Wednesday, April 14, 2010

35,000 Years Ago

Jok sat down heavily on a large rock. He slouched, scratching his large, sloping forehead. Something was wrong and he had to think about it. Jok didn’t think very often, because (even for a Cro-Magnon) he found it painful and difficult. Still, he had to think. Something was wrong, he couldn’t figure out what. Certainly he was unhappy, but why? It had started when he was trying to come up with more ways to play Fubal (a game he invented, which involved kicking a tapir across a field), but having so few friends made it difficult.

Ah, so few friends, that was the problem. He sighed and scratched his thick skull, looking for fleas. The problem was that nobody liked him. Sure, he was large and strong, but nobody cared about that. All anyone in his tribe cared about was intelligence, the one thing he didn’t have.

After a while, Sheer walked by. Sheer was also an outcast, and it wasn’t hard to see why. She didn’t like to eat and was unattractively slender, she refused to work and had ended up with abnormally long fingernails, and she was constantly trying to get new clothes. Sheer sat down on the rock next to Jok’s and began to groom him.

“What wrong Jok?” Sheer said after a moment.

“Me sad,” Jok said.

She grunted. Most of their language was grunts. This grunt meant “I share your feelings and would like to explore them further.”

“Wish me was Noord,” Jok said.

Sheer grunted again, meaning “Of course you do.”

Noord was the most beloved son of Jok’s tribe. He was constantly surrounded by males who wished to be his friend and females who wanted to be his Primary Mate. Noord was very smart. It was Noord who had discovered that fire burned hair, who invented hitting things with sticks, and had realized that new babies came from old people.

“It not fair!,” Jok exclaimed. “Me strong. Me big. Me kick tapir good. Why people not like me?”

“Me know,” Sheer said. “Have same problem. But what we do?”

Jok sat and thought. Sheer sat and thought too. They took turns grooming each other, finding more fleas (an important source of vitamins and minerals).

“Maybe we show people we better. We higher than Noord,” Sheer said.

Jok made a “How?” grunt.

“Hit him?”

“Hit him. Me like that.”

“And make jokes,” Sheer continued. “Say he so small he look funny. Trip him when he walk by. Break things he has. Then people think he not so high. People think you high.”

Jok smiled. He was starting to like Sheer, even if she did look funny.

“Maybe you do it too. Make females think they all be thin and have new clothes. Maybe they be like you. Stop eating. Make self vomit. They all be Sheer. You be Sheer leader.”

Sheer’s eyes brightened.

“This good idea,” she said. “It need name. Making people think you high need a name.”

Jok smiled.

“We call it High School.”

Friday, April 9, 2010

Liberal Movies for Conservative Audiences

Ever since Fox news decided that facts needed to be given a spin, I’ve been wondering about those poor, downtrodden conservatives among us. Everywhere they turn, they are assailed by the liberal media and feel as if their ideals are being forced upon them. I’ve decided to fix that problem by rewriting famous, liberal movies, so conservatives will find them more palatable.

This Week: Science Fiction and Fantasy

WALL-E finds that the garbage piled on the planet are all windmills, fuel-cell cars, and solar panels (failed green projects from the Obama administration). Auto, the evil autopilot, refuses to let humans return to Earth because they currently exist as a perfect Communist collective. When they finally get back to the planet, WALL-E opens a chain of stores he calls WALL-Mart.

Jake Sully fails to stop the humans from bombing the holy trees of the Pandorans. As the trees burn, it lets off a smoke that causes hallucinations. The Pandorans admit the trees were really drugs they were growing for “medicinal purposes.” Now free of their addiction, the Pandorans help the humans strip mine unobtanium in exchange for stock options.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
The Wicked Witch of the West sends her union of flying monkeys to intimidate Dorothy and her diverse company. Afraid she’ll have to raise prices to where she can’t compete with foreign companies, Dorothy nails the Witch into a pork barrel. Dorothy sells her company to the CEO of Oz and returns to Kansas where she marries young and raises her children while supporting her husband as a housewife.

Harry Potter Series
Voldemort nearly succeeds in his plan to redistribute the wealth of all the wizards to the muggles. At the last moment, Harry manages to stop all the wealthy wizards from leaving the country by making them all horcruxes that he hides amongst his wealth at Gringotts bank. Voldemort is executed for his crimes by lethal injection. Harry gives up magic as it conflicts with his fundamentalist beliefs.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Yes Yes Yes No Maybe

Yes, my last post was an April Fools joke.

Yes, I know it wasn't very funny.  It was funny to me.  I like the idea of someone making a "Bump N Jump" movie.  I like the idea of someone hiring me to write it even more.

Yes, I know that the failure of the "Speed Racer" movie and the fact that it's an obscure video game pretty much eliminate the chance that I'll ever write it.  Still, it was kinda good, wasn't it?  I like writing trailers.

No, I'm not bitter that I didn't get invited to the White House like SOME other blogger did.

Maybe just a little bitter.