When I Feel Uncomfortable

This morning, I was sitting in my dentist's office and having my cleaning when the hygienist said "Let me know when you feel uncomfortable."  Of course, even if she was pulling my teeth out with white-hot pincers, I would never admit discomfort.  I'm just that macho.

Fun With Freecycle: Cold Hot Wood

I’m giving away this box of Hot Wood because it is insufferably cold.  You can light it, stuff paper around it, douse it with kerosene, stick it in a rocket ship and shoot it into the sun.  It won’t burn.

The wood hasn’t been in the rain.  It wasn’t submerged in liquid.  It was not harvested from a magic, underwater forest.

Although, that would explain a lot.

It just. Won’t. Freaking. Burn.

Chevys Is Nuts

"Would you like some arsenic in your drink?"

Welcome to my new, weekly column entitled "Chevys Is Nuts."  Originally, I planned on calling it "Chevys Is Fucking, Bitchcakes Crazy!!!"  Then I realized that this was a family-friendly blog, containing no foul language, insults to religion, or half-naked women.

Oh, no, wait, that's Kirk Cameron's Blog.

Thank God for Doctors

Procrastination Rules

Behold my to do list.

This is one of my to do lists.  This is one of my many to do lists.  However, it's the one nearest my front door, so I look at it the most often.  Now that I'm done with my novel, I devoted myself to getting one thing off my list every day.

The problem is, after a few days, all that's left are the hard ones!  Time for me to suck it up and finish one.  But which?

27%

This is a naked picture of myself.  (I was going to take it without the sign, but my camera automatically focuses on the closest object, so the picture was really fuzzy.)

Pinhole Completion

After almost a year and a half of work, I have finished work on Pinhole.  I wanted to thank all you who read my blog.  I wouldn’t have been able to write it without you.

When I started writing Pinhole, I did it as part of National Novel Writing Month.  Over the next month and a half, I posted my first draft here as I wrote it.  Knowing you were out there reading as I wrote made me get up and post a thousand words every day.  As I said, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you (heck, you even picked which novel I wrote).

When I was finished, my father pointed out that my book was far too short.  Novels are about 100 thousand words long.  Mine was only 60 thousand.  I wrote again and, three months later, Pinhole had ballooned to the right length.

Then I read it to my wife who, as always, was very supportive.  Well, she fell asleep a few times, but that’s a good sign with her.

I just left myself open for ribald jokes, didn’t I?

Charlie Haas, a friend and author, told me he would introduce me to a publisher friend, but only after my book was finished, polished, and my best work.  That got me thinking: was it my best work?  How do I know it’s my best work?  There are remedial English classes filled to the brim with people who think their novels are masterpieces.

I decided to hire an editor.  After I picked Jennifer Brozek, I sent my novel with the question: Is it good enough to publish?  Ms. Brozek was very positive, and told me to change two chapters (She hated one of the sad endings.  Who hates depressing endings?!) and assigned me to read The 10% Solution.

I bristled at the book when I first read it, but it changed the way I wrote significantly and gave me the tools I needed to improve.

This morning, at 10:45, I finished my final pass through the novel.  I added the secret code (I want all my books to have secrets hidden in them), and took out the last few times I used the word “red.”  It seems, whenever I need to say what color something is, I say it’s red.

The next question is what I do now.  Answer: everything.

I’ve put off a lot of projects to do this novel.  I’m working on three (maybe four) games.  I have a to-do list that’s two pages long (single spaced, 10 pt font).  I have this blog.  I have children.

Or I did.  Come to think of it, I haven’t seen them for a year or so.

And, in November, National Novel Writing Month rolls around again.  That doesn’t give me much time to get everything done, now does it?

Dungeons and Ikea

TRANSCRIPT START

Dungeon Master (early 40s, jarringly handsome): Welcome back, adventurers!

8th Level Thief (chaotic good, crusty but knowledgeable): Welcome back?  This is the first time we’ve played.

5th Level Paladin (lawful good: trusty but dim): No, remember, we used to play twenty years ago.

Thief: Wait, is this the same campaign?  Woah, is this the same character I used to play?  It has the same ring on it from where I put my beer down.  Holy crap, this is the exact same character sheet!  You kept all this crap?

DM: I have a lot of shelf space.

Paladin: Had.  Aren’t you remodeling?

DM: Well, yeah.  My wife told me I had to get rid of all the stuff I wasn’t using and-

Thief: So that’s why you asked us over to play D&D?

