Friday, September 9, 2016

Amazon's Wishenpoof

My family gets a lot of things from Amazon.  A lot.  We give Amazon gift cards, we get food from Amazon Fresh, we've nicknamed our children "Kindle" and "Jeff Bezos Single-Handedly Destroyed the Publishing Industry."

Hardly a day goes by without United Parcel Smashers (UPS) leaving a box on our doorstop.  Frequently, those boxes are nearly empty.  Just this morning, for example, Amazon Fresh delivered a giant box filled with 3 lbs of dry ice, insulation, a cardboard holder and one small package of precooked sausage.  But, hey, convenience, right?

It was no surprise when a nearly empty box arrived at our house (One of three boxes delivered that afternoon.  Is there a 12-step program for Amazon?).  What did surprise me was that the box was lavender.
Lavender! Also I need a manicure and to reduce my water consumption.

I resisted the urge to open it.  I opened a strange box in front of my son, once, and it turned out to be a gift for him.  Instead, I called my wife.

Her: I told you never to call me at work.
Me: This is important.
Her: They'd fire me if they found out I married into Team Mystic.
Me: It's about Amazon!
Her: (audible gasp)  What is it?!
Me: I got a lavender box.
Her: Lavender?
Me: Lavender.  It's a color.  Kinda between light blue and pink.
Her: I know what lavender is.  I'm just surprised you do.  You're a guy.
Me: What's in it?
Her: I didn't order it.  What does the label say?
Has a disturbing similarity to The Oogieloves.
Me: It says Wishenpoof.  What the fuck is Wishenpoof?
Her: Sounds like an intestinal disorder.  Like "Wishing I could poop."
Me: Maybe it's a gift.  Or a freebie from Amazon.
Her: (squeals with delight) Amazon loves us back!

I left the box in my son's room.  When he got home, he disappeared into his room with a pair of scissors.  Then he let out a yelp of anger and brought the box to me.  It wasn't a gift.  It was a box of yogurt starter we ordered.
Surprise! I got you bacteria.
Amazon just sent it to us in a big, nearly empty, lavender box. It was just some marketing thing.  A creepy, creepy marketing thing.  I noticed these instructions on the inside flap:

Note the inconsistent use of the period (.) and ampersand (&). Everyone needs a good editor.  Or every good editor needs to take a Ritalin.
It says:

  1. Draw your own wish want & wings on the box
  2. Ask a grown up to help cut out the wand & wings you drew.
  3. Color your wish wand and wings and go play.
Wow!  What a fun and exciting craft/game for my kids to enjoy/play!  I couldn't wait for my kids to get home and try it out.  No, really, I couldn't wait, so I did it myself.

Sorry, kids.  Daddy couldn't keep the magic in anymore.
Wow, I really have the "Wish I could poop" spirit, now.  Thanks, Amazon!

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