Monday, October 31, 2011

Marilyn Meme

I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.  I make mistakes; I am out of control and at times hard to handle.  But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. 
 –Marilyn Monroe

I’ve seen this quote bouncing around Facebook from time to time and, as much as I love Marilyn Monroe, I’m confused why people post it.  First of all, why celebrate being difficult and unpleasant?  Second, why take relationship advice from a woman who divorced three times, had affairs with three married men, and killed herself with an overdose in her thirties?  Finally, and most importantly, why don’t men have quotes like these to share?

Here’s my attempt to remedy the third problem.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Kamping Komparisons

I never went camping as a kid.  Perhaps it was the way I let out bloodcurdling screams whenever I saw a mosquito or the fact that I was allergic to tree bark, but my parents never took me.  They also never sent me to summer camp.  Or allow me to drive.  Or unlock the door to my room on weekends and let me out.

(Honest, that’s why I never went to parties in high school.  It had nothing to do with my being unpopular.)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Aluminum Anniversary

I was browsing the internets when I found this site that laid out the whole method of writing a romance novel.  Having nothing else taking up my time, I decided to write another book.  Romance novels are the key to wealth, right?  I mean, romance novelists sell better than Stephen King!

Here’s the outline I sent off to Harlequin.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Help Movie Review

I don’t get to go see movies very often.  I have children, and it’s hard to schedule babysitters and…

It’s complicated, okay?  Go away.  Stop touching me.

Anyway, I find it easier to judge movies before I see them.  One movie that I almost saw is called The Help.  I don’t like this movie for a variety of reasons:

Reason 1: Women like it.
Don’t get me wrong.  I love women.  Women are smarter than men and have more empathy.  Also, boobs!  However, women have the worst taste in movies.  Any movie that women see in droves is guaranteed to be sappy and mushy.  Sappy and mushy is fine, but only if it’s between explosions and nudity.

"I have this sudden desire to take off all my clothes and blow something up."
 Reason 2: Hollywood racism
I don’t mind movies that take on serious issues, but racism isn’t serious any more.  Seriously, who thinks racism is good anymore?  So, movies about racism pretty much boil down to “racism is bad, yo.”  The last racism movie that Hollywood did well was Crash, and that was only good because a few cars blew up between the preachy racism scenes.
"We're oppressing an indigenous, minority.  Nah, that's not a metaphor for anything."
Reason 3: No explosions or nudity
‘Nuff said?
50% of a successful movie.
 So, I’m giving The Help a big thumb’s down.  I’m really glad I didn’t see it.  However, writing this review has given me a great idea: a service that makes movies better.  Here’s my plan:
  1. Get a movie that nobody likes.
  2. Splice in explosions and nudity.
  3. Profit.
You have to admit, an awful film like Casablanca would be better if, after he said “Here’s looking at you, kid” her clothes mysteriously disappeared and she danced naked.  Or, after the scene in Citizen Kane where he breaks up his wife’s room, the whole building exploded.  Or, in any movie recommended by Oprah…

No, I don’t think anything could fix those films.  Maybe we could have Oprah explode…

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Women's Work

As a man caught in a traditionally female role (caring for children, cooking, cleaning looking damned sexy), I’ve been thinking a lot lately about “women’s work.”  I assumed that women’s traditional roles had been chosen based on the fact that women were weaker, lazier, and dumber than men.  Then, one day, I started thinking about the different jobs and writing them down. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

If I Could Draw: Halloween Pun

Since my last post was so left-leaning, I decided to do something that would offend everybody equally.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

If I Could Draw: Halloween Response

I got tired of seeing this one on Facebook from the Republican viewpoint.  This is my version.  What do you think?

Friday, October 21, 2011

Shadow of the Colossus

I've always felt that games needed to push themselves farther.  When I started to try (and fail) to make games on my own in the early 80s, I had some pretty concrete ideas of what I thought they should do.  First, I would do away with the system of "lives" where you lost a life every time you got hurt and the game ended when you lost them all.  Second, I would put in an strong story that was as important as the gameplay itself.

My forays into game coding ended with a game I called Super Adventure (or SADV), a text adventure where you didn't do anything but watch a rendition of entering and leaving the world of TRON.  So, my big plans never really got far.  However, I must have had some kind of psychic powers, because I was able to project my ambitions on the game industry itself, and they incorporated my ideas into the majority of modern games.

Hey, they even got my "busty heroines in skimpy costumes" idea!
I would argue that some of the best games that followed my ideals were made by Team Ico (pronounced EE-ko), an internal group at Sony.  They started by creating a game called, oddly enough, Ico.  Ico is about a boy and his quest to save a silent girl from a crumbling castle filled with dark monsters trying to drag her into the ground.

If you get a chance, play Ico through to the end.  It's one of the best and most emotional scenes in any creative medium.

Their next game was called Shadow of the Colossus, where you play a tiny human who has to defeat giant monsters by climbing over them as they try to shake you off.  While, emotionally, I didn't think it packed as great of a punch, the gameplay was amazing.  Here's a clip of you fighting Monster 5, a giant winged creature.