42 Evite

Invitations to my birthday party are out.  Yes, you are invited, just RSVP.  Now that I have a theme, a place, and a time, I just need:

• Someone to play The Bartender.
• Someone to play Arthur Dent.
• Someone who can record it (camera/tripod).
• Someone who can finish my six pints of bitter for me.

Volunteers?

Harry Potter Guy

My kids are listening to a book on tape-uh-DVD-uh-CD of The Hobbit.

By the way, does anyone else ever call it that?  Every time I try to talk about a book recording I call it a book on tape-uh-DVD-uh-CD.  When we get to the point where streaming is the dominant medium, I’ll try to call it a book on tape-uh-DVD-uh-CD-uh-downloooooaaaaaahhhh!

This must be what it's like for people born before the 70s to try to understand Android phones.

Let the Sunshine In

I was not an attractive youth.  I was thin and gangly with a bad haircut and coke-bottle glasses.  Then, one day, I hit puberty. BAM!  Instant sexpot.  What happened?  Back hair happened.

Political Correctness Corrected

When I was in graduate school studying language, I complained to a colleague that political correctness was stupid and had gone too far.  He pointed out that studies had shown that language does matter.  For example, if you said "mailman" or "fireman" to someone,  they'd imagine a man.  That language can create a stultifying atmosphere for a woman who is trying to find a job.  From then on, I tried to keep an open mind about political correctness.

Random Stuff I Find Amusing

When I see things that make me chuckle, I take a picture.  The things that make me laugh are, obviously different than the things that make other people laugh, so I get a lot of odd looks and restraining orders. 

For example, have these guys ever done ANYTHING funny?

Here's what I've collected in my picture gallery over the last couple weeks.

42 Invitation Images

I've been working on invitations to my birthday party this year, but I'm having trouble.  Here's what I know has to go on them:

• It's my 42nd birthday
• It's on May 19th in the early afternoon
• It will have a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy theme
• There will be a public performance

Here's what I don't know:

• What picture?

I know it seems a minor issue, but a picture is required in all birthday party invitations (ever since the Evite Treaty of 2007), and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is so full of wonderful images, it's almost impossible to pick one.

Since you're all going to get one, I was hoping you'd help.  Here's a list of contenders.  Let me know which one you like best:

The Babel Fish is a dead giveaway...

Humans were the third most intelligent species on Earth.

Oh no, not again!

There's a hoopy frood who really knows where his towel is.

It sells better for two reaons...

More Failed Memes

In light of my previous failed attempts to take the internet by storm, you would think I would give up, pack it all in, let the Republicans run the asylum.  However, I just can't stop without a few more attempts.  Let me know what you think.

Attempt 1: Vegetarians
I really got sick of the old joke about vegetarians.  Here's my new "spin" on it.


Note: I was so positive this one would take off I added the URL to the bottom.

Attempt 2: Unlucky Charms
I saw Lucky Charms at the store and thought the tagline "They're Tragically Delicious" was funny.

 Dostoevsky ate these every morning.

Attempt 3: Android Marketplace
I don't have a joke here.  This is what the Facebook app does.

All apps should be required to tell the truth.

Attempt 4: Christian Science Monitor
Not really a meme, but I noticed this at the bottom of a quiz I was taking.  You mean where Ghandi's soul is, isn't a matter of opinion?  There are facts involved?  Cool beans!


Of course he's in Hell!  Where else do they serve Domino's Pizza?

Passover Report 2012

One of the many problems of being Jewish in America (other than that everyone asks you to explain Woody Allen movies) is the holidays.  Jewish holidays are pathetic in comparison to the Americanized Christian holidays.

42nd Birthday Update

I’m sitting in bed right now, contemplating my most terrifying birthday celebration.  I just have to call and make a reservation.  Maybe after I’ve written a few more paragraphs.

My Failed Meme

The picture above was my attempt to start a meme.  I got frustrated by all the people on Facebook posting jokes about others getting offended.  Shouldn't I be offended?  Should I be okay with jokes that suggest all women are stupid and hormonal?  Shouldn't I ignore it when someone posts a comment that Latino men smell bad?  Do I laugh when a dick comments that African-Americans are stupid or a picture depicting Muslims as suicide bombers?


Nope, I was here before you.  It still shocks me that people are such morons.



Well, I'm offnded by you being an offensive jerk and I made a picture to show it.  I expected it to go viral and make a big sensation.

But nobody shared my picture.  It didn't go "viral."  Here it is in its original form.

Yeah, not as good.

Whaddya think?  Too wordy?  It's certainly better than my first design.

Still too wordy?

