"Ain't No Homos" Song - FULL LYRICS

I'm sure, like me, you were completely charmed by the above clip on YouTube.  It's heartening to see youngsters reading the Bible in all its original glory.  Most of the Biblical material kids get these days has been "Bowdlerized" to make it more palatable to a liberal audience.

Lord of the Rings is Stupid

Let's all face facts, here.  The Lord of the Rings books are poorly written.  The first book is 90% descriptions of terrain.  The second book is random and chaotic.  I couldn't even get through the third book, I was so bored by the time I got to it.  However, there is one idiocy that makes all of the others pale in comparison.

Ten Reasons Comic Book Scientists Are Better

Scientistsare boring.  They spend years of their lives trying to unlock the secrets of tiny subatomic particles that don't really do anything interesting.  Their findings are disputed by idiots with little or no scientific background.  Honestly, I don’t know why scientists bother discovering and inventing things. 

When my son talks about becoming a scientist when he grows up, I laugh at him and point.  After he's done crying, I tell him that he should aspire to be a comic book scientist.  Comic book scientists are way awesomer.

Here's why:

Number 1: Screw Peer Review
In the real world, scientsts pick apart each other's work.  It's incredibly rare for one person to come up with a reliable theory or groundbreaking invention.
In comic books, one genius scientist is better than thousands of regular ones.  Tony Stark invented Iron Man in a cave with nothing but spare parts and a car battery hooked to his chest. Peter Parker invented a groundbreaking sticky goop and a machine that can shoot it out to make ropes or nets.

Number 2: Better Test Subjects
Real scientists find test subjects very carefully by sending out flyers on college campuses.
In comic books, if you want to try a super soldier serum?  Just give it to Bruce Banner!  He'll do it!  He'll do anything!

Number 3: World Domination
Scientists in the real world form groups to make sure their work is used for good.
Comic book scientists know about power (and work, and acceleration).  They also know that they're the only ones who can be trusted with power because they're the only ones who can truly appreciate it.  Also, they're too geeky to run for public office and win.

Number 4: Playing God
Real scientists have, with careful tinkering and knowledge, managed to make tomatoes last longer without getting squishy.
Comic book scientists have changed the course of human evolution so that people can fly, shoot lasers out of their eyes, and all women have D-cups.

Number 5: Cooler Names
Some examples of real scientist names: Norman Borlaug, Jane Goodall, and James Hansen.
Some examples of comic book scientist names: Otto Octavius, Victor Von Doom, and Jonathan Crane.

Number 6: Results
After years of work studying an obscure alloy, a modern scientist might find he or she has discovered a slight improvement in tensile strength or flexibility over more commonly used compounds.
After years of work studying an obscure alloy, a comic book scientist will become an unstoppable monster and wreak vengeance on those who picked on him in high school.

Number 7: Consequences
When Einstein saw the results of the Manhattan Project, he and his fellow scientists were horrified that they had helped kill so many people.
In comic books, they created fucking Godzilla.

Number 8: Radiation
In real life, scientists have found radiation can give you sunburn and cancer, and quickly heats meals.
In comic books, scientists have gone into space and found radiation turned them into rock people, invisible people, stretchy people, and fire people at the exact same time.

Number 9: Technobabble
In real life, scientists have a hard time explaining their work to others.  You sometimes need an andvanced degree to understand what they're saying.
In comic books, scientists spout the most absurd gobbledygook, and everyone kinda understands what they mean.

Number 10: Smash That Thing!
In the real world, scientists leave notes and, even if they don't, others can figure out what they were working on and can re-create it.
In comic books, you can break an invention and its evil will be gone forever.

Fun with Freecycle: Display Cases

Let's see, what do you need to know about these display cases?

How to Spend Your Memorial Day

42 Birthday 5/5

On Sunday, we went to a giant fair (excuse me, Fairetm) held in my honor by the publishers of Make Magazine.  It was really sweet of them to do it, and nice of the crowds of inventors, artisans, special interest groups, and local schools for setting up booths.  I'd like to also thank all the attendees (I saw Tim Schaefer from a distance, walking into the bathroom!) who showed up to...

