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Friday, July 3, 2015

My Coke Rewards

We are all victims of the Cola Wars.  Maybe you're too young to remember, but my generation -- the greatest generation -- lost a lot of good people.

We still have nightmares.  Max Headroom.  The Pepsi Challenge.  New Coke.  Pepsi Stuff.

We thought we were in the clear.  Specifically Pepsi Clear.  Or, well, Crystal Pepsi.

See what I did there?  Never mind, the joke worked better in my head.  The point is, people actually gave a damn about which brown, carbonated, sugar drink was gnawing away at their teeth.  It was part of their identity.  You chose Coke if you were into nostalgia.  You chose Pepsi if you were into...

Actually, I'm not sure what makes people choose Pepsi.  They probably chose it because the Coke machine was a few feet farther away.  We were pretty fat during the Cola Wars.

The point is, there's no real difference between them.  If one company bought the other but kept selling both brands, nobody would know.

Maybe this has already happened.
Next stop, a soda fountain IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
I never gave a crap about which one I drank until I started wearing Nikes.

No, it makes sense.  Bear with me.
Not that kind of bear.  Not that other kind, either, pervert.
Different shoes have different numbers for each size.  In Nike shoes, I'm a size "ten."  In Reeboks and Adidas I'm a size "Fuck if I know."  It'd take too much time to figure out.  I'd have to call for a shoe guy, stand on a cold Brannock device, try on a dozen types of shoes while my wife shook her head disapprovingly, and so on.

Hey, I'm a veteran of the Cola Wars!  Just standing up is a victory.

Nike also has these cool shoes called Nike ID.  They're customizable.  You can pick different colors and add words to the sides or fronts.

There are restrictions, of course.  You can't write "FUCK FACE" on them.  Not that I'd try.  Unfortunately, you can't add "JOY STICK" either.

Nike hates gamers.  And joy.  And sticks.  And fuck faces.

I really love designing my own Nikes, but they're expensive.  Like "why the hell would you spend that much on a stupid shoe that's as dumb as caring if you drink Coke or Pepsi" expensive.

However, there are My Coke Rewards.

On ever can, bottle, and case of Coke is a unique ID code.  You enter those codes into their website and accumulated points to get rewards.  Towels, movie tickets...

Nike gift cards.

It took thousands of points to get a $50 Nike gift card.  I started buying Coke.  I started buying a lot of Coke.  I got my friends to buy Coke and give me the codes.  I snuck into my neighbor's recycling bin at night and stole their codes.

Hi.  My name is Matthew.  I'm a My Coke Rewards Addict.  Now give me my shoes!
I got enough points to buy new shoes.  They wore out.  I spent a year collecting points.  I got new shoes.  They wore out.  I realized how silly the cycle of consumerism was.  I stopped spending my time and money on useless consumer crap and left it all behind, spending my days in personal fulfillment and acts of kindness.  I spent another year collecting points.

Just as I got enough points for a Nike gift card, the cost went up.  Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.  Things change.  Just as I got enough points for a Nike gift card, the cost went up.

Again.

And then again.

And then the website changed.  Now not only do you collect points, but you also need "status."  You start with bronze status.  If you want the $50 Nike gift card, you had to have enough points and gold status.  That's right.  Coke is saying "Your money is no good here" after issuing the fucking money.

But, hey, maybe status isn't that hard.  I've been a loyal Coke user ever since I realized I was too lazy to measure my feet.  How do you get status?  You post Coke promotions on your Twitter account.

That's right.  You want to use your points?  You do free advertising for Coke.  I wrote and told them I didn't have a Twitter account.  They wrote and told me how to go fuck myself.

So, I have decided to get a new Twitter account, a Twitter account I use just to post Coke Rewards ads.  I call it:

@CokeTastesLikeRhinoButtSweat

Well, it was going to be that, but Twitter said it was too long, so I got:

@CokeIsRhinoButtSweat

Nope.  How about:

@CokeRhinoButtSweat

No?  Damn it!


Ta daa!

