Friday, May 27, 2016

Security Protocols

I have the safest house in the world. Thieves avoid it.

I could open all my doors and windows, post an article in the news proclaiming I'd just bought the world's largest diamond and was leaving it on my couch, then yell "I'm going away for a year!"

And nobody would break in.


I don't have a security system.
I don't have guns.
I don't have a guard dog.
I don't even have particularly good locks on my doors.

How do I do it?

I buy Lego for my kids.

Here's how it works:

  1. You buy your kids a few Lego sets.
  2. They'll put them together from the instructions.  Get bored.  Take them apart.  
  3. Instead of putting the Lego away nicely, they'll just throw them on the ground.  You could put the Lego away yourself, but your kids need to learn to do that themselves.
  4. Repeat.

If your kids get bored of small, plastic toys, show them The Lego Movie to get them interested:

Or, you can just show them mine:

So, the cycle continues:

  1. Buy more Lego.
  2. Build more Lego.
  3. Break more Lego.
  4. Lose more Lego.

Eventually, you will reach Peak Lego Defense.  At PLD, your house looks like this:
This is my living room.  Seriously.

See that door back there?  Nobody comes through that door.  Nobody.

Here's what happened to the last guy who tried:

One downside, though.  Lego costs a heck of a lot more than a door lock.  Or a dog.  Or a security system.  Or a castle.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Hoarding Wealth Meme

I've run across this meme a lot over the years:

And while I enjoy it, I thought I'd run it through the good 'ol MemeBreaker 2000 (patent pending).  Here's what it spat out:

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Birthday 46: The Hair

We all know why you come to this blog.
We all know it's not for my brilliant humor.
We all know it's not for my incisive political treatises.
We all know it's not for my moving stories of personal anguish.

It's the hair.  You're here to see what color I did this year.

Well, I'll cut to the point.  Hair you go.  You don't want to mousse this.  I hope you like my style of humor.  Hope you don't dye laughing.  Hope you like the final product. Are you feeling curlish?

Okay, I'm out of hairstyling jokes.


Jeez, I'm looking more and more like Bob from Twin Peaks as I get older.

My last visit to the red lodge.  Sadly, right after the red wedding.
Here's a picture with Helen, the woman who waits with bated breath for my birthday to come so she can go crazy with my head.

She put the woosh on my head on purpose.  I think it's revenge for something I said.
Red is the last of the spectrum colors I was going to change my hair into.  It's also one of the best.  It's so bright, it's shocking to people.  It's even shocking to Skype.  Whenever my Skype camera sees my head, it tries to color correct the world.

Here's what that looks like.

Worth it.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Birthday 46: Oops

So, you all remember last week?

The police were looking into the possibility Prince had an overdose.  iPhone sales dropped in the first time since forever.  Donald Trump was an idiot that was loved by an overwhelming number of idiots.

Seems like it was only last week.

Anyway, I wrote this post about my birthday.  Quick precis: poor kids.  Slightly longer precis: Instead of having a birthday party for myself, I wanted everyone to give money to a charity that throws birthday parties for homeless children.

Sounds like a nice idea, right?


I linked to Birthday Wishes, a charity that throws parties on the east coast.  I meant to link to Birthday Dreams, which throws them nation-wide.

No!  Wait, they do parties for kids in the "Puget Sound area."  (Fun fact: Puget Sound is the name of a kind of light rock often played at coffee shops.)

I meant to link to The Birthday Party Project, which throws them nation-wide.

No!  Wait, they...  Oh, no, that was the right one.

It turns out there are several charities that give parties for homeless kids.  Pick one.  I'm sure they're all nice.

As for me, this whole experience has been too traumatic.  I've given up on the idea of donating money for my birthday.  I'm going to spend it on an assistant who can verify all the URLs I post here.

In the meantime, check out this cute picture of a little, fuzzy kitten.