Saturday, April 29, 2017

How to Be an American: An Assimilation Guide for Immigrants

[UNOFFICIAL DRAFT - NOT TO BE DISTRIBUTED TO NEW CITIZENS]

Hello, invader and potential terrorist! 

If you've passed the immigration test then you know the names of all the presidents, the full text and importance of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights.  You know the dates of all our wars and their causes (not slavery, no matter what the Northerners say).

But ask yourself: do you know what it means to truly be an American?

Is it having a gun?  Driving a giant car?  Is it neglecting personal hygiene and common courtesy?
No.  Being an American is more than that.  It's a culture.  To be a Real American, you have to throw aside your beliefs and style of living.

Some handy tips:
  • Lose the accent
    There's only one American accent: YELLING AT PEOPLE WITH ACCENTS.
  • Eat American food
    Traditional American meal plan:


Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Breakfast
Bacon
Ham
Sausage
Eggs
Sugar Smacks
Lucky Charms
Steak
Lunch
McDonalds
Taco Bell
Burger King
Arby's
Wendy's
Subway
KFC
Dinner
BBQ
Fried Chicken
Pizza
Salisbury Steak
BBQ
Hot Dog
Double Burger

Don't forget, American food is plentiful.  If you can see your feet, you're not American enough
  • Complexion
    Americans have, um, clear skin.  Apply one of the following makeup colors: chalk, porcelain, or cream.  Make sure you cover everything.
Before and after
  • Entertainment
    Buy the biggest TV you can and get the most expensive cable package. Get either an XBOX or a Switch.  Don't get a Playstation.  Those are made in Japan.
  • Buy a Kindle, but never use it.  Just put it on your end table so people think you read.

    Music is limited to Country, Rock and Roll, and Hip-Hop, and Disco.  Celine Dion is American, no matter what her birth certificate says.  Rap music is foreign and causes kids to have premarital sex and kill white people each other.
  • News
    Remember the transitive property of mainstream media:
    Everyone is biased
    Therefore every news outlet is biased
    Conclusion = you can only trust Fox News, Breitbart, Trump's Twitter feed, and whatever meme your friends post on Facebook.
  • Political Involvement
    Don't.
  • Religion
    Christian.  You don't have to go to Church or read the Bible.  Just yell at anyone who doesn't wish you a Merry Christmas.


These are a great start.  Soon, you'll be bombing foreign countries and threatening foreigners just like the rest of us!

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