I've come down with a sore throat and nothing seems funny. I hate to call in a guest writer, but I'd hate to miss a week, more. So, let me introduce Wink De Bivouac. For those of you new readers (Hi Mom!), Wink used to do the occasional column for me. He was so popular, I asked him to do more columns, but he turned me down, saying he'd already accepted a missionary position in Iowa.
Well, he's back! Take it over Wink. Find something funny to say.
Thanks Matthew. Sorry about the cold. As they say in Des Moines: Hope the squinteys don't give you a snuggy!
Ever since I came back from the wilderness, I've been having trouble adjusting to the outside world. I'd forgotten all those amenities the primitive natives don't have access to in Iowa. It was like remembering a language you hadn't spoken in years. Every day was a new challenge. How do I cook food in a microwave? What is toilet paper for? Do we really need to wear clothes?
Sometimes I think life was better in Iowa. Everything is so simple.
Out here, the world is getting worse every day.
Islamic terrorists are growing bolder. Cops are more vulnerable. People are spending more time looking down into their phones for Pokemon than are looking down into their Bibles for saints. (By the way, you can catch a Saint Genesius near any improv stage.)
There is one great, shining hope on the horizon, though. You probably already guessed what it is: the election. Things could have gone much worse. We finally have a clear choice: a strong moral candidate and the spawn of Satan.
Let me lay out the (obvious) differences:
- One candidate has dubious monetary donations and shady foreign endorsements, and another has a long history of honest success.
- One has no experience and the other has tons.
- One candidate has a depraved marriage and the other is in a firm, committed relationship with an intelligent, wonderful spouse.
- One candidate has been unfairly maligned for past misdeeds, the other fairly maligned for past misdeeds.
- One is going to terrify our enemies, embolden our allies, and bring about peace and cooperation. The other is going to. You know. The opposite.
I think the choice is clear. Vote your conscience in November. For the majority of Americans, that means not voting.
By the way, someone is going to have to show me how voting booths work. In Iowa they pick candidates by throwing their feces at them.
Thanks Wink! We should do this again every never or so.