You can find out how Coke is the official drink of American Sportsmanship or Coke's dedication to quenching your thirst or all the fabulous things you can buy with My Coke Rewards points if you have gold status.

Now give me my fucking shoes.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Things You Learn When Your Child Is in the Hospital

The first time your child is in the hospital, you learn
Where the bathrooms are, where the cafeteria is, which outlets you can use, how to order what the dietitian allows, which is the closest elevator, how to get the IV stand into the bathroom, and that free parking is pointless since the parking lot is built for compacts and filled with SUVs.

Doctors really are as hot as they look on television, but the nurses aren't.  You can see the physical therapist's thong when she bends over.

Your house didn't burn down while you were away.

There are lots of camps, clubs, and activities to keep your other kid busy.

You have friends you never knew you had.

The second time your child is in the hospital, you learn
There are no good places to scream and cry, but you can hit the walls of the elevator pretty hard without making a dent.

It's easy to make doctors laugh.  The paramedics who ride helicopters look like action stars.  That the best person to put in a difficult IV is a little old Mexican woman named Rosalina (but everyone just calls her "mother").

Dishes can fill the sink, dirty clothes can pile up, and flowers can wilt.  None of it's important.

Your other kid will hit you, swear, and call you the worst names he can think of.  He's just as scared as you are.

Your friends are willing, even enthusiastic to help you.


The third time your child is in the hospital, you learn
If you hit the walls of the elevator hard enough, you can hear the bones in your hand creak, which is very satisfying, but typing will hurt for a few hours.

Doctors aren't bothered by people who stare at them angrily.  That sometimes you have to remind them of things they forgot.  That sometimes you have to make sure they don't give the wrong medications.

You never liked the cats.  All they do is shit on the floor, beg for food, and sleep.  Wouldn't it be great to be a cat, and never have to think again?

Your other kid will die someday, too.

That you can't close some wounds, you can't gather some shards, and some voids will never fill up again.

That telling someone you're sending prayers or good thoughts is an insipid, meaningless thing to do.

That any god who could help should have done it by now.

That if nothing in the whole world can help your child then what good is the whole world?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Useless Photos

I'm writing this week about all the pictures I was compelled to take because I thought they were funny enough to write a blog post about.

Then I found out they weren't.
This note some mother left in her kid's lunch via napkin.  I suppose the kid dropped it while running.

Blog a picture you can't explain.

A group of magic pendant collection for sale.  Jews stop earthquakes the way pirates stop global warming.
This is what happens when you use a copper bottomed pan too long.  You get AWESOME!

A water bottle we got from our school.  Turns out it's not dishwasher safe, but it's a great metaphor for what the district did to my school.

All markers are secretly made by Microsoft.

I love pierogies, but not that much.  Nobody loves them that much.  Nobody does.

You can't see, but all of these have the same ingredients.  I doubt the effectiveness of these products.

A space shuttle trainer just rolled by one day.  I missed the shuttle flyover, but this is a good second place.
What the hell is cream soda made from?  My life has no meaning until I found out!

My driver's license picture hasn't changed in years.  When the police pull me over, they'll wonder why an old man stole my driver's license.

The destruction of a great piece of urban art called Defenestration.

Any team except Warner Brothers.

GDC 2015: Why is Nike at the Game Developer's Conference? I worry about those shoes.

Can ANYONE eat with a hex key?

My book was taken off the shelf of the bookstore.  The sadest picture.  Well, other than dead kids.  Other than starving children.  Oh, fine, never mind.

I bought this collection of Jamestown Colony settlers.

The next day, the tube was empty.  HAHAHAHA!  Oh, wait, that was Roanoke Colony.  Never mind.

A conventionally grown sweet potato on top of organic ones.  Notice the difference?

This sign warns you not to use 30 year old cell phones.

The picture didn't come through, but it shows a gay popcorn machine.  I guess it comes out in rainbow colors.

I don't know why I took this picture, but DAMN Hillary Duff is hot.

If your kid gets sad when balloons deflate, just tie beach balls to wires.

