Friday, March 30, 2012

Game Proposals

The big news in the game industry today is the engagement of Brenda Brathwaite to John Romero.  If you aren't familiar with the game industry, Brenda and John have both been major players since forever.  Most people know John Romero for his work on Doom and Brenda is known for Wizardry.

I don't know them very well, but I have seen them walking through the Game Developer's Conference together.  They're both tall, athletic, are well-dressed and have long, flowing hair.  They look like the rulers of a magic kingdom (which, in a way, they are).

I was about to email Brenda and ask her how John proposed, but thought it would be more fun to guess.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Without Makeup

I've seen a lot of short videos and photo essays about models without their makeup on.  The general gist is that we are creating images of women that have no bearing on reality, and it's hurting us.  I have some pretty specific views on beauty, but did find some really amazing images of stars and models before and after having makeup removed.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Corporate Slogans

When I was in college, I realized my life was going nowhere, and I needed a career.  As one of the biggest donors to the school invented the slogan "Coke is it!", and I had an "in" at an advertising agency (Doner), I figured I'd try my hand out in advertising. 

To prove my suitability as an intern, I created a few ads that were new twists on old ones (companies need to change their image in subtle ways from time to time) and submitted them.  Here's what I came up with.

Coke is it! [Note: "IT" is defined as: sugar, water, carbolic acid, and caramel coloring.]

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Super Mashup

I was thinking about this piece from Batman: The Dark Knight Returns.  Batman retires for a decade or so and the Joker, not knowing what to do with himself, does nothing.  He becomes nearly catatonic until (as you guessed from the title) Batman comes back.

I thought: "What would happen if the Joker killed Batman?"

Monday, March 26, 2012

Bullis Charter School Controversy

I am not one to avoid controversy.  Controversy is fun, especially when you get the British to try to pronounce it. 

"ConTROversy," they say, and I laugh.  Oh, those silly Atlantic islanders!

But I digress.  My son attends Bullis Charter School.  The school is controversial to the point where it takes up every waking hour of several nutballs.  It's controversial for a number of reasons, one of which is illustrated in the picture above.  Can you see what the problem is?

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Wives of Virtoo

Bastian met his new father-in-law, the King of Vertoo, in his chambers.  The King smiled in the dim light cast by the fire and bid him to sit.

            “I trust you slept well, sir?” the King said.

            Bastian bit back a reply.  The King’s eldest daughter, his reward for having rid Vertoo of The Scourge, had hardly let him sleep on their wedding night.  It didn’t seem like a safe topic of conversation, so he merely smiled and nodded.

            “Excellent.  Now that you are my son and heir, you must become involved in the affairs of state.  As King, I may not leave the homelands.  Every time I step outside our borders, there is a chance the government might be overthrown.  Normally, I send out Vizier Gyllen to attend parties, manage the campaigns, and treat with other governments.  Those duties now fall to you.”

            Bastian swallowed uncomfortably.  He had expected his time as prince would be filled with parties, and coronations, and hunting.  Bastian slouched in his chair as the weight of the world fell upon his shoulders.

            “Every father worries about his son-in-law.  Every prince is beset by amorous advances, especially when travelling.  I certainly was.  Young men and women would constantly vie for my attention.  Eventually, I had my guards visit my room every night before bedtime to clear out amorous suitors who were waiting for me.”

            Bastian sat up straighter.  Perhaps being prince wouldn’t be so bad.

            The King must have seen the look on Bastian’s face, and smiled knowingly.

            “I love my daughters very much, Prince Bastian.  I have raised them to be honest and true; each is well-versed in the arts and beautiful beyond compare.  If anyone betrayed them, it would be a stain on their honor and mine.  I would rather see them dead than dishonored.”

            “I would never betray you, sire!” Bastian said, immediately.

            “No, I know you wouldn’t.  I have taken steps to ensure your fidelity.”

            The look in the King’s eye made him shiver.

