Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year’s Resolutions 2010

I’ve never been one for a yearly set of resolutions. It’s not because I don’t have aspirations, it’s just that I create and fail resolutions on a daily, even hourly basis. I resolve to get up early in the morning as I realize I’ve sat in bed until sunset. I resolve to eat healthy while trying to figure out how many FunSize Snickers bars I can fit in my mouth at one time (28). However, since I have a blog and nothing to post, I’ll try to figure out a plan for the new year.

This year I plan to:
• Be a force of good
• Tear down those who harm the innocent
• Protect the weak
• Wreak havoc on criminals (a superstitious, cowardly lot)

I stopped there because I realized that I was writing Batman’s list. Not that I don’t like the resolutions, but I’d have to add “Watch my parents get killed in an alley behind a theater as a young boy” to the top. I started again, this time trying to keep more to what I really want.

This year I really want:
• Wealth
• Fame
• Sex
• Power

Okay, good, but too vague. I tried to think more specifically of what I want to do.

This year I want to do:
• Elizabeth Hurley
• Nicole Kidman
• Heather Locklear
• Uma Thurman

The real list was much, much longer. However, I realized while writing it that (1) none of them fit my definition of “doable” any more and (2) I haven’t seen a movie for far too long. In any case, I was setting myself impossible goals. I decided to give myself a list of things I could accomplish.

This year I will accomplish:
• Converting oxygen into carbon dioxide
• Converting food into excrement
• Exchanging money for goods and services

Now that was a list that fit me. Still, it was too easy. The whole point of a resolution is to shoot for something difficult. I decided to add one last item:
• Create a list of new year’s resolutions for 2011

Hope I’m not pushing myself too hard.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Fun With Freecycle Part 3

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I've been, er, busy and stuff.

To make up for the heinous crime of having a life, I am giving away my worldly goods. Here's my latest act of penance:

Pre-opened Clear Care Disinfecting Solution with SECRET TREASURE

I know how difficult your life is. You have soft lenses and you have to take them out and clean them every single day. The manufacturers of your contacts are slowly undermining your sanity by taking you away from your busy schedule for whole minutes at a time and to top it off, you have to go buy and open a new bottle of lens cleaner every month.

Well, I have a solution for you (pun intended). I have a box of Clean Care Disinfecting Solution that is ALREADY OPEN. No more will you have to rip your hands to shreds pulling open the top of the box because I’ve done it for you. No, there’s no need to thank me. It’s just something I do as my small contribution to the national defense. Feel free to suggest me for a medal or something, though. I’ve always wanted a medal or a knighthood. Sir Matthew sounds good, don’t you think?

Where was I?

The bottle itself is unopened and still has that super dooper plastic seal on it that keeps out terrorists or monsters or whatever, so you know it’s safe. For a small fee, I’ll open that for you, too.

Also, I’ve decided to offer an added incentive. Inside the box is a treasure. It is a treasure of such great value and magnificence that you will cry out with joy when you see it. This isn’t just one of those plastic lens holders with the thing at the bottom that fizzes to make bubbles it’s-

Oh, wait, it is just one of those things. But, hey, it’s pretty cool. They used to keep me up all night going bubble bubble bubble until I had to close the door to the bathroom so I could get some sleep. It’s also unused and came in the box. I’ll open that for you, too if you have any extra cash that’s weighing you down.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

How Old Is He?

I don't normally do "separated at birth" humor, but here's the President of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai.

And here he is, sitting down to dinner.