Superman and Mickey Mouse

This is me in my Superman pajamas.  They were a gift from my wife (Hi honey!  Please stop reading now!), and I wear them to be ironic.  Why?  Because Superman is stupid.

Spanking

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
MOM, DAD, and TIMMY (a five-year-old boy) are sitting in the office waiting for the doctor.  Timmy is sitting on the examination table, screaming nonstop.

DOCTOR (stereotypical older man in a white lab coat) walks in, he’s carrying a pencil and a clipboard that he hardly looks up from.

DAD

Hello, Doctor.

He shakes the Doctor’s hand.

DOCTOR

Mr. Henderson?

DAD

Yes.

The Doctor makes a quick note on the clipboard.

DOCTOR

Mrs. Henderson?

She reaches out to shake his hand.

MOM

Miz.  Ms. Henderson.

Doctor glances at her and makes a longer note on his clipboard.  He shakes her hand. 

DOCTOR

(looks over at Timmy, who is still screaming)

I see you’re in here for behavioral issues.  What seems to be the problem? 

DAD

We love our little Timmy, but he’s a little…  (to his wife) What’s the word, honey?

MOM

Bratty.

Doctor makes a note.

DOCTOR

And what forms of discipline do you use?

DAD

Time outs.

Doctor makes a note.

DOCTOR

How often do you spank him?

MOM

We don’t believe in spanking.

Doctor looks up from his clipboard in shock.

DOCTOR

Well, that’s the problem, then.

 

DAD

(a little too enthusiastic)

We should use corporal punishment?

MOM

But all the research says spanking is harmful.

Doctor laughs.

DOCTOR

My dear, if we doctors only listened to research, we’d have given up leeches and turpentine enemas years ago.

DAD

Yeah, honey.  What makes more sense: that Timmy would eventually learn to control himself if we’re kind to him or if we threatened to beat the snot out of him if he didn’t?

MOM

I don’t know.  I’d just be worried I’d hurt him.

 

DOCTOR

Don’t worry so much.  Beating kids makes them tougher.  You don’t want little Timmy to grow up a wuss do you?  Why, all the world’s greatest men were beaten as kids.

Doctor holds up a picture of Ronald Reagan. 

Mom and Dad sigh happily.

DOCTOR

While the worst were never spanked.

 
Doctor holds up a picture of Adolph Hitler.

  Mom and Dad gasp in horror.

DAD

You’re right.  We’ll start spanking right away.

MOM

But what if we do it wrong?

DOCTOR

Let me show you the proper technique.

Sits down next to Timmy on the examination table.

DOCTOR

First, take your child over your knee.  (He does this.)  Now pull your child’s pants down.  It’s especially important to expose his genitals so he’s humiliated.  (Pulls Timmy’s pants down.)  Now slap him hard on his bottom.

There is a slapping noise.  Timmy, who has been screaming this whole time, screams louder.

DOCTOR

Sometimes it takes a few spanks to get your point across.

Spanks a few more times.  Timmy keeps screaming.

DOCTOR

If that doesn’t work, you can add verbal abuse.  (takes a deep breath and screams as he spanks)  Shut up, you little monster!

Timmy is still screaming.

DOCTOR

Obviously, Timmy should have been spanked as a newborn.  I’ll need to increase the punishment.  Mr. Henderson, can I borrow your belt?

Dad takes off his belt and hands it to the Doctor.  Doctor whacks the kid with it.

DOCTOR

You little shithead!  Shut the hell up or I’ll fucking kill you!

 

Timmy screams louder.

MOM

It’s not working!

DOCTOR

Of course it is!  Everyone knows kids who are spanked are better behaved than those who aren’t.  You just need to increase the punishment.

Grabs Timmy and throws him though the closed window.  The window shatters and Timmy finally goes silent.

DOCTOR

(brushes off his hands)

See!  It always works in the end.

Onion Reader Thought Headline Funny, Disappointed by Article

Randall Finkless reads another disappointing article in The Onion

Randall Finkless of Newport, Maryland was deeply disappointed by an article in this week’s The Onion.

“I thought the headline was really funny, but when I went to read the article it wasn’t funny at all.  It was just like they repeated the joke in the headline over and over again.” Finkless said, then added.  “The Onion has funny headlines, but the articles aren’t funny.  The Onion has funny headlines, but the articles aren’t funny.  The Onion has funny headlines, but the articles aren’t funny.”

When asked where he would go for his fake news in the future, Mr. Finkless said: “I don’t know.  The Daily Show, I guess.  I heard Cracked is funny.”

When asked for a statement, Cracked responded that this was one of ten things they wouldn’t comment on.