highlights of the show was a song called Shake Your Euphemism.


If you don't want to watch the video, it's mostly a list of slang terms for your butt.  As the song goes on, it switches from slang into the totally weird.  Here's the lyrics.

Anyway, it got me thinking about my comedy training, and (long story short) I made up my own list.  My methodology was, mainly, to pick an area of study or life and co-opt a term.  Feel free to add your own in the comments below.

*Ahem*

Your:

  • Large following
  • Wide load
  • Trailer hitches
  • Spanking targets
  • Stockpiled warheads
  • Arthur TwoSheds Jackson
  • Twin compost heaps
  • Natural geodesic domes
  • Pair of chutes
  • Super PACs
  • Occipital lobes
  • Back boobs
  • Kettle bells
  • Rear cup holder
  • Nature's pompons
  • Backward eyes
  • Wide receivers
  • Sitting asphyxiators
  • Back-end blockages
  • GOP think tanks
  • Absolute dating
  • Bering land bridges
  • Coal basin
Got a bit absurd and reduced to me going through realms of knowledge looking for terms that might apply ("Hm. I wonder if there's a funny term from high-energy particle physics..."), so I stopped.

Any of these make you laugh?


Sunday, February 14, 2016

Excuses, Excuses...

Preparing to leave California for Florida (theme parks ahoy!) I planned to do two blog posts ahead of time.  However:

  • The lesson I'm working on in my comedy book is less "write something funny" and more "transcribe something funny."  It didn't seem "postable."
  • The memes I created appear to still be on the hard disk of my computer at home and not on Dropbox.  I blame Dropbox's programmers.
  • After 18 hours at Magic Kingdom, I'm ready for a nap (dirt or otherwise).
And so, I leave you with the only funny thing I can think of at 12:37 in the morning (give or take three seconds).

We have a lot of people to schlep from place to place, so we got two giant vans.  Really one giant van and one enormous van.  While opening the rear doors of the latter, I noticed this lever.


Confused, I leaned forward to see what the logo was.


I stared at it for a long time before I realized what it meant.  If you pull this lever, a small child will be ejected onto the road.

Oh come on, that's funny, right? 

*SIGH*

I told you I was tired.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Comedy Lesson 2.5


Part two of the assignment is to use one of several tools in the book to generate ten sketch ideas.  I'm going to go with the one where you create three columns: people, places, and props (or, as comedians call it, the PPP or the "creative raspberry").  Then you randomly combine them into sketch ideas.

Here goes:

People
Places
Props
Giant
Space
Book
Refrigerator repairman/woman
A jungle
Cheap magic trick
Living spark of electricity
The desert
Chair
Shy tourist
On a plane
Broken radio
Zombie
Monster truck rally
Box of 18 plastic banana peels
Police officer
Crawlspace of a house
Sunblock
Soldier
Circus tent
A scratched LP
Demon
Trunk of a car
Curtain rod

Okay, ten sketches:
  1. A giant who has been hiding in the trunk of a car for many years with only a copy of an 18th century girls' etiquette book to entertain himself.
  2. A zombie who repairs cars at a monster truck rally who can't get a radio to work (every time he changes the channel it advertises food, sending him into a frenzy).
  3. A soldier guarding a desert outpost complaining he was sent without sunblock while people are dropping bombs on him ("Yeah, I've got enough ammo, but I'm starting to freckle!").
  4. A shy tourist who was sent to vacation in the crawlspace under someone's house (he was too shy to point out the error) so he sits in a tiny chair, his head tilted to one side so he can fit under the floor and tries to enjoy it.
  5. A space police officer dumbfounded by a criminal who uses a cheap magic trick to confuse him.
  6. A living spark of electricity running wild in the electronics of an airplane radio and complaining about the stations.
  7. A refrigerator repairman in the jungle whose tools have accidentally been replaced with a box of 18 plastic banana peels.
  8. A demon comes to the circus and complains about the terrible seats (chair).
  9. A zombie magician (circus tent) who keeps trying to impress people with his cheap plastic magic trick.
  10. A giant airline pilot (airplane) who can't see out the window (curtain rod).

Hm.  Didn't use jungle or scratched LP.  Kinda had to force the curtain rod in there.  I suppose those things aren't particularly funny on their own.

Frankly, none of these seem all that funny.  I don't think my problem is an absence of funny premises (although it's nice to be able to come up with them).  I don't want to write comedy sketches. I want to be able to add comedy to my existing writing projects.


