Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Insomnia Wins Again

Update: I finally got to sleep at 5:30.  The skunks sprayed my house at 6:40.  Then the kids woke up.

It is 3:30.
No, not 3:30 pm, the other kind.  The bad kind.  The "holy crap it's the middle of the night and I'm still not asleep" kind.
I don't know why I'm awake.
I know why I woke up, though.  I got about an hour's worth of sleep and then was woken up by the loud sound of one of my cats grooming herself.  Ever since our heating went out, we stopped locking the cats in the garage at night.  Now they periodically wake me by charging down the hallway, attacking toys, and walking on my head.  They did that a few times tonight.
Sometimes people insist I like our cats.  I just chuckle when they say that.
Still, none of this explains why I'm still awake.  I can usually get back to sleep without too much difficulty.  After all, I have a method.  Sadly, that method failed.
It is now 3:45.
I've tried to make myself useful during the night.  I took one child to pee.  I...  Um...  I wrote this blog entry!  Yeah.  And I chewed out some unthinking conservatives on Facebook!  And...
Okay, not so useful.  Of course, I could make lunches or clean the house, but that would wake everyone else up.  What else can I do?
It is now 4:00.
Man, tomorrow is going to suck.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Lion Cut


We have two cats.  Both are giant, white fluffy cats known as "Ragdolls."  We bought one from a breeder (as mentioned in an earlier post), and the breeder threw in the mother for free since it was "Twofer Tuesday."  They have names, but my wife calls them both "Princess."  I think that nickname works well because, like most European princesses, they're horribly inbred.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Obama Ads

It's no secret that I'm a staunch Democrat, so I was going to stop making campaign posters.  Let's face it, though; it's easier to make a poster than come up with a normal blog post.  Here's what I came up with for Obama.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Ron Paul Ads

When I made contact with both the Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney campaigns, they both assured me that the singer Bono would be paying for my services.  At first I was confused as to what he had to do with politics, but I shrugged it off.  As it turned out, what they meant was my work was "pro bono" and that I'd do it for free.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Romney Ads

Great news! I heard back from the Gingrich people, and they want me to make more ads. I thought it was strange that they wanted me to make the ads for Romney, but I'm just getting started in politics.  Who am I to judge?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Gingrich Ads

In support of my latest favorite political candidate, I've created some ads for him.  I quickly threw together three of them.  Let me know what you think.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Prison Dating


Guys, I want you to imagine something for a moment: You’ve been travelling in a foreign land and falsely convicted of a serious crime.  With little hope of any reprieve, you are sent off to one of the most unpleasant prison camps on earth.

You are fed meals that are barely nutritious enough to keep you alive.  You are assigned to hours of work, lifting heavy loads or running up and down stairs with messages.  Your clothing is ill-fitting and uncomfortable, barely more than rags.  Every day, the guards laugh and jeer at you and, if one of them takes issue with you, you can be forced to take drugs or undergo surgery.  After years of this treatment, you receive a reward for your good behavior: you are allowed to have a girlfriend.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Nipples

When I was in sixth grade, I began sex education classes in school.  I learned about how a sperm cell fertilizes an egg.  I learned about how babies grew and were born.  Then I went out and began a life of sexual debauchery and mayhem just like evangelical Christian groups said I would.  Or I would have if I hadn’t been a horrible geek with coke-bottle glasses, discount clothes, and a cheap haircut.  In reality, I didn’t date until after I graduated high school.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Modest Proposal


You have probably seen the ads and billboards I have that urge you to adopt a pet from a shelter rather than buying one from a breeder.  I don’t care much for these ads.

Well, okay, some of them are pretty hot.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

SOPA PIPA

Soup a puffin?
If you are like me, you have no idea why Wikipedia (and a bunch of other sites you never visited) are down today.  I did some research and found out they were voluntarily shutting themselves down due to something called SOPA PIPA.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

WTF

One of the many problems with being a parent is that you have to admit you aren't a child.  Part of accepting you aren't a child is realizing that your parents won't be buying you presents anymore.  It doesn't matter how loud you scream and point in the store or if you threaten to hold your breath until you die, your kids get all the free stuff.  If you add lack of presents to the diaper changes and sleepless nights, it makes almost no sense at all to have children.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Kickstarter

I've always admired the companies on Kickstarter.  If you aren't familiar with the concept, Kickstarter allows small organizations and businesses to quickly get funding to start projects.  You can donate to help movies, games, comics, and so on.

