Sunday, June 26, 2016

Photo Dump

There comes a time in every young man's life when he looks at the vastness of the universe, the multitudes of experiences open to him, and realizes it's been seven days since his last blog post.

Then a young man's fancy turns to cheap, quick blog entries based on all the random weird stuff he took pictures of.

16-16-16 isn't a date, buddy.  There's no way I'm buying your horseshit if you're going to lie about the freshness date.

I don't know what kind of motorcycle this is.  I just know it's a Decepticon.

I call this work of art The Death of Swag.

I was tossing all these out.  I spent hours going from booth to booth, looking for the best giveaways.  In the end, nobody wanted them.  Next year, I may skip the whole swag hunt.

My son was very proud of how long it took for him to chain her up so perfectly.  Should I be disturbed?

Glass Rimmer was my nickname in high school.

Oh, no, wait.  It wasn't.

Didn't get a good picture of this one, but it's of the Avenger known as Hawkeye and his friend, who obviously had a terrible accident.

"Hey, we need something more for our toy line."
"What about giving Hawkeye a friend with a peanut for a head?"
"Done that."
"What about a Spider Man car?"
"Done that.  Plus, a superhero who swings on webs using a special car isn't dumb enough."
"What do we have for his villains?"

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Adolescent Abnormal Shinobi Amphibians


So, last night I took my kids to see the second Ninja Turtles movie.  If you, for a moment, set aside the fact that the film is terrible, you can enjoy it a lot.

Had the same experience with this film.
However, I was disappointed with the humor.  There were moments when several, obvious jokes were calling out to be made, and the screenwriters let them pass by.

For example, Vernon Fenwick (the character played by Will Arnett) is given a key to the city for taking credit for the turtles' accomplishments.
I couldn't find a picture of him with the key around his neck, so I got this one of him being a douche.
When the turtles run into him, they (lamely) ridicule him, but never had the following exchange:
Donatello: So, does it do anything?
 Raphael: Yeah, does it let you open all the doors in New York, or something? 
Vernon: It's just decorative. 
Michelangelo: Maybe it lets you start the city and drive it away.
Then there's the scene where April O'Neil changes from being dressed like this

To this


All while walking through a crowded area without stopping. It's a cute scene (and far be it from me to complain about Megan Fox dressing sexily), but not once did anyone ask her
How did you take your pants off without anybody noticing?
Not once did we get the following exchange:
April: I'm twenty-nine.  And I owned you as a six year old.  So, you all have to be in your early twenties. You can drink and smoke and vote. Stop calling yourselves teenagers. 
Splinter: Young Adult Mutant Ninja Turtles doesn't sound as good.
Oh well.

By the way, thank you for creating a new female action hero.  There are so few.  Wonder Woman barely got any screen time.  Elektra is in a show too violent for young girls to watch.  And Black Widow had that whole controversy about her being on the Avengers poster in a "butt shot."

I mean, at least have Tony Stark in that pose, too.  On second thought, scratch that.
Kudos to Ms. Fox for giving girls a role model who isn't just there to show off her a-

Oh. Never mind.
As the end titles roll, they play the song from the old cartoon.  Which is fun, but why not give a shout out to the original comic books and older movies?  Why not make a joke about the best Ninja Turtles parody ever: The Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs?

Picasso! Warhol! Rockwell! Grandma Moses!
 Oh well.  At least there are plenty of burp and fart jokes.  Way to go Dave Green!

Saturday, June 11, 2016

My Cake Wrecks Submission

My son had an early birthday party last week. It wasn't his real birthday, as that falls near Father's Day and none of his friends are in town. When did Father's Day change from Make Your Dad a Card Day to Go on a Vacation in an Exotic Land Day?

So, I went to get him a birthday cake. The birthday cake wasn't for him, actually, it was for his guests. He's allergic to the stuff in most cakes, so we make him a remarkably healthy cake made with honey and almond flour and tastes like regurgitated sawdTASTES AWESOME, HI HONEY! GOOD MORNING! JUST WRITING IN MY BLOG.

Coldstone has this cool interface online.  You can play around with different flavor ice creams and decorations. You can even order a tiny, tiny cake and order them to write "Hey, man, I couldn't afford to get you a bigger cake, but I loves you anyway.  By the way, did you know there's no character limit on how big the message on a cake can be?"  Somewhere there's a Coldstone employee with a microscope and a tiny bag of frosting having a nervous breakdown.

Note: A cruel man would put offensive words on the cake, just to see their faces when he picked it up.  However, I'd never make them write "Hope this tastes better than your dick" or "Heil Hitler" or "Send the ransom money before this cake melts, or you'll never see your husband again."  No.  Not me.

I arrived at the store a few hours before the party and asked for it from the woman behind the counter.  Her face fell.

"It wasn't made," she said.  "The manager is the only one who can decorate cakes, and he's not here.  He turned his phone off, so I can't call him.  You're the fifth person who didn't get their cake."

This was one of those situations you see in sitcoms that leads to wacky hijinks.

"Oh no!" the mother, played by Lucille Ball, cries.
"Waaaaah!" the child, played by Mara Wilson, cries.
"I'll fix it!" the father, played by Steve Martin, cries.

Then, using a twelve-pack of pre-made pudding cups, three rolls of duct tape, and latte foam, he constructs something disgusting that, when the guests try it, turns out to be awesome and saves the day.

Yeah, I have hijinks, but they never end up wacky.  My hijinks end up with medical bills and a three-week suspended sentence.

As I was looking for other Coldstones in the area that might make me a cake really fast, the employee brought one out from the back.  It was completely different from what I ordered, but what other choice did I have?

"I'm not allowed to decorate it, but you can," she said.
"Sure!" I said.  "I took a cake decorating class back in the 90s.  I'll just write the message myself.  Nobody will notice."

She handed me a blue tube of frosting and a cup with six Butterfinger bars.  As the frosting bag sprung a leak and squirted blue icing all over my hands, I realized the danger of letting your son type the message in on an online form with no character limit.

With each letter I drew, the message I planned to write shortened.

Happy Birthday to You, Simon! became
Happy Birthday, Simon!  became
Happy Birthday! became...
Happy Barf  Day
When cut, it became

Just plain old BARF
Suddenly, the cake my wife made for my son didn't look all thatWONDERFUL HONEY IT LOOKED GOOD AND IT TASTED GOOD AND EVERYBODY WHO HAD IT LOVED IT AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Facebook Argument Stoppers

Sometimes Facebook arguments go on and on.  Sure, those can be useful discussions...

*SNERK*

Sorry, I can't say that with a straight face.  Okay, but let's say you got into an argument and don't want to back out because you'd "lose face."  Here are some memes you can post.

If you're in an argument that won't end, even though both sides have rehashed their stances over and over again.

If you're in an argument with someone who insists something is true and "scientifically proven" even though it isn't.

If you argue with someone who posts some bit of offensive nonsense and then gets mad at you for proving them wrong.
You're welcome.