Maybe that's next week's lesson.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Comedy Lessons Part 2


Here we are at week 2 of my comedy lessons.

If you're just joining us, just go back and look at last week's description.  Jeez, I have to explain what's going on?  Again?!  This is like the first chapter of every Harry Potter book:
Harry stopped in front of a mirror. He immediately noticed his green eyes, lightning-shaped scar, and crazy hair he got from his parents who were supposed to be killed in a car accident but were actually wizards (or a witch and wizard, as some liked to say at Hogwarts, the magic school - cf. Durmstrang and Beauxbatons) who were killed by Voldemort -- a terrifying dark wizard who wanted to rule the world for no well-explained reason.
"Harry, why are you staring at the mirror?" Hermione said.  Hermione was an unusually bright girl who is described as unattractive, but really was.  Harry felt no romantic feelings for her at all in spite of the fact that he was a teenage boy and had "romantic feelings" about everyone around him, including several of the house elves (for more on house elves, see paragraphs 10, 18, and 35 below).
He thought about how awful it was they called her a "mudblood." A mudblood was a witch born of non-magical parents and the Death Eaters -- wizards who ate at McDonald's -- wanted to kill them all because...
Well, you get the point.

Okay, so that's not the point.  The point is I'm trying to be funnier, so I'm taking lessons from a book.  Specifically, Teach Yourself Comedy Writing by Jenny Roche.

Today's lesson:

Exercise 1
Okay, 20 is a bit too long for a blog post, so I'll stick to 10.  Also, the only written sketches I've seen are... Well, they're not funny.  So, I'm going to post sketches I do like (and link clips so you can share in my incredibly good taste).

Monty Python
Cheese Shop Sketch  There's no cheese, but he'll try to guess what they have for hours.
Fish Slapping Dance  Grown men whacking each other with halibut.
Four Yorkshiremen  "Kids have it good these days" with one-upmanship ad absurdum.
Undertaker  Slowly moving from a somber moment to an absurd proposition.
Eulogy for Graham Chapman (not a sketch, but perfect)  Humorously roasting the dead (see sketch above).

Steve Martin
The Love God  Giving dating advice when you know nothing about it.
Holiday Wish  A man making a smarmy holiday bit admits what he really wants out of life.

Miscellaneous
Irish Language Lab  Two jokes: (a) Irish is basically English and (b) the teacher loses his mind.
Boot to the Head  A martial arts expert slowly loses his patience with an annoying student.
Welcome to Hell  The Devil greets new damned souls to Hell, and divides them into groups.
Michaelangelo's Last Supper  Michaelangelo has absurd ideas of what makes a good religious painting.

Exercise 2
You know what?  I'll save this for next week.  I'm all tuckered out from linking sketches.

Hm.  Odd phrase, "tuckered out."  Can you be tuckered in?  Tuckered over?  Just tuckered with no preposition?

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Comedy Lessons Part 1


I've been working on this blog for eight years (at least, that's what it says on the title graphic).  After all that time, I've come to one, stark realization:

I'm not funny.


My most popular blog posts are either about serious issues (marginalization of women, gun control, Candy Crush) or had sexy pictures in them (mostly me in Speedos).  The point of this blog was to help me improve my humor writing, but after eight years of trying I have to accept I need help.

Enter Teach Yourself Comedy Writing.  It's a book that's been sitting on my shelf for years.  Like Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and How to Create a New Identity, looking at it made me feel like I'd learned something without actually reading it.

I've decided to stop procrastinating and do the comedy lessons.  I'll share them with you here because you will find them humorous and illuminating.  Also because I can't think of anything else to post.

Here goes.

