Saturday, December 31, 2016

The Tombstone My Wife Predicts


On the positive side, I don't have to drive for a while.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Dungeons and Dragons and the Election, Part 2

Johnny's Half Shell restaurant back room.

Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders sit down at a table, stained with human blood.  Sanders sits at the head of the table and lays out his campaign material.  He looks around.

Sanders: Where's Don?

Clinton: Burning in Hell?

Stein: "Let's change Dungeon Masters!" we said.  "Let the dice decide!" we said.

Sanders: Come on.  He won the roll fair and square.

Clinton: No, I won fair and square.  I got more points.  He just got three natural twenties.

Stein: We should make sure he didn't use loaded dice.

Sanders: Rules are rules.  He's DM now.

Clinton: If he shows up.

Sanders: Well, I'll just continue with the campaign until he does.  So, we were at the battlements of Alcarno...

Everyone looks at Gary Johnson.

Johnson: I know where Alcarno is.

Sanders: Good.  So, if you'll all get out your character sheets...

Johnson: What's a character sheet?

Donald Trump enters with an entourage of four identical, rich, white men.  He walks over to where Sanders is sitting.  Sanders, after a moment, stands and steps away from his campaign.  Trump sits.

Trump: So, I'm DM now.  This is going to be the best game.  Let's get started.

Sanders: Let me just explain what I've been doing.

Trump: I'm a smart guy.  I don't need to hear it.

Trump's phone beeps.

Trump:  'Scuze me a second.  (Types)  Fuck, you Saturday Night Live.

Sanders: It's just that I wrote up this table here, see?  You roll a D8 to decide what magical plane is intersecting the city at--

Entrourage: (sweeps dice on the floor) Dice are stupid.

Trump's phone beeps.

Trump: (typing) Fuck you, China.

Stein: How do I know if I've hit anything?  I've got an 18 dex, but if I'm not-

Entourage: (ripping up the character sheets) No sheets.  No stats.  No values.

Clinton: That's Trump's campaign in a nutshell.

Trump's phone beeps.

Trump: (typing) Fuck you Vanity Fair.

Sanders: Okay.  Uh.  Okay.  We were standing over here, on this corner of the-

Entourage: (crumpling up map) No maps.  No more planning.

Clinton: Also Trump's campaign in a nutshell.

Trump's phone beeps.

Trump: (typing) Fuck you, Bill Clinton.

Clinton: Can we just move on with the campaign?

Entourage: (throwing out the rest of the gaming materials) Dungeons and Dragons is the work of 
Satan.

Trump: I guess we're done here.

Trump and his entourage leave.  Sanders, Stein, Johnson, and Clinton look at each other.

Clinton: Well, we can try again in four years.

Johnson: What happens in four years? 

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

My Letters to the Electoral College

I've recently started work on sending letters to members of the Electoral College to beg them to vote against Donald Trump.  It's a long shot (like "snowball's chance in Hell"), but I feel pretty guilty about not participating much in the campaign, so I have to do something.

I was following the information at directelection.org, but the sample letters were a little...  Impersonal.  I started writing my own.  Over time, however, they got a little extreme. Here's the first few I wrote.


Dear Elector.

I realize you must be getting a lot of these letters, lately.  I'd like to add my voice to those asking you to not vote for Donald Trump.

Until recently, I just assumed electors were invented to keep the needs of cities from overwhelming those of rural areas.  I just assumed your job was to rubber stamp your state's majority.

However, I'm now accepting that there was wisdom in the Founding Fathers' desire to give some choice to our representatives.  You are a check and balance on the electorate itself.
To paraphrase Shakespeare: you have hands, organs, senses, dimensions, affections, and passions.  You are not just a stamp, you're a person with judgment.

Please use it now.



Dear Elector:

There are three million people out there whose votes were nullified by the Electoral College.  While I bow to the wisdom of the Founding Fathers to create the College in the first place, it seems criminal to effectively say to those voters "Yeah, you might as well have stayed home."
Is it the will of the people to ignore the will of the people?

Please vote your conscience.



Dear Elector,

Our president-elect has made it to his position through lies and misdirection.
Fake news stories gave people false information.  Donald Trump lied more than any politician has in the modern era (see Politifact, if you don't believe me).

However, none of that is what troubles me.  What troubles me is that Russia manipulated this election to get a president they wanted.  They manipulated the election to reduce America's standing in the world.  They manipulated this election to break us.

And they're going to win, unless you act.



Dear Elector!

I don't know much about your state.
Do you have many poor?  They're going to do worse under a President Trump.
Do you have small businesses?  More of them are going to close under a President Trump.
Do you have an LGBTQ community?  They're going to be oppressed under a President Trump.
Do you have an environment?  It's going to be destroyed under President Trump.
Are you part of America?  It'll collapse under a President Trump.

Please stop him!



Dear Elector...

Didn't get tickets to Hamilton?  Of course not.  Nobody did.

But you can still be a Hamiltonian Elector!  Isn't that nearly as cool?  You can even dress up as Hamilton and play the soundtrack while you cast your vote against Donald Trump!

Think about it!



[Dear Elector]

Donald Trump is going to be president.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah, I'm going back to the premade letters.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Jaws vs. Trump

Back in October, Mike Huckabee went on Megyn Kelly's insisted Donald Trump was like Quint, a character from the movie Jaws.
Huckabee: He’s vulgar, he’s salty, he might even get drunk ... But he’s the guy who’s gonna save your butt and save your family. And so, when he kills the shark, you’re happy about it.  
Kelly: I hate to be the one to tell you this.  Captain Quint got eaten by the shark.  
Huckabee: Look, any analogy can fall apart.
Actually, the analogy doesn't fall apart at all.  Let us compare the two.

We first meet Quint when he scratches his fingernails across the chalkboard to get people's attention.
And he drew a picture to help them understand.
We first met Donald Trump when he came down an escalator and told us we were going to be killed and raped by Mexicans.

"And some, I assume, eat people."
When everyone realizes they need help, he smashes the radio so they can't call for help.

Destroying your own equipment is the sign of a seasoned fisherman.
Trump, also has problems with calls.



Quint ignores his colleagues and pushes his boat beyond what is safe, destroying it in the process.

Trump...

Well, we'll see what he does with the nation.