I guess Tuesday is going to be the long-awaited start to my football career.  I intend to follow the lead of Refrigerator Perry.

French.  Translates to "Come in Greece." It has a picture of a penis on it.

Condoms for small men.

"Dump Cakes" has to be the least appetizing name for a dessert.  Well, other than cat poop cookies.

One sign of the apocalypse is the inability to do even simple tasks.

A crank in a hospital that does nothing.  Perhaps it's to occupy people with OCD.

A computer named after my son.

A store on Oahu that stocks diapers next to condoms.  Best advertising ever.  Bonus humor: lollipop condoms.

A carpet on Oahu with native designs.  The Hawaiians obviously invented DNA a hundred years ago.  Well, they got it a little wrong...

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Hospital Color Codes

We all know hospitals use Code Blue for emergencies.  Some know Code Red means fire.  A few know Code Brown means "get housekeeping, someone had an accident."  However, it turns out there are several more secret codes.  Here's a list from one Bay Area hospital.

As you can tell, this list is woefully inadequate.  For example, a Code Gold means elopement.  But what if you're just marrying the wrong person?  What's the color for "your parents don't approve of the union?"

(My nurse friends are telling me elopement means "trying to run away."  They're also telling me I don't have any nurse friends.)

In any case, I have come up with a more comprehensive list of codes hospitals should implement immediately.

Indigo - Birthday party!
Teal - No clean scrubs
Chartreuse - Terrible taste in clothes
Cheetah - Needs to be restrained
Lion - Lies about medical history
Monkey - Excessive body hair/terrible odor
Platinum - Wealthy patron
Palladium - Radioactive/The Hulk
Romulan - Geek
Black - Shot by police officer
White - Into NASCAR
Delta - Obese
TARDIS - Has two hearts
Bright - Reads I Can Write Funny regularly
Did I miss anything?

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Why Rape Jokes Aren't Funny

Some things just aren't funny.

You expected me to say that, didn't you?  Wrong.  I'm going to start with the TV show Firefly.

If you're not familiar with the show, it's sort of a western in space.  The main characters fly around in a space ship and buy and sell merchandise.  It's like a cinematic version of Elite.

If you don't know Elite either, you need to brush up on geek culture.

Anyway, in the last episode, a bounty hunter named Jubal Early breaks into the ship and tries to take one of the crew.  He threatens the ship's doctor with these words:
They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don't make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?
I asked about those words at a party.  I met a therapist and asked him if he was required to be in therapy.  He told me no. 

"Well, sometimes I meet with other therapists to make sure my approach and methods are sound.  For example, if one of my patients kills themselves."

I asked if that happened to him often.

"A few times.  You know, sometimes people make jokes about suicide.  I don't think they're funny.  They make me sick to my stomach."

That's the crux of it.  Jokes are often pointed at painful moments in the past, but not when people are suffering in the present.  I'm pretty sure Jews didn't make jokes about the pogroms when they were being attacked.  I'm pretty sure Native Americans didn't make jokes about being given small pox infected blankets while they were coughing up blood.  I'm pretty sure American GIs didn't make jokes about exhaustion during the Bataan Death March.

Jokes aren't funny until the horror is long over.  It took 20 years before Hogan's Heroes could be made.  Even then, many survivors (and families of survivors) hated the show.  When Mel Brooks filmed The Producers, he made fun of Nazis and World War II, but avoided the Holocaust; when he made History of the World Part I, he had no problem with Inquisition jokes (even showing Jews being tortured).

Time matters.

A rape crisis has been going on for thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of years.  We've only recently started talking about it, analyzing it, trying to stop it.  In 2010 alone, there were 1.3 million rapes in the US.  That's just a guess; under-reporting makes it difficult to get an accurate count.  Victims often hide their abuse.  They've been taught to feel shame, to feel guilty, to feel it's their fault.

It's hard to find rape jokes funny if you're one of the millions of victims.  It's hard to them funny if your child has been raped, you wife has been raped, your brother has been raped, your friend has been raped.