Lesson 1


Exercise 1:
I'm going to talk about things I own only.  I could make fun of a Salad Shooter, for example, but I don't have any experience with them.  Yeah, they sound silly, but how and in what way?
  1. Toilet AugerA long pole with a tube inside it you use to push clogs through your toilet. Essential when you have large children and small toilets.
  2. Range Hood
    Related to kitchen fires from poor chefs.
  3. Toolbox
    Mine is filled with more things than it can hold, most of which I've never used.  Anyone need a Torx screwdriver?
  4. Display Cabinet
    If you have kids, they're full of art supplies instead of... Well, what would you display, anyway?  Fine china? Crystal figurines?  Yeah, if you have kids those mysteriously disappear to be replaced with fragments of fine china and crystal figurines.
  5. Electric fake fireplace logs
    'Nuff said.
  6. George Foreman Grill
    They still sell those.  People still buy them.  Nobody uses them.
  7. Fitness equipment
    Adjustable dumbbells, stretchy bands, foam rollers, PVC tubes, boxing gloves and handwraps, Costco-sized boxes of Gatorade.  All covered by insurance.  All gathering dust.
  8. Flowers?
    There are funny flowers?  I heard of one called Phalaenopsis.  It looked like a penis.
  9. Foods?
    Hm.  We have almond and coconut flour.  They're masochistic replacements for normal flour.  Imagine eating chewy sand.
  10. Halloween candy
    You have to find a place to hide it from the kids so they don't eat it all at once.  You have to find a place to hide it from yourself, because eating your kids' candy is the definition of a bad parent.  Since nobody knows where the candy is, it gets lost for three years.  When you find it, it's hard as a rock and covered in green fuzz.  The kids won't eat it.  It's yours.
Exercise 2:  Famous people
I have two problems with making fun of public figures:  
  • don't keep up with popular culture.  Few things depress me more than People Magazine.  Who cares about the lives of actors or reality show participants?  More importantly, who cares so much they want candid shots of stars walking down the street in sweatpants and sunglasses?  I can understand looking at People at a doctor's office, but if you have a subscription, seek therapy.
  • I watched this impressive interview with John Cleese.  In it he was asked about the enduring popularity of Monty Python.  He pointed out Python didn't poke fun at contemporary figures, so it was still funny after decades.  He has a point; I'm sure jokes about Lilian Gish or President Taft were hysterical at the time, but who would get them now?
So, I'm going to skip Exercise 2.  I don't know enough about Kanye West or...  

Um...  

Vincent D'Onofrio?  Is he famous?  

See?  Not my thing.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Meme Career 3

Her: Hi, Matthew.
Me: Hi.
Her: How's the blog going?
Me: Not so good.  I can never find time to work on it.
Her: It's another meme week, isn't it?
Me: Sigh.









Friday, January 8, 2016

New Year's Jelly Bean Jar

Every year I post silly New Year's Resolutions.  I have real resolutions as well, but fake ones are more fun.  Nobody expects you to travel around the world in a hot air balloon or get elected president.
Seriously, don't keep that resolution.
I've decided to do resolutions differently this year.  I've decided to write them all down.
Write down my New Year's Resolutions!
Yay!  I'm done.

Okay, fine, I'm not done.  Here's my real list:
Fitness 
Finish things
  • Novel
  • Audiobook
  • Games
Stop arguing with idiots online
Yay!  I'm done.

Of course, I'm going to fail at them all because they're too vague.  Let's try that again:
Work out three times a week 
Work on the new novel every day until it's uploaded. 
Finish the audiobook for the old novel 
Finish games  
Finish Kingdom of Adventure 
Convert Flash games to HTML 5  
Learn Clickteam Fusion 
Create Bubbleoids 
Instead of arguing online, think of all the time you could spend being outside, spending time with your kids, cleaning the toilet, cutting off your ears with a dull knife or any of the more enjoyable activities there are in the world
It's better, but it's more likely that, come December, I'll shrug my shoulders, and give up.

I need accountability.  I need a penalty.  I need something like the Marital Jelly Bean Jar
The Marital Jelly Bean Jar is a way of ruining marriages fun game you play with your spouse.  When you're married, get an empty jar.  Put a jelly bean in the jar every time you have sex.  On your first anniversary, start taking a jelly bean out every time you have sex.  On your second anniversary you get a divorce you find out how much your sex life has diminished and can plot how long it will be until you get a divorce how your relationship matures from passion to sad regret companionship.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Resolutions Jelly Bean Jar.

Every time I fail to do a regular resolution, I write a minimum of two sentences about why I failed. 

Two complete sentences.  It's like High School for willpower.

Anyone else want to try this?  Anyone want to go back to High School?  Come on, High School was fun, right?  No?

What if I threw in cheerleaders?
"N-E-W-Y-E-A-R speeeells resolutions you're probably going to break!"
Good.  See you all in 2017.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Meme Career 2

Continuing on in my career of I can't think of anything to blog so I'll do memes Meme Creator:



I'd explain them, but if I explained them, that would mean they weren't funny.

And THEY ARE FUNNY.