Monday, August 23, 2010

Common Parlance: Making a T

Urine is something that has been a lot on my mind for over six years. You see, I have children and urine and stools are 90% of parenting. Okay, so there’s feeding. And you have to dress them. Oh, right, and that whole education and emotional support thingy. However, parenting really boils down to urine and stools.

Pee pee and poo poo to those of you who already have kids.

If you have children, you are on intimate terms with pee pee and poo poo, and you’ve played such frustrating games as “How many times can I wash pee out of my clothes and hair in one day?” and “In what room did he hide the poop?” Although, I must admit, “How fast does the cat run when I pee on her head?” never gets old.

The problem with toilet training games is that most don’t work. We’ve tried “Sink the Cheerios” a delightful game where the child stares at Cheerios floating in the toilet while peeing in his pants. We’ve tried “Potty Scotty” where the child teaches a toy doll to use the toilet while he pees in his pants. We’ve tried “Okay, you’re in undies now, so get used to it,” which quickly becomes “What’s the brown squishy stuff coming out of the top of your child’s pants?”

Eventually, two experienced parents (Hi Mom and Dad!) taught me about “Making a T.” You simply have and older, already trained boy, pee in the toilet. Meanwhile the younger boy tries to cross the streams, so to speak, making a lowercase t-shape. Advanced players can make a capital T, or an x. If you have a third male, you can attempt the famed asterisk, although it tends to devolve into the “Daddy is peeing on your clothes and hair completely on accident and you’d better not retaliate unless you want to go to bed right now.”

If you have girl children, you’re out of luck. Well I guess you can play “Make the semicolon.” I haven’t tested that one. Let me know if it works.