Saturday, October 29, 2016

[Put Funny Title Here]

As always, I'm busy this time of year.  I've got Halloween on my doorstep, Thanksgiving around the corner, and Christmas sneaking up behind me with a stiletto.

So, instead of my usual, insightful but hysterical posts, I'm going to drop a bunch of pictures from my phone and tell you why I thought they were funny enough to capture for posterity.

First of all, the two best packaged condiment of all time:
They make a lot of sauces in dynamite containers.  Wonder what kind of packaging they have for their explosives.

I noticed this sign in a Subway bathroom.  It's one of those signs that comforts patrons who are worried about the cleanliness of their food.
Notice the location.

Guys, it's a Subway. You can get cleaner food if you eat off the ground.

If you look closer at the sign...
See the bumpy things?
It's in braille.  So, imagine how the blind locate this sign.  They go into the bathroom.  Reach above the paper towel dispenser, and then feel around the grimy wall until they find the sign.  Even then, your hands are probably cleaner than Subway food.

Saw this at Ikea:
Made me want to buy a bunch of cheap clocks.

 I found this in the basement of a retirement home.  Why was I in the basement of a retirement home?  Funny you should ask.  Funny, funny, funny.
And we've reached peak old person.
I'd make a joke about how the elderly still use payphones and telephone books, but look at how many books there are.  There's a dozen, perfectly arranged.  Nobody's touched them.

Takeaway: Even the elderly don't use phone books anymore.

Seen on a sidewalk in my neighborhood.
You could, you know, talk to the guy.
I wonder if it worked.

Friday, October 21, 2016

The World's Most Pathetic Arcade Machine

If you've ever gone to an amusement park or an arcade or almost anywhere kids hang out, you've seen arcade merchandizers.

The most basic kind is the "claw machine" that became famous in Toy Story.
Makes more sense than Calvinism.
The basic idea behind merchandizers: you pay money for a chance to win a prize.  They're designed to make you think it's a test of skill, but they're built with a secret counter; you automatically fail four out of five times.

They're usually stocked with fabulous prizes so awesome you think it's worth trying to win a first generation Nintendo DS in front of your date and, while you're losing all the money you saved to take her out to dinner, she realizes she shouldn't have let her mother set her up on a blind date and ditches you while you're still trying to win, leaving you alone with your shattered dreams of a game console.

Or so someone told me.  The point is: don't use them.

On Wednesday, my kids were home from school for teacher rip-off in-service day.  They had too much energy (six hours in front of a TV with a Costco-sized bag of candy and a two-liter of Red Bull will do that).  So, I decided to take them to Sky High Sports, a giant, trampoline death trap billed as a combination amusement park/fitness studio.

There, between the "Foam in Your Eye" diving pit and the "Leg Breaker" bouncing room was this merchandizer.

"Wow!  I loved Flappy Bird!" -Nobody

Basic idea: you navigate the bird between a series of pipes.  If you can make it through to pipe twenty, you get one of four fabulous prizes.  What prizes?
"Gronk!" means "Han totally shot first."
That's right, they were giving away a figure from Disney Infinity 3.  If you're not familiar with Disney Infinity, I'm not surprised.  It was one of those games you had to buy the toys to play.  The only problem was: nobody wanted them.  They discontinued the game.

The merchandizer also had...
I find your clearance-rate prizes disturbing.
Darth Vader.  Have you noticed the little red sticker in the upper right, yet?  Those are Target price tags.  Someone went to the clearance racks and picked these up for half price.
War Machine and Han!
They also have Han Solo and War Machine.  If you don't know who War Machine is: he's the best friend of Iron Man.  If you don't know who Iron Man is, he's the best friend of Spider Man.  If you don't know who Spider...  Never mind.  You know who Spider Man is.  Everyone knows that.

But notice, it's not a War Machine Disney Infinity Toy.  It's a War Machine Hot Wheels.

Who would want a toy car based off a character who doesn't need a car (because he can fly)?
Nobody.  Nobody wants a War Machine Hot Wheels.  That's why it's in the most pathetic merchandizer in the world.

 I can't imagine anyone who would be desperate enough to put money into it, even if he was sitting around waiting for his kids to finish jumping around so he could go home.

Nope.  Can't imagine.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Stupid Candy Bar Names

I was at Cost Plus a couple weeks ago and perusing the "nearly expired" rack.  Yes, sometimes I buy nearly-expired food.  My therapist tells me the medication will kick in, soon.

Anyway, I came across a candy bar at an FDA-cringing price.  For a candy bar that was nearly half petri-dish, it was good.  I couldn't help wondering why it had been sitting out for so many years.  Then I looked at the label.

Drifter, for the hobo in us all.
Yes, they named the candy Drifter, after people who were repeatedly forced to leave town for unsavory reasons.

