I've been working on this blog for eight years (at least, that's what it says on the title graphic). After all that time, I've come to one, stark realization:
I'm not funny.
My most popular blog posts are either about serious issues (marginalization of women, gun control, Candy Crush) or had sexy pictures in them (mostly me in Speedos). The point of this blog was to help me improve my humor writing, but after eight years of trying I have to accept I need help.
Enter Teach Yourself Comedy Writing. It's a book that's been sitting on my shelf for years. Like Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and How to Create a New Identity, looking at it made me feel like I'd learned something without actually reading it.
I've decided to stop procrastinating and do the comedy lessons. I'll share them with you here because you will find them humorous and illuminating. Also because I can't think of anything else to post.
I'm going to talk about things I own only. I could make fun of a Salad Shooter, for example, but I don't have any experience with them. Yeah, they sound silly, but how and in what way?
- Toilet AugerA long pole with a tube inside it you use to push clogs through your toilet. Essential when you have large children and small toilets.
- Range Hood
Related to kitchen fires from poor chefs.
Mine is filled with more things than it can hold, most of which I've never used. Anyone need a Torx screwdriver?
- Display Cabinet
If you have kids, they're full of art supplies instead of... Well, what would you display, anyway? Fine china? Crystal figurines? Yeah, if you have kids those mysteriously disappear to be replaced with fragments of fine china and crystal figurines.
- Electric fake fireplace logs
- George Foreman Grill
They still sell those. People still buy them. Nobody uses them.
- Fitness equipment
Adjustable dumbbells, stretchy bands, foam rollers, PVC tubes, boxing gloves and handwraps, Costco-sized boxes of Gatorade. All covered by insurance. All gathering dust.
There are funny flowers? I heard of one called Phalaenopsis. It looked like a penis.
Hm. We have almond and coconut flour. They're masochistic replacements for normal flour. Imagine eating chewy sand.
- Halloween candy
You have to find a place to hide it from the kids so they don't eat it all at once. You have to find a place to hide it from yourself, because eating your kids' candy is the definition of a bad parent. Since nobody knows where the candy is, it gets lost for three years. When you find it, it's hard as a rock and covered in green fuzz. The kids won't eat it. It's yours.
I have two problems with making fun of public figures:
- Idon't keep up with popular culture. Few things depress me more than People Magazine. Who cares about the lives of actors or reality show participants? More importantly, who cares so much they want candid shots of stars walking down the street in sweatpants and sunglasses? I can understand looking at People at a doctor's office, but if you have a subscription, seek therapy.
- I watched this impressive interview with John Cleese. In it he was asked about the enduring popularity of Monty Python. He pointed out Python didn't poke fun at contemporary figures, so it was still funny after decades. He has a point; I'm sure jokes about Lilian Gish or President Taft were hysterical at the time, but who would get them now?
So, I'm going to skip Exercise 2. I don't know enough about Kanye West or...
Vincent D'Onofrio? Is he famous?
See? Not my thing.