Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Two Things You Do on a Disney Cruise

Continuing on with my Frank Assessment of what goes on during a Disney cruise.
The name’s Frank. Frank Assessment.
There are really only two things you do on a Disney cruise:
  • Get sick.
  • Eat.
Sometimes at the same time.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Wave Phones


Most bloggers will give you cruise reports in the same, old, boring way.  They tell you what to pack, what food to eat or places to visit, or what to avoid.  Not me, I tell you the important stuff.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Where Were You Guys?!


So, I post a blog entry about how I’ll always write five entries a week until I die.  Then I immediately disappear for a week, and…

Nobody notices.  No “Was that a joke?”  No “Man, I hope he offed himself!” Not even an “OMG, Wher iz he?”
No "Hey, there's a funny smell coming from his house?"

Friday, February 17, 2012

Thank You


I have a medical condition.  It’s called “I can’t write unless I know someone is reading it.”  You might consider this a minor, medical problem, but (as someone who wanted to be a writer when he grew up) it has plagued me my whole life.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Respect for Rights of Conscience Act


There has been a lot of news about the new law that wouldforce organizations to provide birth control to employees.  A number of Catholic institutions have protested and Republicans have tried to change the law to exempt religious organizations with a moral objection.  This exemption makes perfect sense, because we shouldn’t force anyone to pay for something they are morally opposed to.

That’s why I’m starting my own religion.  We’ll call it Matthewism. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Wonder Woman

My son is into superhero cartoons and wants me to watch them with him, so I started getting Justice League from Netflix.  It’s a well-made show, although a little silly and superficial in places.  I was enjoying it, but one thing confused me.

Since when did Wonder Woman fly?
Probably learned to fly just to get away from The Flash.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

What I Do Meme

I was going to do a "Blogger" meme, but it would all be pictures of people sitting in front of laptops.  This seemed funnier.

Monday, February 13, 2012

My Yelp Review


I posted twice on Friday, but (due to popular demand) am posting something short today.

My trainer asked me to write him a Yelp review.  This is what I wrote.

Before I met Daniel Tanori, my arms looked like Q-Tips.  I used to stand, shirtless, in front of the bathroom mirror and swing my arms forward and back, marveling that they didn’t just fall off.  A few years after I met my wife, she made me to join a gym and Daniel became my trainer.  A month and a half later, I was in front of the mirror again, but this time marveling at how my arms had changed.  I had biceps and shoulder muscles.  It was shocking and a tremendous ego boost.

Daniel is knowledgeable, personable, and enthusiastic.  His current facility on El Camino in Mountain View lacks showers and locker rooms, but is centrally located so you can quickly get home for a bath.

I recommend Daniel without hesitation.

This entire review is true.  I really did marvel at how creepy my arms looked.
Kinda like this, but less muscular.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Facebook Parenting for Troubled Teens

On Friday, everybody posted this video of a jackass parent disciplining his child.



The video was upsetting, but what was more upsetting was how overwhelmingly supportive people were about his methods.  I decided to make the response video, below.  Or, I would make a response video, if I knew where the video camera was.  You’ll just have to imagine it.

Plagiarism for Fun and Profit 2


Continuing on yesterday's post where I decided to emulate other sites to bump up my hits.  After going to Dooce, I went to Belle de Jour.  Belle’s site became wildly popular after only a few weeks of blogging.  Why?  Because she wrote about her life as a prostitute.  She wrote anonymously and, after years of people claiming she wasn’t a real person, revealed the truth.  She wasn’t a prostitute after all; she was a former prostitute.  Now she’s a research scientist.

Actually, I think all research scientists have sex for money.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Plagiarism for Fun and Profit


I’ve been looking at my blog hits again and realizing I’m never going to be rich and famous from writing here.  See, major media outlets don’t really take notice until you have at least 50,000 daily hits.  Even if you include webcrawlers, spam bots, and those eight people who think my blog is about sex in games, I’m still 49,983 readers short.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Crazy Crap from Rite Aid: Bonus!

Today's post isn't actually about something I saw in Rite-Aid.  I saw it in Safeway, but on the same day as the Rite-Aid stuff, so I figure it still counts.

I am not a fan of ice cream.  Don't get me wrong, it's nice and all, but it lacks...  Well, it lacks skill.  A cake takes precision to make well, to balance out the layers and the frosting, and can be decorated into a thing of beauty.  Cookies require shaping and sometimes cutting and decorating as well.  I could go on and on...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Crazy Crap from Rite Aid: Nutballs


There was just too much stuff to cover in yesterday's post, so I had to break it up into two parts.  The last time, I covered the second-hand toys Rite-Aid sells.  This time I'm covering the stuff only bought by complete nutball whack-jobs.

Or, you know, people who shop at Rite-Aid.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Crazy Crap from Rite-Aid: Toys


I was going to write a long introduction to this piece about how I went to a Rite Aid this weekend and took pictures of some of the insane stuff I found there.  Let's face it, though; the title says it all.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Magna Cum Laude

There is a serious problem going on in today’s public schools.  You probably know that national test scores are slipping, there is a deficit of good teachers, and that schools never have enough money.  What you might not have realized is how often teachers are having sex with their students.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Letter to My Senator

Printed letter left outside my door at 8pm last night:

Dear Senator Alquist,

Earlier this evening I was startled to hear my doorbell ring.
(Actually, I’m frequently startled by my doorbell because it’s one of those doorbells that plays a prerecorded sound.  Right now, the sound is of my youngest screaming “DOORBELL!” so you can imagine I’m startled often.)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Welfare Recipients and Drug Testing


This isn’t going to be funny.  Or, shall I say, this isn’t going to be one of my attempts to be funny.  I got into some arguments the other night about drug testing those on welfare or receiving food stamps.