Saturday, July 15, 2017

How to Make Chili for Your Son

  1. Remove chili from can.
    Remember to use even strokes when turning the can opener.
  2. Place chili in a microwave-safe bowl. 
    Cover with paper towel.
  3. Heat for 1:30.
  4. Open microwave to find that the chili has somehow exploded, knocking the paper towel off the top of the bowl, and coating the inside of the microwave.

  5. Clean microwave.
    You can use a wet paper towel, but disinfecting wipes are scented and you don't have to do the arduous work of using a faucet.
  6. Notice the piece of cardboard on the inside of your microwave. 
    Oops!  looks like you forgot to remove it when you unpacked the microwave.

  7. Remove cardboard, cracking a corner off.
  8. Realize it isn't cardboard, but a sheet of brittle, silvery material.
  9. Do research online to find out it is a microwave wave guide cover: "essential to keep the delicate equipment inside the microwave from corroding."

  10. Try to replace the microwave wave guide cover.
  11. Try to replace the microwave wave guide cover.
  12. Try to replace the microwave wave guide cover.
  13. Call local repair service. 
    You may find they are unfamiliar with the cover and special ordering the part may take two days.
  14. Look online to see if you can find a replacement part.
  15. Call a second repair person. 
    You will get the same result.
  16. Attempt to heat your son tamales in a frying pan. 
    Watch him disassemble the tamale with a fork until he finds a palatable piece, about 1/1000 the size of the original tamale.
  17. Make your son a salad.
  18. Call a third repair guy, who will mention local parts stores, but that "They'd never have something like that in stock."
  19. Call the microwave's manufacturer, who will tell you that they no longer service their own products.
  20. Call service company, who will tell you your microwave is under warranty, and they can send you a refund after 8-10 weeks. 
    They may suggest you contact the company that sold it to you.
  21. Email the company that sold you the microwave.
  22. Wait. 
    While waiting, consider how to reheat meals without a microwave oven.
  23. Search for nearby appliance part stores.  
  24. Call one.  "Sure, we have that."

  25. Realize the store will close in half an hour.
  26. Tell kids to get into the car.
  27. Beg kids to get into the car.
  28. Yell at kids to get into the car.
  29. Bargain with kids to get into the car.
  30. Physically pick up kids and place them in the car. 
    Remember to lift with your legs.
  31. Drive to store.
  32. Show broken microwave wave guide cover to proprietor. 
    He will hand you a large sheet of silver material that looks nothing like it: "We used to carry every brand, now we just carry this."

  33. Point out it looks nothing like the material your original piece was made of. 
    He will assure you it'll be fine.  "Just cut it into the right shape."
  34. Return home.
  35. Get your tools out.
    You will need: An exacto knife to cut, a cutting board for safety, a pen to trace, kitchen scissors because the exacto knife doesn't quite work, and your son's scissors because the kitchen scissors don't quite work.

  36. Trace and cut.

  37. Put newly-cut wave guide cover into the slot where the old one was.
  38. Change the orientation and place it in the slot.
  39. Flip it over and place it in the goddamned fucking slot already!!!!!
  40. Replace turntable.
  41. Make new bowl of chili, using plastic wrap to cover so it doesn't splatter.
  42. Serve with freshly shredded cheese.
    I suggest a sharp cheddar.

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