Thursday, March 22, 2012


Father Bromwell loved sitting in the confessional.  The light was good and it was peaceful, so he could spend the time reading.  He had just started the last chapter of John Grisham’s The Firm when he heard the confessional door open.  Bromwell sighed with annoyance, closed the book on his finger to keep the page, and slid the window open.

He was met with the smell of smoke.  It was an odd smell, almost like pipe smoke and frying bacon.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” a voice said.

It was a young man’s voice, deep and rich, with a thick accent Bromwell had a hard time placing.  Spanish, perhaps?

“It has been,” the man said and paused.  “It has been a very long time since my last confession.”

“What troubles you, my son?”

“A great many things, father.  More than I think I could name.”

“Confession is open for another half an hour.  If that isn’t enough time, we could make an appointment.”

“No.  I’ll be dead by then.”

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

About the Author

I've been working on a novel.  When I got to the part when I had to come up with an "About the Author" I realized a sad truth.

My life has been pretty dull. 

I decided that I would make up something more exciting than my life.  Every time I published a new novel, I'd write a tiny piece of fiction about myself.  Of course, I'd have to start with something bizarre and shocking.  However, when I showed it to an editor, her response to it was quite succinct.

"No.  Seriously."

Here's what I was going to write.  While it isn't very funny, I think the reaction it might have caused would have been frickin' hysterical.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Romantic Sex Comedy Monologue

I've tried to write romantic comedies before, but I never can seem to get the guys right.  Guys really don't want romance, so they kinda have to be pulled in.  Here's my most recent attempt to create a sleazy guy who later turns into a love interest.

Monday, March 19, 2012


On the most dangerous mountain in the world, Barry groped for handholds.  He had studied rock climbing for years, spent his father’s fortune in training, equipment, and locating the mountain.  He had given up friendships, love, and a family for this sole purpose.  Now, hanging upside-down over a three-mile gap, having lost, broken or used up all of his equipment and supplies, he was damned if a smooth rock surface was going to stop him.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Fun With Freecycle: Litter Cover

Today is the final day of Freecycle Week here at I Can Write Funny, and I saved the best for last.  This is the "Big Discovery," the "Pot of Gold," the "Republican Candidate With No History of Mental Illness."  This is the lid for the cat litter box.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Fun With Freecycle: Two Carseats

Giving away stuff has gone well for me lately, so I’m going to give away two (yes, two) convertible car seats.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Fun With Freecycle: Travel Cage

Behold, the one of the travelling cages of my late parrot, Winslow.  When he died, I gave most of his toys, cages, and extra food to charity (turns out there’s a lot of abused and homeless birds out there), but I must have missed this one.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Fun with Freecycle: Cat Suitcase

This is a large, green, fabric suitcase.  It’s a good shade of green, dark enough so it doesn’t make you look silly, bright enough to stand out on a baggage carousel.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Fun With Freecycle: Undead Color Printer

This is my last color laser printer.  It served me well for many years.

Friday, March 9, 2012

GDC 2012 on $75 a Day

If, like me, you've been forced by harsh economic realities and/or your own cerebral inadequacies to get the cheap pass (aka the Expo Pass) to the Game Developer's Conference, you may become depressed.  When you enter the conference, you'll notice the large charts of the sessions you aren't allowed to attend.
"Wow, I could learn so much if only I was allowed in!"
You'll watch all the (richer/smarter) attendees walking off into the restricted session and you will be overwhelmed by despair.