Chances are you know a victim.  Chances are they didn't tell you.  Chances are they'll suffer from the aftereffects forever.

No matter how carefully crafted your joke is, no matter how much it makes you and your friends laugh, there's always someone who thinks it's horrible.

And they're right.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

2015 Birthday - Part 9: Pasta

Aaaand we're at the end of my birthday.  I was going to write about not getting around to biking without using my hands, getting a belaying certificate, and doing cartwheels.  Then I realized I was boring everyone.  Time to accept my slide into senility.

Still trying to arrange my mid-life crisis, though.
Here's the deal. A decade ago, I bought a pasta machine.  Make-your-own pasta was the cool/trendy/hip thing to do. Being the cool/trendy/hip guy that I am, I bought a pasta machine.  Then I bought semolina flour.  Then I made pasta dough and fed it into the machine.

It wouldn't go in.

Muhahaha!
Frustrated, I cleaned the machine and put it away.  A few weeks later, I tried again and got the same result.

Frustrated, I cleaned the machine and put it away.  A few weeks later, I gave it to our real estate agent. (Hi Danuta!)

I've always been disturbed (insert humorous pause) I couldn't follow a simple pasta recipe.  Sometimes I wish I still had the machine to try again.  When Passover came this year, I tried making my own matzo; the recipe called for using a pasta machine to make it thin it out.


Fun fact: matzo is named after me.  It's short for the popular expression "Matt is zo kewl!"

Instead, I rolled them out by hand.  Then I baked them.  Then I gave them to my general contractor who uses them as roofing tiles.

"Shoot," I thought.  "If I'd only been able to make pasta, I could make matzo for my kids to grind into the carpet."

This birthday I was going to make some pasta at last.  All I had to do was find someone to teach me.  Turns out nobody I know can make pasta, so I looked for a class, one I could bring my pasta-averse friends to.

Turns out finding group cooking classes isn't easy.  I found Kitchit, which sends chefs to your house.  Sadly, I live in Silicon Valley; our kitchen can barely hold one anorexic model, let alone all my guests.
My current house.
I tried Sur La Table, which had group classes for a thousand dollars.  After I finished laughing, I tried Cucina Bambini.  Cucina Bambini is a kid's cooking school, but they were willing to take grown ups, and provide a large room, and clean up afterwards.

Slam dunk.  I invited a few friends based on the following criteria:
  • They had children close to my kids' ages
    I wanted the class to be fun for my kids.
  • They had to pronounce it "pahsta" not "pรคsta."
    Don't get me started on that one.

We got a big table.  We got paper chef hats to decorate.  We got cups of flour.  We got eggs. 

We got rhythm.  We got music.
I waited for something to go wrong.

Make hole in flour with Egg. Check.
Crack egg into hole.  Check.
Mix. Check.
Add water.  Check.
Roll into ball.  Check.
Bring to pasta machine.  Check.
Hold your breath.  Check.
Aaaaand.

It went in.  Holy shit, it worked.
My shoes weren't thrilled, though.
Meanwhile, guests made caesar salad dressing, croutons, alfredo sauce, and tomato sauce.  Odd thing about the tomato sauce: the first ingredient was tomato sauce.  Makes me wonder why we didn't just stop there.

Two hours later, we ate.  The food was remarkably good.  The kids decorated cupcakes.  The grownups got drunk and ate cake.  The kids were well behaved.  Everyone had a great time.  Go figure.

For my next trick, world peace.
Now comes the hard part: convincing my wife to buy a new pasta machine.  Maybe I can get the old one back from my real estate agent. (Hi Danuta!)

Friday, May 22, 2015

2015 Birthday - Part 8: Purple

I was going to combine my posts about the hair color and pasta class, but then I realized something.
I'm 45.  That's half of 90.  I'm a tenth of 450!  I'm the square root of 2025!

INSERT OBVIOUS ARTHUR C. CLARKE JOKE
I'm older than dirt (judging from the contents of my composting bin).  It's funny, when the year begins, I consider myself whatever age I'm going to turn that year.  This year, I considered myself 44 until... Well, I still consider myself 44.