I laughed (and took a picture, because weekly humor blog) and forgot about it.  A week later, I was in Trader Joe's and came across these.
Adding further proof that Trader Joe's is too cool for focus groups. Or common sense.
Boffo Bar and Quasar Bar.  Named after well-reviewed plays and the swirling masses at the centers of distant galaxies.

I then remembered one I came across during a long airplane flight many years ago.

With a name like Taxi, it has to be wholesome.
The airline was trying to come up with an "aviation-y" candy name, but it reminded me of the gum you get stuck on your shoe when taking a cab across Manhattan.

Coming across all these terribly named candy bars made me realize I could name candy bars as a new career (when I got tired of nude modelling).

Here's my ideas.

The Douche Bar
For those "not so fresh days."
The Passing the State Bar
So delicious, there should be a law.
The Zapf DingBar
When Wingdings don't satisfy you.

The Trump Bar
Grab life by the pussy.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Dungeons and Dragons and the 2016 Presidential Election

To all gamers,
After everything he's said and done, would you invite Donald Trump to your gaming table?
Imagine him in your living room. Imagine his behavior. Imagine how he'd act. Imagine him groping your girlfriend or sister or mom. Imagine him acting out when he lost fair and square to someone with superior skills. Imagine him disrupting the game, talking over others, so he could brag about himself. Imagine all the other shit he'd pull.
Would you invite Donald Trump to your gaming table?
If the answer is "No," why are you inviting him to run the country?
-John Wick
(game designer, author, luminary)

Johnny's Half Shell restaurant, fundraising room

Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders sit down at a table, brushing aside campaign leaflets and half-drained glasses of wine.  Sanders sits at the head of the table and unfolds a Dungeon Master's screen he's made from an old shoe box and duct tape.

Sanders: So, last week you successfully defended Alcarno from the armies of the Demon Emperor.

Johnson: What's Alcarno?

Clinton: It's our campaign setting.

Johnson: Is that a city?

Sanders: It's the citadel of the Democratically-Elected Bright Ruler.  It's a utopia where everyone is educated for free by the wealthiest citizens.

Trump: We almost got creamed.  I told you, instead of fighting man to man, we should have built a defensive rampart around the city.

Sanders: You didn't have the time or the manpower.

Trump: I would have cast the Control Creatures spell on the armies.  Made them build it themselves.

Sanders: You're not a spellcaster.

Trump: Yes I am.  I'm multiclassed.  I'm a fighter-magic user.   I have 18 intelligence.  I have 18/00 strength.  I have the best strength.

Clinton: The best strength is 21.

Johnson: Why does your character sheet say: +3 backstab?

Trump: I can't show you my character sheet at this time.

Sanders: You've been summoned to see the democratically-elected Bright Ruler.  Do you go?

Johnson: I don't know.  I'm in pretty bad shape.  I only have ten hit points left.

Clinton: Forty-three.

Trump: I'm fine. Don't worry about me.  I had a lot of lucky rolls.

Clinton: That's because you get your dice from Putin.

Sanders: A cleric, who is paid by the government to heal everyone free of charge, sees you and runs over.  "I am honored to help you," she says, "If you will just let me heal-"


Sanders: Uh.  Well.  Terrified by your outburst, the cleric runs away.

Clinton: Now what do we do?  Limp in to see the king-

Sanders: Democratically-elected Bright Ruler.

Clinton: -covered in blood and barely able to walk?

Stein: We naturally heal one hit point a day.  We'll be back to full health in-

Trump: Three years.

Sanders: Fine, the king-  Uh!  I mean, Democratically-Elected Bright Ruler comes to you.  He's surveying the troops with his wife.

Johnson: Who's the Bright Ruler?

Stein: What class is he?  If he's a healer, I keep my distance.

Trump: What's the wife like?  I move on her heavily.

Sanders: She's not interested.  She's married.

Trump: I can't stop myself.  I grab her by the-

Clinton: I kneel with my left hand out as is the custom in these lands.

Sanders: He doesn't look happy with you, Hillary.  "My spies sent me troubling intelligence about you.  It seems you've been giving speeches to the Emperor's generals."

Clinton: What? I- Uh...

Sanders: "And they also intercepted messages between you and your servant.  You were planning a coup to take over Alcarno."

Johnson: What's Alcarno?

Clinton: I had nothing to do with that!  I got rid of that servant the moment I found out about the coup.

Sanders: He points at your squire.  "That's her, right there!"

Johnny's Half Shell Owner: We have our third fundraiser of the day coming in.  You'll have to go.

Sanders: Well, that wraps it up for this time.  When are we meeting again?  Mid-November?

Clinton: I'll be busy then.

Trump: Me too.

Clinton: No you won't.

Stein: I'll have nothing to do.

Johnson: What happens in November?