Sunday, October 16, 2016

Stupid Candy Bar Names

I was at Cost Plus a couple weeks ago and perusing the "nearly expired" rack.  Yes, sometimes I buy nearly-expired food.  My therapist tells me the medication will kick in, soon.

Anyway, I came across a candy bar at an FDA-cringing price.  For a candy bar that was nearly half petri-dish, it was good.  I couldn't help wondering why it had been sitting out for so many years.  Then I looked at the label.

Drifter, for the hobo in us all.
Yes, they named the candy Drifter, after people who were repeatedly forced to leave town for unsavory reasons.

I laughed (and took a picture, because weekly humor blog) and forgot about it.  A week later, I was in Trader Joe's and came across these.
Adding further proof that Trader Joe's is too cool for focus groups. Or common sense.
Boffo Bar and Quasar Bar.  Named after well-reviewed plays and the swirling masses at the centers of distant galaxies.

I then remembered one I came across during a long airplane flight many years ago.

With a name like Taxi, it has to be wholesome.
The airline was trying to come up with an "aviation-y" candy name, but it reminded me of the gum you get stuck on your shoe when taking a cab across Manhattan.

Coming across all these terribly named candy bars made me realize I could name candy bars as a new career (when I got tired of nude modelling).

Here's my ideas.

The Douche Bar
For those "not so fresh days."
The Passing the State Bar
So delicious, there should be a law.
The Zapf DingBar
When Wingdings don't satisfy you.

The Trump Bar
Grab life by the pussy.

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