Saturday, October 8, 2016

Dungeons and Dragons and the 2016 Presidential Election

To all gamers,
After everything he's said and done, would you invite Donald Trump to your gaming table?
Imagine him in your living room. Imagine his behavior. Imagine how he'd act. Imagine him groping your girlfriend or sister or mom. Imagine him acting out when he lost fair and square to someone with superior skills. Imagine him disrupting the game, talking over others, so he could brag about himself. Imagine all the other shit he'd pull.
Would you invite Donald Trump to your gaming table?
If the answer is "No," why are you inviting him to run the country?
-John Wick
(game designer, author, luminary)

Johnny's Half Shell restaurant, fundraising room

Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders sit down at a table, brushing aside campaign leaflets and half-drained glasses of wine.  Sanders sits at the head of the table and unfolds a Dungeon Master's screen he's made from an old shoe box and duct tape.

Sanders: So, last week you successfully defended Alcarno from the armies of the Demon Emperor.

Johnson: What's Alcarno?

Clinton: It's our campaign setting.

Johnson: Is that a city?

Sanders: It's the citadel of the Democratically-Elected Bright Ruler.  It's a utopia where everyone is educated for free by the wealthiest citizens.

Trump: We almost got creamed.  I told you, instead of fighting man to man, we should have built a defensive rampart around the city.

Sanders: You didn't have the time or the manpower.

Trump: I would have cast the Control Creatures spell on the armies.  Made them build it themselves.

Sanders: You're not a spellcaster.

Trump: Yes I am.  I'm multiclassed.  I'm a fighter-magic user.   I have 18 intelligence.  I have 18/00 strength.  I have the best strength.

Clinton: The best strength is 21.

Johnson: Why does your character sheet say: +3 backstab?

Trump: I can't show you my character sheet at this time.

Sanders: You've been summoned to see the democratically-elected Bright Ruler.  Do you go?

Johnson: I don't know.  I'm in pretty bad shape.  I only have ten hit points left.

Clinton: Forty-three.

Trump: I'm fine. Don't worry about me.  I had a lot of lucky rolls.

Clinton: That's because you get your dice from Putin.

Sanders: A cleric, who is paid by the government to heal everyone free of charge, sees you and runs over.  "I am honored to help you," she says, "If you will just let me heal-"


Sanders: Uh.  Well.  Terrified by your outburst, the cleric runs away.

Clinton: Now what do we do?  Limp in to see the king-

Sanders: Democratically-elected Bright Ruler.

Clinton: -covered in blood and barely able to walk?

Stein: We naturally heal one hit point a day.  We'll be back to full health in-

Trump: Three years.

Sanders: Fine, the king-  Uh!  I mean, Democratically-Elected Bright Ruler comes to you.  He's surveying the troops with his wife.

Johnson: Who's the Bright Ruler?

Stein: What class is he?  If he's a healer, I keep my distance.

Trump: What's the wife like?  I move on her heavily.

Sanders: She's not interested.  She's married.

Trump: I can't stop myself.  I grab her by the-

Clinton: I kneel with my left hand out as is the custom in these lands.

Sanders: He doesn't look happy with you, Hillary.  "My spies sent me troubling intelligence about you.  It seems you've been giving speeches to the Emperor's generals."

Clinton: What? I- Uh...

Sanders: "And they also intercepted messages between you and your servant.  You were planning a coup to take over Alcarno."

Johnson: What's Alcarno?

Clinton: I had nothing to do with that!  I got rid of that servant the moment I found out about the coup.

Sanders: He points at your squire.  "That's her, right there!"

Johnny's Half Shell Owner: We have our third fundraiser of the day coming in.  You'll have to go.

Sanders: Well, that wraps it up for this time.  When are we meeting again?  Mid-November?

Clinton: I'll be busy then.

Trump: Me too.

Clinton: No you won't.

Stein: I'll have nothing to do.

Johnson: What happens in November?

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