Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Truncated Films

A couple weeks ago, I posted about (among other things) how movie theater signs cut off the names of films.  I noticed that these truncated names are more interesting than the original movies.  Take these examples:



Aren't these better than the originals?  Take "Dawn of the Plan."  Either it's about a jewelry heist (but the thieves never get past the planning stage) or it's a movie about a young woman named Dawn escaping an extremist religious cult: The Plan.

Compare this to the original film: "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" is about apes and humans killing each other over...  Er.  I can't really remember why there was killing.  I just remember it was two hours of general crankiness.

BTW, General Crankiness was not a great guy to serve under.
Then there are the two new Transformers movies.  The original Transformers films are...  Well...
The term "awful mess" comes to mind.
In contrast, we have:

Transformers: Age 0 - A heartwarming animated film about the birth of Cybertron, starring Baby Transformers.  Awwww.

or

Transformers: Ag! - A film about the last moments of Michael Bay, who was strangled just as he was about to pitch his idea for Transformers 5.

There's also:

Deliver Us from Evi - The sad tale of children leaving their home in Evi, New York and travelling by "orphan train" to find families in the old west.

How to Train Your D - The Muppets teach you phonics!

X-Men: Days of Futu - The X-Men... Uh... There's this guy named Futu.  He's an evil mutant with calendar based powers.  No.  No, Futu is a new mutant-killing...  Er.  Yeah, I got nothing.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Kids at School Theme Song

Well, that day has finally come.  The kids are in school.  Not just that lame, half-day kindergarten, noooo they're both in school full-time.

You know how there's always that one mom, sobbing in a corner on the first day of school?

"They grow up too fast," she moans.  Yeah, that's not me.  I've been waiting six and a half freaking years for this day.  Those were the longest years of my life, next to the two I spent watching Cirque Du Soleil's Dralion.
Six hours of guys jumping through hoops.  Cirque's not trying anymore.
I'm so pumped about having my life back, I'm picking a theme song about it.  Yes, that's right, the guy who'd be okay if they changed the Constitution to outlaw singing is picking a song.

Here's choice #1:
I plan to get as much done in a day, although the refrain of "When will my life begin?" is a bit contradictory.  My life begins fucking now!  Muhahahah.

Unfortunately, considering how much I usually get done when I have free time, perhaps song choice #2 is more appropriate:


In any case, I think this is the real song being sung by parents everywhere this week:
What would you pick?

Thursday, August 14, 2014

RIP Nexus 4

My phone died over the weekend.  It was killed by a Motorola car charger that didn't like it very much.  Now phoneless, I feel sympathy for Sauron from Lord of the Rings, who put all his powers into a small item that destroyed him when it was destroyed.

(Sauron and I have a lot in common, btw. We both went to Carnegie Mellon University, we both dated women who turned into monsters, we both think Orcs are cool, etc.)

Anyway, in honor of my dear, departed Nexus 4, I post this compilation of pictures I took with it.  Sometimes, I snap pictures of things I find amusing, but never get around to making full blog posts out of them.  Here's what I took:
I found this model at the local Michael's. "Hey, kids!  You want to look cool like detectives Crockett and Tubbs?" I guess Hobby Lobby isn't the only craft store that's out of touch with modern culture.  

This herbal remedy is supposed to help with your heart, but (from the name) I'm guessing they're trying to compete with Viagra.

Evidence that Trader Joe's is a front for a crystal meth operation.

My son made this tank out of items in our kitchen.  On the one hand, I admire his ingenuity.  On the other, I had to demolish it to make dinner.

Seems like an ad for people with ADD.  "You should really save energy POPCORN because the environment POPCORN needs your help."

I took this picture on the school playground.  Someone's note/napkin fell out of his or her lunchbox, probably while the kid was running.

Someone was selling magic, protective amulets.  Apparently, Judaism protects you from earthquakes.

Someone's bumper sticker against the NSA.  Thing is, if you use an old-style, rotary phone like shown in this picture, the NSA is probably ignoring you.  If not, this sticker will totally make them back off.

Underside of my Revere Ware pot.  The copper discolored in a cool way.  Once, I accidentally left a similar pot on the stove for hours and found the whole thing glowing these colors.  Then the ceramic cooktop of the stove cracked in half.

A water bottle from my son's school we put in the bottom rack of the dishwasher.  Actually, it's a good representation of how I feel about our recent agreement with the school district.

This tiny tree had grown one, GIANT lemon.  I see it as a metaphor for something in life.  Parenthood?  Unbalanced lifestyle?  Bad eating habits?  You be the judge.

The rubber thing on the left is an eraser shaped like a robot I had since I was a kid (named BRAK).  I noticed his face is eerily similar to the Telltale Games logo.  My lawyer tells me this means Telltale owes me money for copyright infringement.  Who am I to argue with a litigious old man in a Dodge Rambler?

My art installation: racism as told through the medium of biscuits.

Went to go see Edge of Tomorrow starring Tom Cruise.  The sign above the theater said "Edge of Tom," which was a very accurate review of the film.

Found this in the candy aisle of Office Depot.  That's right, if you want candy, they'll send some guy over to your house with it.  I think we could quickly bankrupt the store with this policy.

Goodbye, old phone.  I shall miss you.  Well, until my new one arrives and I get text messages again.  Sheesh, where do they go, anyway?  Is that YOU stealing them, NSA?!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

My Heartfelt Apology

I just wanted to say to all both of my regular readers that I am deeply, deeply sorry for not posting last week.  I was using all of the valuable time (12-18 minutes each week) that I normally spend writing this blog to being in Alaska.  Check this out:
Proof!
See, that's glacial ice.  That's why it's blue.  See, it forms under pressure from the snow above it making it so dense it bends light, making it look blue.  You could totally make a bundle inventing a glacial ice cube maker.

Wait, you don't believe me?  Here's a picture of a glacier AND a waterfall.
The glacier is the thing that isn't moving.
Funny story behind this picture.  I was planning to fast-walk down the mile-long path to this site.  The bus was coming to pick up my tour group, so I had to hurry.  As I'm jogging along, I see a sign: "Warning: a bear was sighted near here recently!"  A few minutes later, I hear this long, low growl coming from the path to my left.

I have never run a mile that fast in my life.

So, how was Alaska?  Hot, believe it or not.  Hot and sunny.  Hotter than when I got home to California.  Global warming is strange.

Other things that have been going on lately: my sunglasses broke.  This is one of the "temples."
Oooh, creepy!
See it?  No?  Look closer.

Seems I accidentally bought Maui Jim's Xenomorph brand glasses.

I also tried giving up my fingernail-picking habit.  At a suggestion from one of my two favorite aunts, I started taking something called N-Acetyl Cysteine.  It came highly recommended to her and stopped her nail-biting problem immediately.

Here's what my fingernails looked like before:
So you can see I have a problem.
I'm naturally dubious of any herbal remedy, but even if it was a placebo, it was worth trying.  The last time I had long nails was when I had mono in my twenties and laid around the house all summer, too tired to do anything.  So, relaxation might be key to stopping.

My remedy.
As you can see from the bottle, I had about 120 (giant) pills.  I took one a night for about two months.  When that didn't seem to be working, I doubled the dose.  So, three months later, my nails look like:
Ta da!
Yeah, pretty much the same.  Oh well, it was worth a try.  If there are any other suggestions, I'll take them.  What do you guys think I should try?  Excessive quantities of alcohol?  Cocaine?  Embracing trickle-down economics?