42 Birthday Part 4/5

The night before my birthday party, I got a call from the pub where we chose to have the party.  It seems there was a World Cup match, they were going to be busy, and wanted to give us a chance to back out.  I assured him we were coming, and he assured me the match would be over by 2pm, when the party was scheduled to start.

42 Birthday Part 3/5

Sporting my newly-blonde hair, I headed off to the FrenchLaundry with my wife.  If you aren’t familiar with The French Laundry, it’s in Yountville, California and considered one of the best restaurants in the country.

42 Birthday Part 2/5

42 Birthday Part 1/5

A couple years ago, my wife pointed out that I get depressed around my birthday.  I hadn’t noticed it myself, but I had to admit she was right because, every year, she’d notice me wallowing in a pool of my own tears.

“Oh, your birthday's coming soon, isn’t it?”

It’s not that I was depressed about getting older.  Really, who gives a crap except for the vain?  It’s more the fact that I haven’t really accomplished anything yet that bothers me.  I’m not sure why I care, but it seems I do. 

Your Argument Is Invalid

I've got a lot of crazy stuff going on with my birthday, so I don't have time to post much today.  I'll try and get all the details to you next week.  Still, I couldn't leave you with no daily blog post (how could you stand your tired, useless lives without my blog?), so I am posting this image:

Me, in a suit, in a mirror, in the bathroom of an extremely fancy restaurant, with bleached blonde hair... doing the duck face.

You're welcome.

If You Can't Make My Party...

... on Saturday, we were going to perform a piece from the original Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio show.  I plan on recording it and posting the video here, but things tend to go awry, so I've posted the piece below.

I should point out that I am not Douglas Adams (I'm still alive), nor a member of his family, so I don't own the work posted.  However, I did see him once at an E3 conference and, if I had bothered to stand in line for his autograph, I'm sure he would have given me permission.

Honest.

Happy Birthday

Fun With Freecycle: Amazing Table

this is the greatest table ever created.  I love it so much, I kept it for nearly half my life.  It is a fabulous table from IKEA, which I think is Norwegian for "Makes the most amazing tables you’ve ever seen."

The table is 74” when extended (1/3 for each leaf) and 30” wide.

And it's romantic!

Bow chicka bow wow...

It's pet friendly!

It's in good taste!

It's entertaining!

It's conscientious!

Pretty amazing, isn’t it? To quoth the Bard, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”  If you lift up one side and slide out the legs…

WOW!

That's right, it gets larger!  And that’s not all.  It works on the other side, too!

OMFG!

Act now to get this table.  Your children will love it!

Traditional Marriage

Weaning Party Cheese

Yesterday, I was at a “weaning party” at the house of a friend.  Let’s call her Joyce, because that’s her name.  (Hi Joyce!) Joyce is the ultimate mommy who knits her own baby clothes, makes her own baby food, homeschools, makes her own homeopathic medicine, and follows every recommendation from the mommy books and websites.  The websites suggested the weaning party.

An Officer and a Gentleman

Near the end of the film "An Officer and a Gentleman" the cadets chant as they run:

I don't know but it's been said,
Air Force wings are made of lead.
I don't know but I've been told,
Navy wings are made of gold.

That scene was exactly what I expected out of military training: a lot of running and singing followed by getting the crap kicked out of me by Louis Gossett Jr.  I planned on joining the military as a pilot, and wanted to expand the chant to include more branches of the armed forces.  Here's my additions:

Someone told me in the gymnasium,
Army wings are made of germanium.

My mom said while serving me cheese,
Coast Guard wings are made of manganese.

Someone sang this in a song,
Marine wings are made of krypton.

I'm out of forces; ain't that a sin?
NASA wings are made of tin.

Yeah, it's probably best that I didn't join the military.  I would have had the crap kicked out of me by more than just Mr. Gossett Jr.