So, I'm stretching these posts out another two weeks.  You're not a year older until you've finished blogging about your birthday.  This week is hair.  Next week is pasta.  The week after that is about what I didn't accomplish.  I'll keep going on this theme for the rest of my life.
Matthew Kagle: Born 90 years ago.  Dead at 45.
So, let's talk about my head.

Every year I dye my hair a weird color.  I started with blue but was put off by all the attention I got.  The next year I didn't color my hair, and was put off by all the attention I didn't get.  Next year I did yellow, which just involved a gallon of bleach and an hour of screaming.  Then came green, which became a disappointing, light teal color.  Then orange, which became a disappointing natural color.

Actual quote: "My grandmother asked who the guy with the lovely auburn hair was."

This year is purple.
As always, my hairdresser is more photogenic than me.

Nice color, but it's leaking out.  I had to buy purple pillowcases.  My fingers are purple from where I scratched my head.
Does some awesome things in the morning, though.
I'm going through the rainbow, so I have four more colors left.  You'll have to guess which.

I've been thinking about why I color my hair, why I was disappointed the year I didn't color.  Last night it hit me (along with my son, need to work on his anger).  When my hair is a funny color, people look at me.

It's like being famous.

People smile.  Kids whisper to their parents.  I get approached by people who ask questions about it.  Every now and then, my agent drags me to rehab.

It's a good feeling.  I can see why so many people are addicted to fame.  When I finally run out of colors, I'll crash and burn.  Drinking.  Arrests.  Ex-wives on talk shows talking about my sexual proclivities.  Reality shows.  On Ellen to talk about my fall from fame.  Endorsing cheap haircare products.


Man, I can not wait!

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

2015 Birthday - Part 7: GDC Notes

I've had to table a few birthday achievements until later (getting a belaying certificate at Planet Granite, juggling, cartwheels, biking without hands, bringing about world peace).  Unfortunately, that leaves me with a week before my birthday with nothing to achieve.
Achievement Unlocked: Nothing to do!
So, it's time to do something I've put off for years and years and years.

I've been carrying in my backpack a worn, brown envelope filled with old notes from Game Developers Conference talks.  The GDC is the most important conference in the games industry.  I've been for so long, I forgot when I started going, so I called CMP (the parent company).  The call went like this:
Me: How long have I been going to GDC?
CMP: Since 1997.  You only missed 2006.
Me: Wow, I'm old.
CMP: And you never accomplished anything in life.
Me: [Sobbing]
At the earliest GDCs I attended, technology wasn't very advanced.  The World Wide Web was new, few people had cell phones (let alone smart phones), and things were rougher.

Lunch at my first GDC.
They used to give you little slips of paper to evaluate the sessions (now they just send you email).  I'd always write my notes on the back and take them home and transcribe them.  That way, I'd always know what talk they were from and I'd limit the notes I'd take.

A few times, however, I wrote my notes on notepads.  Then I'd forget to label them.  Then I'd forget to transcribe them.  Then I'd stick them in my worn folder and forget all about them.

I've been carrying these notes for years and years and years.  Well, to hell with that.  It's time to birthday these suckers.

That's my new expression: "It's time to birthday these suckers!"  Feel free to use it wherever appropriate.

I just sat down in Starbucks this morning and transcribed them all.  Here are the bulk of them; the notepad ones from (I think) 2002.  Sorry I didn't format them or correct errors, but I'm so done with them.



