Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Meme Career 2

Continuing on in my career of I can't think of anything to blog so I'll do memes Meme Creator:

I'd explain them, but if I explained them, that would mean they weren't funny.


Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Daisy Ridley Nude

Once upon a time, there was a blogger named Matthew.

Matthew was intelligent, kind, creative, and more handsome than a Chippendale Dancers shower room.  However, he was sad because nobody was reading his blog anymore.  Actually, nobody ever read it, but his readership had dwindled to the point where only one person read it regularly (Hi Mom!).

Matthew hatched a clever plan.  He would go back to the dark, evil days when he wrote suggestive titles on his blog posts to drive up his readership.  He found the popular actress of the month and made a blog post suggesting he had nude pictures of her.

Actually, there were nude pictures of her on the internet, but he wouldn't stoop so low as to post them.  He'd only stoop so low as to pretend to post them.

Thousands of millions of people flocked to his page.  They found his post shockingly funny and discovered the rest of his blog.  Matthew became disturbingly famous (on top of being intelligent, creative, and handsome) and lived happily ever after.

The end.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

My Meme Career

After several years of posting to this blog regularly, one fact has become painfully clear to me: I'm never going to be famous from blogging.  Okay, okay, so most people realized blogs were a dead end a decade ago. I'm a slow learner.

I decided to become a famous novelist. Turns out there aren't many of them either.  I started a Twitter account and...

Well, you get the idea. My therapist says I should accept that I'll never be famous, so I fired her. I finally realized my humor works best in the short form.

The short form.
In other words, my humor comes best in quick bursts of unrefined funny.  My conclusion: make some memes.  Making a meme is fabulously easy.
  1. Get some random pictures
  2. Put your old Tweets on top of them
  3. Stick your blog address in the corner
  4. Profit
And so you have my first three attempts.

See? Comedy gold.

The big question now: where do I put all the money that's going to roll in?

Sunday, December 13, 2015

The Hazardous Menorah

If you are familiar with Hannukah, you know tonight is the last night.  If you aren't familiar with Hannukah, where's that cave you've been living in for the last five thousand years?!  

Hannukah is everywhere in the United States: menorahs burning in every home, Hannukah songs in every store and restaurant, public buildings lit in blue and white, and long lines of kids waiting to sit in Judas Maccabeus's lap. 

Of course, there are is the War on Hannukah.  It's so stupid.  I mean, yes Rohatsu, Solstice, Mawlid el-Nabi, and Zarathosht Diso are important holidays, too, but they're religious holidays! Hannukah is an American holiday.  Everyone can join in, regardless of faith.  And, anyway, this country was founded on Jewish principles.
Jefferson: author of The Declaration of Independence and member of the Sons of Liberty Minyan.
Where was I?  Oh, right.

The symbol of Hannukah is the Menorah.  Every night, for eight nights, you light an additional candle (one the first night, two the next, and so on).  Getting 116 candles for a menorah every year is a pain.  Stores sell out quickly, so I grab candles whenever I can.

I came across these this year.

Hand dipped candles are a good write-off on your taxes.
I noticed something odd on the back:
Turns out trimming your wicks is important. BTW, does anyone know the number of a good firefighter?
See it?
Right there between "Don't be an idiot" and "Don't be a moron."
It says "Don't use a menorah that can catch fire."  Let's think about that for a moment.  Somewhere out there, someone built a flammable menorah.
"Great work, kids! Now we can have a fire drill!"
Somewhere out there, someone put candles on a flammable menorah and burned their house down.

"Honey, can you put this in the window?"
We all have unique ways to celebrate the holidays.  From now on, mine is to drive from house to house handing out menorahs made out of gasoline-soaked tinder.

"Happy Hannukah! Here, take this."

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Yiddish Erotica

The title brought you in, didn't it?  Same thing happened to me once in the late 80s.