Serinda Swan Naked

Last year, I posted this picture of a woman in a bikini on my post about... Well, women in bikinis.  It turns out to have been one of my most popular posts.  People have been visiting my site looking for humorous, yet incisive views on human sexuality and how...
No, I can't pull that off.  People have been visiting my website looking for pictures of her naked.  The woman in the bikini is named Serinda Swan and she's famous for...

Dutch Gutters

The first place that I owned was a condo on 100 West El Camino Real in Mountain View called Two Worlds.  The Two Worlds complex had won awards for its innovative design.  However, one of the innovations included "dutch gutters."  Unlike standard gutters, dutch gutters are built inside the building, so you don't see them.  In other words, when they leak, you can't tell where the problem is because the gutters are inside your walls.

Normal gutters.  It turns out there are no pictures of Dutch Gutters because you can't see them.

When we had a leak, we called a gutter company recommended by our property management company and asked them to come out to fix the problem.  I waited around for the repair guy for hours, but he didn't come.  I called, they apologized, and we rescheduled.  The next day I waited around for hours, but nobody came.  When I called, they said the repair guy said I should wait until the work he had done yesterday had dried.  I said some very unkind things, and they agreed to send him out again the next day.

Pearls Before Swine

I was at the park this weekend and stopped to look at this statue.  It's a good statue, and it has a lot of meaning. 

Spock vs. Data

It’s time for me to re-establish my geek cred.  I’ve done it before, but you have to re-establish every few years.  If you don’t, people start think you’re not a geek any more, that you’re a jock or some other loser.

Today, I confront the eternal question: Who would win at chess, Spock or Data?

Conspiracy Theory

After yesterday's failed attempt to use Google Maps, most journalists would have given up using the tool.  Not me.  I'm no ordinary journalist.  I'm a blogger. 

• Bloggers have no fear.
• Bloggers never give up, even in the face of overwhelming facts.
• Bloggers laugh at the idea of "journalistic integrity."

I started to work this morning on Google Maps.  This time, I came across something terrifying in my city: three secret societies working to overthrow all that is good and decent in this country.

The Mervyn's House

I was driving through Atherton, California yesterday, as I am wont to do, and drove past the most unusual house.  There aren't many extraordinary homes in Atherton, most are pretty shabby affairs, but this one caught my eye.  Since I was driving, I didn't have a chance to get a picture, so I went back on to Google Maps to get a shot.

Okay, so here's the front gate.  The mail truck is blocking what I want you to see, so I'll have to move over a bit.

Two Things

A while ago, a friend of mine (Hi Elly!) described my blog as me writing about “things that annoy him.”  I argued with that definition.  My blog is not about things that annoy me; it’s about me being funny!  It’s about being funny by making fun of other people… who… annoy me…

Okay, fine.

Here’s two things that have been pissing me off today.

When I Feel Uncomfortable

This morning, I was sitting in my dentist's office and having my cleaning when the hygienist said "Let me know when you feel uncomfortable."  Of course, even if she was pulling my teeth out with white-hot pincers, I would never admit discomfort.  I'm just that macho.

Fun With Freecycle: Cold Hot Wood

I’m giving away this box of Hot Wood because it is insufferably cold.  You can light it, stuff paper around it, douse it with kerosene, stick it in a rocket ship and shoot it into the sun.  It won’t burn.

The wood hasn’t been in the rain.  It wasn’t submerged in liquid.  It was not harvested from a magic, underwater forest.

Although, that would explain a lot.

It just. Won’t. Freaking. Burn.

Chevys Is Nuts

"Would you like some arsenic in your drink?"

Welcome to my new, weekly column entitled "Chevys Is Nuts."  Originally, I planned on calling it "Chevys Is Fucking, Bitchcakes Crazy!!!"  Then I realized that this was a family-friendly blog, containing no foul language, insults to religion, or half-naked women.

Oh, no, wait, that's Kirk Cameron's Blog.

Thank God for Doctors

Procrastination Rules

Behold my to do list.

This is one of my to do lists.  This is one of my many to do lists.  However, it's the one nearest my front door, so I look at it the most often.  Now that I'm done with my novel, I devoted myself to getting one thing off my list every day.