Ernest Adams - Why we shouldn't make games
Problem: Real world gameplay without real world ethics
(people get upset over them)
Games with vagueness are the more memorable ones
(asteroids, tempest, battlezone)
Only show things we have to
Don't add so many pieces of minutia
Shouldn't always fear death
            Gameplay tension is nearness to a goal or failure

America McGee Alice Postmortem
Keeping it simple was a primary goal
Difficult != fun
Consider a toy line/franchise properties
Character studies
Engineering does not rule the world
Get design much more complete (80%) before going to development and then let them run with it
Music as 50% of the experience
            (but managers control the musician and they back out)
            Always establish business end first
A good trailer is a good beginning to a project
            Sold the movie (cost 100k but was worth it)
            Got people back to the concept and motivated
Publisher should have little or no work to do
50% women players-
            Don't make women characters too blow-up doll

Warren Spector - Producing (preproduction)
Try not to overdocument
Start with a small team
"Behind the scenes at Sega" - a book that's out of print
Different for different types of games
Generate art, design, and tools, schedules, documents, prototypes, team building
Can begin with almost anything (concept-wise)
Manifesto: What ist he game about in one sentence, why different, what is the core experience
First document (1-2 pages): high concept, why should we make it, overview, tech overview, competitive titles, audience, projected budget, risks, next step
Company manifesto is important
Pre-production includes: director, producers, leads of disciplines,(5-7) peoples
"Individuals don't make games, teams do"
Director - keeper of vision
Producer - process, budget
L. Designer, L. Art, L. Programmer - Manages design/art/code on day to day basis
End Products: Design doc, tools and tech, look and feel, geared-up team, prototype, road map for team, tech design doc
Need a spec to deviate from
            Everyone contributes to a piece, one person who as al. control
Producer has veto power (money guy makes last call)
Plan cuts ahead of time (prioritize features)
Preproduction becomes obsolete but come back to doc some day

Game Hooks - Dave Perry
Go to dperry.com
Dp (at) dperry.com
Controversy sells
What emotions are you trying to evoke
            When you are ready to reward, don't pause
Must have unique selling points
            These aren't hooks, though
I figured out a paradigm for the game that works for me.
Name and logo
Gamerankings.com
ST:BC  H=11 M=11 L=11

Beyond Psychological Theory
Testing with typical gamers
Not focus testing: fix bugs not marketing
See the CD-ROM
Can solve disagreements
Gamers evaluate, designers desgin and revise
Get competitor data first
Then get own data
IN TIME FOR YOU TO USE IT
People who betatest are too high up in ability
Don't want evaluation of a game, you want to find problems to fix (unless you want ideas)
Data on competitor's game helps you early on
Can affect schedule
Never have same people play game twice
May water down the vision

Outdoor Level Design - Jolyton Leonard
Creating It:
First figure out the scale (they used a flight simulator engine)
Big is better than walls
Can use physical boundaries (fences, walls, locked gates, cliffs)
Abstract boundaries (deterrents/boundaries, boredom, rewards)
Story and AI should interact deeply
Map and binoculars useful outside
Can still use triggers
Keep plans as simple as possible

Collectable Card Games - Richard Garfield
Unequal sides in games are okay and can be focus
Vanity objects - look different but act same
Adding cost to an object makes it tradeable or can just use time
Need to limit parameters to allow fairness
Don't want strictly better objects, must always be trade-offs
If you have a dominating object, everybody has it so it's just background
Want peopl eto mix up what they have, not homogeneity
Some are okay (if they are bad and people don't want them)
Size of collection is important:
Too small - limits the scope of the game
Too large - Intimidating, harder to master
Vanity objects can increase size for some, but not others
Rarity increases value
Should have item expiration dates
Limited uses, progressively more power
Question I asked : Why hide contents of packs? He said because that lets the value be set by the buyers, otherwise everything has a set price

Keynote
Empathy vs. Agency
[There was a graphic here, but Google won't let me paste it and MAN I am so done with this]

Experimental Gameplay Workshop - Jon Blow
Arcadia - four games at once




indiegamejam.com
Definition 6 (www.d6.com)
Valve's Steam

Startup Horror Stories
Savage Entertainment Guys (www.savagesite.com)
Lures are better than rewards (not much creative control)
Publishers give seeds of development to see if you can meet milestones
Be wary of big promises, only promise what you can deliver
Always be skeptical of time frame
Trust is a big factor w/startups
Know your partners
Be realistic about weaknesses and red flags
Be prepared w/ exit plans for your partner (like a prenuptual)
Marketing buy in is important
Work with publisher
Always line up the next project before this one ends
Lucrative projects can lead to mismatched expectations
There are still project risks
Publishers can be evil
            Will disregard contracts
            Will take over your company
Set expectations correctly
Middleware can be a good starting point and solves problems
Offer equity stake in company?
Ask for prototype funding (need good design work and visuals and enthusiasm)
Can offer to port a game
Keep $ burn rate low to get another chance