There is no category for blogs. I've looked!

Friday, January 13, 2012

My Hundred Year Predictions

I wasn’t feeling like real news the other day, so I looked on the BBC’s website.  In between articles about how to keep your pinky raised at tea time, and how the British government is now a bunch of “mullycoddled wot wot cricketers,” I found this article: Ten 100 Year Predictions that Came True.

A hundred years ago, a man named John Elfreth Watkins published an article in the Ladies Home Journal (between articles about how to keep your pinky raised at tea time, and how the British government is now a bunch of “mullycoddled wot wot cricketers”) about what our century would be like.  Most of his predictions, bizarre as they seemed at the time, came true.

It got me thinking that somebody should make a new set of predictions for the next hundred years.  It would have to be somebody with integrity and wisdom.  Somebody who has the vision to see the future and the skill to explain it to a lay audience.  Somebody with a unique voice and a vast audience.

He wasn’t available, so I decided to do it.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

42.5


Update: I forgot to mention that my birthday is in mid-May.

Watch the beginning of the video above.  It’s part of the television series that first introduced me to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.  If you aren’t familiar with the Hitchhiker’s Guide, you’re a loser, but you still have a chance to learn about it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

42


When I hit the ripe old age of 39, I got tired of birthday parties.  Birthdays are pretty lame when you’ve had as many of them as I had.  Sure, cake is nice, and it’s always fun to blow out candles...  Then people sing at you.  Then you have to pretend to like gifts and write thank-you notes and realize you’re even closer to dying and haven’t done anything noticeable in your life and...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

How to Beat Insomnia, Part 2

Continuing from yesterday's post about how I learned to get to sleep.

Problem 5: Rug rats and being a living killing machine.
After having kids and having to wear pajamas again (my boys tend to like punching me in the testicles when they see them), I had a harder time getting to sleep.  I remembered how an old girlfriend asked me to put my hand between her knees so they wouldn’t touch while she was sleeping and started putting an extra pillow there.
And I know what you’re thinking, perverts. You try starting something with a hand that has fallen asleep from being squished between two bony knees all night.

Monday, January 9, 2012

How to Beat Insomnia, Part 1

The picture above is me for the first twenty five years of my life.  As a child and a young man, I was a terrible sleeper.  Long after everyone else in my family had fallen asleep, I would be still awake, staring at my digital alarm clock, and saying to myself: “Holy crap, it’s 3am.”  In the morning, I’d trudge out of bed, shower, and walk down to where the bus would take me away for a bleary day at school.

Over the years, I realized several problems that made it hard for me to sleep.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Most Successful Man Ever?


If you’re trying to decide who the most successful woman in ever was, it’s pretty easy: Queen Elizabeth.  Nobody can argue with that. 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Fun With Freecycle: Adventure Bedrails

Way back in the mists of time (1979), Atari released a game called Adventure.  Adventure had several innovations.  It was the first graphic adventure.  It was the first console game with an inventory system.  It was the first game with an easter egg.
Genius!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Rejected Lego Monthly Mini Builds

Lego stores have these monthly events called "Mini Builds."  The basic idea is that, the first Tuesday of every month, your kid can build and take home a little Lego figure.  Yesterday, we stood in line for two hours to get our snake figures.  While we were doing the assembling, the employee helping us told me that the kit designs are submitted by kids.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Heating and Air Conditioning: The Final Chapter

Our heating (and central air conditioning) was put in last week, so this is the final chapter.  Well, maybe it isn’t; we’re having new insulation put in the attic on Thursday, but I don’t expect I’ll be able to wring much humor out insulation installation.

Some highlights from the installation experience:

Monday, January 2, 2012

Keeping Up With the Cardassians


There’s been a lot of confusion, so let me make this clear:
This is a Cardassian.

This is a Kardashian.