The problem is, after a few days, all that's left are the hard ones!  Time for me to suck it up and finish one.  But which?

27%

This is a naked picture of myself.  (I was going to take it without the sign, but my camera automatically focuses on the closest object, so the picture was really fuzzy.)

Pinhole Completion

After almost a year and a half of work, I have finished work on Pinhole.  I wanted to thank all you who read my blog.  I wouldn’t have been able to write it without you.

When I started writing Pinhole, I did it as part of National Novel Writing Month.  Over the next month and a half, I posted my first draft here as I wrote it.  Knowing you were out there reading as I wrote made me get up and post a thousand words every day.  As I said, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you (heck, you even picked which novel I wrote).

When I was finished, my father pointed out that my book was far too short.  Novels are about 100 thousand words long.  Mine was only 60 thousand.  I wrote again and, three months later, Pinhole had ballooned to the right length.

Then I read it to my wife who, as always, was very supportive.  Well, she fell asleep a few times, but that’s a good sign with her.

I just left myself open for ribald jokes, didn’t I?

Charlie Haas, a friend and author, told me he would introduce me to a publisher friend, but only after my book was finished, polished, and my best work.  That got me thinking: was it my best work?  How do I know it’s my best work?  There are remedial English classes filled to the brim with people who think their novels are masterpieces.

I decided to hire an editor.  After I picked Jennifer Brozek, I sent my novel with the question: Is it good enough to publish?  Ms. Brozek was very positive, and told me to change two chapters (She hated one of the sad endings.  Who hates depressing endings?!) and assigned me to read The 10% Solution.

I bristled at the book when I first read it, but it changed the way I wrote significantly and gave me the tools I needed to improve.

This morning, at 10:45, I finished my final pass through the novel.  I added the secret code (I want all my books to have secrets hidden in them), and took out the last few times I used the word “red.”  It seems, whenever I need to say what color something is, I say it’s red.

The next question is what I do now.  Answer: everything.

I’ve put off a lot of projects to do this novel.  I’m working on three (maybe four) games.  I have a to-do list that’s two pages long (single spaced, 10 pt font).  I have this blog.  I have children.

Or I did.  Come to think of it, I haven’t seen them for a year or so.

And, in November, National Novel Writing Month rolls around again.  That doesn’t give me much time to get everything done, now does it?

Dungeons and Ikea

TRANSCRIPT START

Dungeon Master (early 40s, jarringly handsome): Welcome back, adventurers!

8th Level Thief (chaotic good, crusty but knowledgeable): Welcome back?  This is the first time we’ve played.

5th Level Paladin (lawful good: trusty but dim): No, remember, we used to play twenty years ago.

Thief: Wait, is this the same campaign?  Woah, is this the same character I used to play?  It has the same ring on it from where I put my beer down.  Holy crap, this is the exact same character sheet!  You kept all this crap?

DM: I have a lot of shelf space.

Paladin: Had.  Aren’t you remodeling?

DM: Well, yeah.  My wife told me I had to get rid of all the stuff I wasn’t using and-

Thief: So that’s why you asked us over to play D&D?

42 Evite

Invitations to my birthday party are out.  Yes, you are invited, just RSVP.  Now that I have a theme, a place, and a time, I just need:

• Someone to play The Bartender.
• Someone to play Arthur Dent.
• Someone who can record it (camera/tripod).
• Someone who can finish my six pints of bitter for me.

Volunteers?

Harry Potter Guy

My kids are listening to a book on tape-uh-DVD-uh-CD of The Hobbit.

By the way, does anyone else ever call it that?  Every time I try to talk about a book recording I call it a book on tape-uh-DVD-uh-CD.  When we get to the point where streaming is the dominant medium, I’ll try to call it a book on tape-uh-DVD-uh-CD-uh-downloooooaaaaaahhhh!

This must be what it's like for people born before the 70s to try to understand Android phones.

Let the Sunshine In

I was not an attractive youth.  I was thin and gangly with a bad haircut and coke-bottle glasses.  Then, one day, I hit puberty. BAM!  Instant sexpot.  What happened?  Back hair happened.