Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Birthday 46: The Final Decision


So, I'm about to be old.  Really, really old.  Old enough to be your father old.  Old enough for people to describe the decades of my childhood as a pre-technological wasteland.  Old enough that people younger than me die of natural causes.  Old enough to know better.  Old as...

Two things I'm older than.
I lost track there.  Happens to people my age.  What was I saying?

Oh, right, I've got a birthday coming up.  Now, as you know, I do awesome things on my birthday every year, but I've been running out of awesome things to do.  I needed more awesomeness.  A birthday concept with a lot of awesomeosity.

I decided on microbirthdays; I would travel to friends's homes with cake, candles, and drinks to share.  I even created a form so people could submit birthday requests.

Nobody submitted any requests.

At first I was a bit disappointed (i.e. hurt) and became despondent (i.e. angry).  Then I had an uncomfortable epiphany (i.e. night of drunkenness).  I was being selfish (i.e. normal for me).  I should use my birthday to bring joy to others (i.e. losers I don't know).  I would buy dozens of small cakes and bring them to a homeless shelter on my birthday.  They'd get a nice cake, and I'd get the gratitude of many, maybe they'd sing happy birthday.

Then I had another uncomfortable epiphany (i.e. disturbing moment of clarity that puts my character and history into doubt). I was still being selfish.  I needed to do something selfless.



This is Birthday Wishes.  They throw birthday parties for homeless children.  So far, they've donated tens of thousands of them.  I'm going to take the money I was going to spend on a birthday party and send it to them.

Here's what I want you to do:
If you were going to buy me a present, just send that money to them.
If you were going to buy me a card, just sent that money to them (plus a little more, I'd hope).
If you were going to wish me a happy birthday, send them a lot of money as penance for being a cheap bastard.

Now that is an awesome birthday.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Have Your Family Tried 'Em? Powdermilk!


Everyone knows that the things you make at home taste better and are better for you than anything processed or store bought.  I decided to test this idea; I made buttermilk biscuits this morning.

But I decided to go full out.  I'd make them as much from scratch as I could.

These would be God Biscuits: biscuits so perfect chefs from around the world would come to stare in awe.

First: Buttermilk
You can buy buttermilk from the store, but I was told (by a reputable source called The Internet) it doesn't taste the same as real buttermilk.  Instead, I bought cream.  Turns out you can make your own buttermilk by making butter.  The problem is, making butter isn't as easy as it looks in performances of Oklahoma.

Rodgers and Hammerstein made it look like you put cream in a toilet brush holder and pump it up and down a few times.

Yeah, don't do that.

According to The Internet, all you have to do is shake cream for a few minutes.  Turns out, if you shake cream for a few minutes, you get whipped cream.  I had to use a blender.

Rodgers and Hammerstein need to update Oklahoma to add an electric butter churn.

Second: Butter
You need butter to make biscuits, so I was going to have to make butter myself.  I took some cream and shook it until...

Oh, wait, I already did that.  Turns out when you make buttermilk, you also make butter.  Explains the name.

Third: Self-Rising Flour
To make self-rising flour, you have to grow wheat, separate out the hulls, and grind it into flour.  Then, you add baking powder, which you make by mixing baking soda with an acid salt.  You have to make baking soda.  Baking soda is made by combining sodium chloride, ammonia, and carbon dioxide in water.  You get sodium chloride by evaporating salt water (putting it in a pan in the sun under a magnifying glass) and then going to the store and buying some fucking self-rising flour god damn it.

Fourth: Mixing and Baking
Mix and bake.

Fifth: Digestion
Apply butter and serve with skim milk and then marvel at how your biscuits don't taste worse than the ones at McDonalds.

Sixth: Epiphany
As I was eating, I thought about how I could go even further back in the process, make things even more from scratch.  I could get whole milk and skim the cream off the top.  Then I'd separate the cream into butter and buttermilk.

Then I'd combine the butter and buttermilk again to make biscuits.  Then I'd combine the butter and butter and buttermilk and milk to make a meal.

So, I'd separate milk into three ingredients and then combine them back again.

Seventh: Laziness
Next time, I'll just drink a glass of whole milk and save myself the trouble.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Pope Pedicures


Pope: Welcome.  You are safe.  Be at peace.

Syrian Refugee: Thank you!  I've been through the worst experience of my life.  Family members killed by ISIS.  Paying my life's savings to escape.  Losing my wife overboard.  Being forced into camps instead of allowed into countries.

Pope: I'm so sorry.

Syrian Refugee: And did you see that camerawoman tripping people?  What's up with her?

Pope: It's all over now, my child.

Syrian Refugee: Thank you.

Pope: I want to wash your feet.

Syrian Refugee: I beg your pardon?

Pope: I want to wash your feet.

Syrian Refugee: I'm flattered, but I'm really not into the kinky stuff.

Pope: It's not sexual. It's a sign of humility and service towards others.

Syrian Refugee: I'd understand if you wanted to wash my hair.  I haven't had access to shampoo in months, but why my feet?

Pope: Christ washed the feet of His disciples before the Last Supper.

Syrian Refugee: Well, okay.  I guess I could sit through a pedicure.  Could you use that clear nail polish?  If any of my guy friends saw I had red toe nails...

Pope: No, I'm just going to wash them.

Syrian Refugee: And you're sure it's not a fetish?

Pope: It will be a symbol for everyone who supports your cause. It will engender compassion in those who fear you and pressure on those leaders who try to repel you.  It is definitely not sexual.

Syrian Refugee: Okay, then.


Pope: Good.  Now you understand I'll be wearing special robes and have someone film me doing it to you...

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Meme Career 5

With the internet economy, everybody seems to be posting this sign or arguing that you shouldn't.

Speaking of which, I totally will.
I've seen this meme a lot recently, too.

Another reason Radio Shack went out of business.
Which isn't entirely true.  You can't get headphones on your phone.  You have to carry them separately.

Some day cell phone manufacturers will make one you can actually hear.

However, they forgot to point out something.
Because a phone is better and cheaper than friends.

And, of course, there's one thing they really should have mentioned.

The real reason anyone uses a phone.  Or, the internet, really.