Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Bugs 3

A few days ago I went out to get the mail and found a terrible thing had happened. The bugs were gone. Okay, not REALLY gone, they had moved back into the mailbox. They had also lost their heads. I have no idea what happened, and I don't really want to know. However, it seems a good enough excuse to make a post.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

How to Register for a Business License With a Toddler

I’m sure the three of you have noticed I don’t post very often. This time I have an excuse. However, like most of my excuses, I’ve turned it into a blog post. Today, I am posting an informational essay.

How to Register for a Business License With a Toddler

Step One: Go to City Hall

  • If City Hall is located near a park, walk through park.
  • Dig toddler out of mud.
  • Change toddler’s clothes in nearby library.
  • Head back through park to City Hall, this time carrying toddler. Ignore the stares of people who think you are torturing your child who is screaming because you won’t let him walk.

Step Two: Go to the Business Office

  • If the business office is located on the second floor, go to the elevator.
  • Let toddler push button. Try to make toddler push correct button. Give up and let the toddler push any button. Explain to security why you set off the elevator alarm.
  • Go up elevator. Try to get toddler out of elevator.
  • Go down elevator.
  • Go up elevator. Try to get toddler out of elevator
  • Repeat.

Step Three: Look Up Business Designation
Upon entering the business office, you will be given a form to fill out. If you have already checked online, you will find there is only one field you can’t fill at home, the business designation number. The attendant there will give you a 1,000 page book to look through to find your designation.

  • Give toddler toy while you look at book.
  • Move toddler away from pamphlets on how to avoid swine flu.
  • Go back to looking through book.
  • Move toddler away from Tagalog translated pamphlets on how to avoid swine flu.
  • Go back to book. Hit end of book and start over from beginning.
  • Move toddler away from Spanish translated books on how to avoid swine flu.
  • Go back to book. Find something vaguely related to your business.
  • Pick up entire display of swine flu pamphlets.
  • Write designation on form and hope nobody notices you wrote down “electrolysis center” as your designation.

Step Four: Return Home

  • Leave Business Office
  • Return to Business Office to pick up remaining debris left by toddler. Ignore stare of angry attendant.
  • Go down stairs to avoid “elevator debacle.”
  • Stop toddler from banging on stained-glass window.
  • Stop toddler from climbing bronze statue of ballerina.
  • Drag toddler out front doors.
  • Drag toddler through park.
  • Strap toddler in car while avoiding flailing limbs.
  • Go home.
  • Scream.