Sequels
Sequels are now the best-selling games
            (in spite of the calls for originality)
Step back and decide if original had the right features - figure out why you added everything
Get to the core of the game
Grand Theft Auto 3
Prepare your engine for re-use
Can't throw out everything
I think these notes at the bottom of the page are for Arrival: Village Kasike
Miners - Resource for manufacturing
Farmers - Resource for populace
People production - Managers and creates workforce
Manufacturing - Builds equipment and ships
Colony management - Manages store, offense, defense, deals with disputes

Randy Smith - Stealth in Thief
Rsmith(at)ionstorm.com - Lead designer
Discrete Interaction - Finite number of choices (conversation trees)
Analog - Freeform player movement
Want both types
Discrete- Must do one of the other of the choices
Aanalog- not picking from the menu
Don't want to use triggers only if you go to specific area.
            That's just like choosing from a menu.
            Can do many paths, but must avoid having only one path (secretly)
IF you can't do things programmer didn't predict -> Discrete
If you can do infinite things -> analog
Analog - interacting game systems
Avoid absolutes, embrace gradients
Simulation, expressions

Why they won't let you make good online games
Costs $15 mil to make a game
Want same formulas just more
People feel MUDs are like real life
Believe it only gets better w/technology
Managed conflict creates bonds between people
None of the problems w/games are because of bandwidth
Must have exhaustive research and then make it better
Best lessons:
people want to belong (make belonging faster)
Separate work from advancement (allow guilds to help people advance)
Rites of passage (more than one)
Membership of a group
Narrative generated through playing the game
Don't direct the game design
Make them group w/out forcing them
Adventure isn't something most people enjoy, try to find a more mainstream fantasy


Sunday, May 10, 2015

Birthday 2015 - Part 6: Juggling FAIL

This year's birthday was about accomplishing things I never was able to accomplish or didn't have time for.  Well, it seems some things are beyond me.

I can't juggle.  I just have to accept that, along with the fact that nobody will let me star in a movie adaptation of my novel Matthew Has Sex With Several Beautiful Women.

I've tried to juggle for over a decade.  I read an article back then that stated juggling helped stave off dementia.  I'm deathly afraid of dementia, of having my mind slowly crumble away without realizing it.

Sometimes I wonder if it's already happening.
Now that I think about it, where did I put my car keys? Hm.
I got that Juggling for the Complete Klutz book.  It should have been called Juggling With Incomplete Instructions.  I lost the balls, found them months later, tried again, lost them again.  I never managed to juggle more than two at a time.  I gave up; it seemed dementia was inevitable.
Now that I think about it, where did I park my car? Hm.
Last year, I went on a Disney cruise to Alaska.  If you've never been on a cruise, it's like being in a prison where they try to keep you entertained so you don't riot.

And stuffed so full you can't stand up to complain.
One of the entertainers was a juggler named Michael Holly (he's good, you should check out his YouTube channel).  While searching for a lost child, I ran across him sitting on the deck watching the icebergs go by.  We talked, and I mentioned I'd never been able to juggle.  He directed me to his Learn to Juggle videos.

Here's part 1 of 3 if you're curious:

I pulled out my old Klutz juggling balls.  Over the last few months I've watched Holly's videos and tried the lessons almost every day.  Last week, I lost one of the juggling balls (a good rule for life: never let kids play with your balls) and realized something: best I could do was two.  Even after all the practice I put in, even switching techniques, I hadn't improved at all.

Perhaps I already have dementia.
Now that I think about it, where did I put the toilet?  Hm.