A little background: I'm a heterosexual male, and I went through that awkward, hormonal, sexually-obsessed period of every heterosexual male's life we call:


Life, for us, begins around the age of eight, and continues until the age of dead.  As it progresses, it evolves from "Wow, girls are awesome! I wonder if I can see one naked." to "Wow, women are awesome! I wonder if one will ever talk to me." and finally to "Is this enough pornography for the weekend?"  As a gifted child, I reached that last stage earlier than most of my peers and remained there until-

The point is, I really needed pornography.  Unfortunately, my only way to get it was to go into a store, take a Playboy Magazine off the rack, bring it to the cashier, and leave it there, running out of the store in embarrassment.

In college, I figured I'd finally see pornography.  I wasn't disappointed.  Then I was disappointed.  Really, really disappointed.  Man, pornography is bad.

You have to understand what pornographic world was like before the internet.
BTW, Pornographic World is a parody of Jurassic World
Now you can, for example, search for "porn Indiana Jones" and get a dozen videos you can choose between.  Back then, you had to go to a video store and ask the person behind the counter for Indiana Joan and the Black Hole of Mammoo.

I didn't make that title up.  No!  Really.

Indiana Joan is a video where the eponymous Joan gets all "eponymous" with a bunch of guys dressed up as natives.  The plot is...

No, no there really was a plot.  This guy got killed and Joan gets captured and has sex.  That's about it.

The point is, there was dialogue.  I know, because a group of us watched the movie and after twenty minutes, we got bored and fast forwarded through the film, only stopping at the dialogue.
"Wait, did she say something?" "Nah, she just moaned."
I'd only been in college a year before I gave up on pornography.  Then I heard the local video store had a film called Yiddish Erotica.

Yiddish Erotica.  Say it with me: Yiddish Erotica.  Think about it Yiddish Erotica.  There was no way Yiddish Erotica could be bad.

Even if all they did was put yarmulkes on the stars.

Even if all they did was have one Jewish American Princess yell "Beige!  We'll paint the ceiling beige!" during sex.

Even if all they did was have one guy yell "OY!" as he came.

It would be enough.  There was no way it could be bad.  None.

A friend of mine (Let's call him "Ned," because that's his name.) drove with me to the video store.  The problem was, you had to get it from a cashier, which was a problem for me.

Imagine, if you will, a dark store lit only by fluorescent lights.  Stacks of videotapes are arranged in shelves around the room.  A bored, young woman with dark brown hair sits next to a cash register, reading a magazine.  I walk up to her.  I clear my throat.  She ignores me.  I try to think of what to say.  I get to "I... Uh... I was looking for..."

Ned says "We hear you have a movie called Yiddish Erotica."

Barely looking away from her magazine, she leans behind the counter, grabs a tape, and puts it on the counter for us.  We pay, and she goes back to her magazine.

Me: "Thank you."

Without looking up: "Have fun jerking off."

We head back to our dorm's common room to watch it.  (This was the 80s.  We didn't have the idea of NSFW, let alone "Don't turn on pornography in a public area.")

So, we put it in the VCR.  And we sat down.  And we watched it.  Aaaaaand wow.  Wow.  

I have never been that disappointed in my life.

Well, there was that one time...
The creators of Yiddish Erotica didn't know what "Yiddish" meant.

There were no yarmulkes.

There were no Jewish American Princesses talking about redecorating during sex.

There were no "oys."

Most of the men were uncircumcised.

It was just a bunch of random clips of stuck together and was edited to make it take longer.  For example, the first scene is of a tanned, muscular, uncircumcised blonde man having sex with a tanned, uncircumcised blonde woman.  The woman was wearing red shoes and, at one point, he takes her shoes off.  Three minutes later, he takes her shoes off again.  Three minutes later, he...

You get the point.  Yiddish Erotica is like the Book of Genesis if you replaced the part where God creates Eve twice with the place where God takes Eve's shoes off twice.

And so, once again, I gave up on pornography.  Well, until the internet came around and I found you could do a search and find "alien with eight penises has sex with a group of women wearing space suits."

No!  Really.