Woohooeey!  That freaked me out the first time I played it, I can tell you.  Oh, but wait, that was killing a bird creature.  There was also a flying snake that I'll consider a bird.  Shoot.  Hang on a second.

Title: Shadow of the Colossus
Genre: Game
Severity: 1 (two deaths, plus one mitigating factor)
Date: 2006
Description: You have to kill two flying monsters, one which looks a lot like a bird.
Mitigating Factors: You pretty much have to kill every kind of animal monster in the same way.
Aggravating Factors: None.

Where was I?  Oh, right.  So, this month was supposed to be the release of their next game, "The Last Guardian."  It's been pushed back to April, which is a shame since Sony is doing poorly and it's one of the few things that might make me buy a PlayStation 3.  Here, take a look:

Yeah, so you don't see much gameplay, but just look at the relationship between the little boy and the monster?  See that expressiveness?  Your heart goes out to the two of them, which is something I never sent psychically to the game industry, but will from now on.

You hear me game industry?  I'm thinking at you!

Make games like this.
"So you want games where people take baths?"
Not like this!
"You want games with bigger explosions?"
Got it?
"You want games with-  ARRG!"
Shoot, sent too hard.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Joy of Negative Campaigning

Growing up, I knew about negative ads in political races.  Everyone watched them and everyone knew what purpose they served: to make our country stronger.  See, negative ads weed out the weaker candidates by pointing out their flaws.  This kind of campaigning has been around since the beginning of the Republic.  \

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Fun With Freecycle: Lamp

This little light of mine,
I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine,
I’ve had it a little time.
This little light of mine,
I’ve stopped letting it shine.

It should go.
It should go.
It should go.

The contractor picked it out.
So, I just took it down.
The contractor picked it out,
While I was out of town.
The contractor picked it out.
Now I have one that’s brown.

The new one’s brown.
New one’s brown.
New one’s brown.

This little light of mine,
It still works just fine.
This little light of mine,
Okay, you need a bulb, don’t whine.
This little light of mine,
On my porch it reclines.

It reclines,
I need a new rhyme,
What else works with “mine?”

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Five Myths Debunked by The Walking Dead

Over the last week, I've watched all seven episodes of The Walking Dead.  It blew my mind.  There were so many things I thought I knew that was wrong!  Here's a sample of what I learned....

Monday, October 17, 2011

If I Could Draw: Family Portrait

Nontraditional marriages can create something awesome.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Code of Conduct

I am unethical.  I have no ethics at all.  If I ever see an ethic, you know I won’t have it.  I’ll just walk up to that there ethic and say “Ha!  I see you and I will not have you!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

What You Shouldn't Do to Get a Guy

Okay, ladies, I get it.  You’re tired of being alone.  So, now you’re sitting at home, eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerry and listening to BeyoncĂ©’s “All the Single Ladies.”
(wtf is that?  A robot hand?!)

I know what you’re thinking.  I dressed up as a woman once for a play in college, so I know how women think.
Kinda like this, but with hairier legs.
I know what you’re planning to do and it’s wrong. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

No Blog Entry Today

You’re probably wondering why I won’t be posting a blog entry today.  My son is home today so his school can have parent/teacher conferences.  (He’s doing fine.  Good penmanship.  Works well with others.  Thanks for asking.)  We decided that he should do his homework early while I worked on today’s entry.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

How Columbus, Spelling and Iranian Comic Books Meet

Okay, I’m wearing running shorts and new shoes.  I’ve warmed up.  I shaved my back (at least, the parts I can get shaving cream on).  I am ready to show you how all three of those things in the title connect together.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Occupy My Street

Translation for those who can't read the picture:

Friday, October 7, 2011

Your Imagination is a Lie

When I was in Junior High, I started playing role playing games, such as Dungeons and Dragons.  After a while, I wanted to make an RPG of my own.  I came up with ideas for giant robot games and games about wars between the gods, but never got very far in the creation process; it was just fun to think about.  The idea I liked the most was called “Crossbreed.” 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

If I Could Draw: Steve Jobs

Let it not be said that I am neither topical nor tacky.  I also favor double negatives.

Jelly Belly Factory Tour, Part 2

Okay, okay so you want to know more about how my trip to the Jelly Belly Factory Tour was.

It was long.  Having done this tour twice already, I can tell you it doesn’t get any better with repetition.  Sure, I could tell you about the paper hats and the free samples and the process of how you make the beans.  I could tell you about looking down on the factory and how much my kids liked everything.

But you don’t come to my site for cheerful stories about happy experiences, do you?

You do?  Oh.

Well, in that case, it’s time for me to introduce a new feature here on I Can Write Funny: the guest blogger.  I’ve been having a lot of trouble keeping up with being funny five days a week, so I enlisted some help.  Without, further ado, let me hand things over to my first guest blogger: Wink D. Bivouac.  Wink’s good at enthusiasm, and he used to pretend to be my “Good Twin” on Facebook.  Take it away, Wink!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Jelly Belly Signs

So, today I went on the Jelly Belly Factory tour.  A lot of things happened, which I'm sure you'd love to know more about, but I'm tired and don't want to write.  So, here are some pictures I took of signs.

Monday, October 3, 2011