Saturday, April 23, 2016

Have Your Family Tried 'Em? Powdermilk!


Everyone knows that the things you make at home taste better and are better for you than anything processed or store bought.  I decided to test this idea; I made buttermilk biscuits this morning.

But I decided to go full out.  I'd make them as much from scratch as I could.

These would be God Biscuits: biscuits so perfect chefs from around the world would come to stare in awe.

First: Buttermilk
You can buy buttermilk from the store, but I was told (by a reputable source called The Internet) it doesn't taste the same as real buttermilk.  Instead, I bought cream.  Turns out you can make your own buttermilk by making butter.  The problem is, making butter isn't as easy as it looks in performances of Oklahoma.

Rodgers and Hammerstein made it look like you put cream in a toilet brush holder and pump it up and down a few times.

Yeah, don't do that.

According to The Internet, all you have to do is shake cream for a few minutes.  Turns out, if you shake cream for a few minutes, you get whipped cream.  I had to use a blender.

Rodgers and Hammerstein need to update Oklahoma to add an electric butter churn.

Second: Butter
You need butter to make biscuits, so I was going to have to make butter myself.  I took some cream and shook it until...

Oh, wait, I already did that.  Turns out when you make buttermilk, you also make butter.  Explains the name.

Third: Self-Rising Flour
To make self-rising flour, you have to grow wheat, separate out the hulls, and grind it into flour.  Then, you add baking powder, which you make by mixing baking soda with an acid salt.  You have to make baking soda.  Baking soda is made by combining sodium chloride, ammonia, and carbon dioxide in water.  You get sodium chloride by evaporating salt water (putting it in a pan in the sun under a magnifying glass) and then going to the store and buying some fucking self-rising flour god damn it.

Fourth: Mixing and Baking
Mix and bake.

Fifth: Digestion
Apply butter and serve with skim milk and then marvel at how your biscuits don't taste worse than the ones at McDonalds.

Sixth: Epiphany
As I was eating, I thought about how I could go even further back in the process, make things even more from scratch.  I could get whole milk and skim the cream off the top.  Then I'd separate the cream into butter and buttermilk.

Then I'd combine the butter and buttermilk again to make biscuits.  Then I'd combine the butter and butter and buttermilk and milk to make a meal.

So, I'd separate milk into three ingredients and then combine them back again.

Seventh: Laziness
Next time, I'll just drink a glass of whole milk and save myself the trouble.

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