Sunday, August 14, 2016

The Most Awesome Way to Commit Suicide

I understand that while suicide is funny to a lot of people (a heck of a lot of people) it isn't funny to everyone. If this post is going to upset you, feel free to skip this blog post.

No, no.  It's okay.  Go ahead.  You can come back next week.  I'll be talking about puppies and rainbows and things that make me cry at movies.

So, let's say you're going to kill yourself.  I don't know what your motivation is, but (in order to maintain the humorous tone of my blog) let's assume you're killing yourself because you're just too awesome.

Almost happened to me, once.
How do you kill yourself a way that befits your awesomeness in life?  How do you make a mark on the world with your death that's equivalent to the mark you made in life?

Other than the obvious.
I've puzzled over this ever since I was an impetuous youth in a suicide-metal band.

Suicide Metal is like Death Metal with creepier groupies.
At first, I thought the best way to go is to stand on top of a pile of gunpowder-filled barrels and light them.  But there's many logistical problems, the least of which is the visit you'll get from Homeland Security when they realize you're amassing 1000 Metric Tonnes of black powder.

The most of which is that the character Longinus does it in the 90s TV series Roar.
Then I hit upon the idea of freaking out the coroner.  Now, before you get upset at me, keep in mind the following facts about coroners:

  • They need excitement.
    "Hey, Fred.  What'cha doing today?"
    "I dunno.  Maybe sit around and stare at the freezers full of dead guys."
  • They deserve being humiliated.
    "Hey, Fred.  What'cha doing today?"
    "Thought I'd tattoo I'm a loser on this guy's face.  Freak the family out during the funeral."
  • They need to be kept occupied.
    "Hey, Fred.  What'cha doing today?"
    "I've got nothing to do butd rain the blood of seven corpses to perform Satanic rituals."

How do you freak them out?  Easy. Stack so many methods of suicide together they'll never figure out what did you in.  I spent a few minutes reading the available research on suicide and came up with a method.  You'll need:

  • A gun
    With at least one bullet
  • Rope
    A long one, tied into a noose
  • A dose of extremely strong drugs
    Ten times as much as you can safely take
  • A can of gas
    Or kerosene
  • A train schedule


  • Find a bridge over train tracks and get there half an hour before the train comes.
  • Tie the rope to the bridge and put the other end around your neck.
  • Take the drugs (enough in advance you'll feel yourself blacking out as the train arrives).
  • Pour the gas over yourself.
  • Put the gun in your mouth.
  • Jump.
  • Shoot yourself on the way down.
If you planned it right, the gunshot will ignite the gas.  You should be shot, hung, poisoned, immolated, and crushed by the train all at the same time.  If you did it right, every newspaper on earth will cover your death instead of the five mass shootings that happened that day.  If you did it right, you'll keep the coroners busy for years.

Okay, next week we'll focus on puppies, rainbows, and what makes me cry at movies.

Oh, wait, I already did that.  Back to the offensive humor, then.

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