"I am overwhelmed!  With despair!"
But, do not despair!  There are tons of things you can do at the conference.  Here's a sample.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

GDC 2012 Booth Babes

I've been going to the Game Developer's Conference for a long time and, when I tell guys that, they always ask me the same thing:
"Just how old are you?"
After that, they ask:
"How do you score with a spokesmodel?"
First of all, you have to call them "booth babes."  They like it when a guy says that.  It's classy.  Second, you have to remember that scoring a booth babe is the ultimate goal of every GDC attendee; there's a lot of competition.  However, you have a shot if you know the trick:
It's all in the pick-up line.
The booth babes are on their feet all day trying to shill their products.  If you can walk up and drop a good one-liner on them, you'll brighten their day and they'll instantly fall for you.
Here's some pictures of me as I dropped my best lines:

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

GDC 2012 Report - The Crap

I've gone to all (but one) Game Developers Conferences since 1997.  That means:
  1. Unless you are a game god, I outrank you.
  2. I've spent enough on conference passes to fund the construction of an interstate highway.
  3. I know where the good stuff is.
The good stuff, is of course, all the free crap companies give out.  The GDC is extremely expensive for companies ($7,000 for a 10x10 booth expensive), so they try to bring people in by giving out free stuff.

There's another way they bring you in, but I'll cover that later.  In detail.
There a few major categories of free stuff.
Total Crap
Yeah, you heard me companies with bad stuff!  Your keychains, pens, bottle openers, and iPod covers can bite my fuzzy, white butt.  You know the only thing worse than a booth that gives out tiny candies or temporary tattoos?
No crap at all!  I go over to your booth, talk to some guy who tries to sell me an awful product, pick up the literature so I can pretend to read it, and then find out there's nothing good to take!  By the end of the day, I'm stooped over with the weight of dead trees advertising your monetization scheme or advertising API.  Every booth should come with a discreet recycling bin.
Shirts are almost as bad as Total Crap.  I used to love free shirts, but now that my mother doesn't dress me anymore (hi mom!), I stopped collecting free shirts that come apart in the washing machine.
No, we shall not.
Now my wife dresses me from the Gap and I only wish they'd come apart in the wash.
Squeezy Stuff
Normally, I wouldn't waste my time on stress relievers, they tend to explode into a pile of little fuzzy bits after an hour of use.  Still, mykids like them, so I pick them up.  They come in four kinds:
Ripe for abuse.
Christmas Story
"You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"
The rubber band darts are more likely to break off your thumb than go anywhere.
And this...  This is just fucking awesome.
Note to GDC conference goers: don't eat the free candy.  Exhibitors poison them in hopes you'll collapse in the booth and they can talk to you into buying their tree rendering software.
"Can I hold your hair back while I show you our B2B servers?"
Nice try, guys.  There's no way this isn't either a virus or a cheapo demo.
"Delirium" will be followed by the sequels "Nausea" and "Fever Blisters."
The final category is kinda the "no-category" category.  Oh, okay, fine.  It's weird but worth mentioning.
Spin this ball and it changes color!
Facebook, gamers don't need chip clips.  We eat the whole bag in one sitting.  Sheesh.
Tomorrow, I'll cover hot babes.  Well, uncover if I'm lucky.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Public Nudity

"Who put the porn on my crystal ball?"
Over the years, I’ve accumulated a few objects of power.  Infused with eldritch wizardry, they channel power not meant to be held within the human sphere.  Combined, with the Greyhawk of Blackmoor, I…

In memory of Gary Gygax.
That’s not working is it?  Lemmie start over.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Big (Dead) Breitbart

Andrew Breitbart was a powerful journalistic force who changed the face of politics as we know it.  He created a series of journalistic websites to challenge the lies we face every day.  Big Journalism challenged the mainstream liberal media.  Big Government challenged the excesses of over-regulation.  Big Hollywood challenged the liberal media elite.  Big Peace challenged…



Breitbart was heroically planning another website, heroically challenging the status quo to bring you the real truth, when he was heroically cut down in his prime by overdosing on drugs.

Sadly, we will never see the new website come to fruition.  However, through my dubious contacts in Big Breitbart, I can show you what he had planned.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Disney Cruise Servers

This is my server, Garfield.
It’s not actually him. My phone died so I couldn’t get a picture. Just pretend, okay?

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Other Things to do on a Disney Cruise

Today I am continuing from yesterday’s post on what to do on a Disney cruise.  If, after a few days, you have grown tired of the constant cycle of overeating and vomiting, you can: