Saturday, December 5, 2015

Yiddish Erotica

The title brought you in, didn't it?  Same thing happened to me once in the late 80s.

A little background: I'm a heterosexual male, and I went through that awkward, hormonal, sexually-obsessed period of every heterosexual male's life we call:


Life, for us, begins around the age of eight, and continues until the age of dead.  As it progresses, it evolves from "Wow, girls are awesome! I wonder if I can see one naked." to "Wow, women are awesome! I wonder if one will ever talk to me." and finally to "Is this enough pornography for the weekend?"  As a gifted child, I reached that last stage earlier than most of my peers and remained there until-

The point is, I really needed pornography.  Unfortunately, my only way to get it was to go into a store, take a Playboy Magazine off the rack, bring it to the cashier, and leave it there, running out of the store in embarrassment.

In college, I figured I'd finally see pornography.  I wasn't disappointed.  Then I was disappointed.  Really, really disappointed.  Man, pornography is bad.

You have to understand what pornographic world was like before the internet.
BTW, Pornographic World is a parody of Jurassic World
Now you can, for example, search for "porn Indiana Jones" and get a dozen videos you can choose between.  Back then, you had to go to a video store and ask the person behind the counter for Indiana Joan and the Black Hole of Mammoo.

I didn't make that title up.  No!  Really.

Indiana Joan is a video where the eponymous Joan gets all "eponymous" with a bunch of guys dressed up as natives.  The plot is...

No, no there really was a plot.  This guy got killed and Joan gets captured and has sex.  That's about it.

The point is, there was dialogue.  I know, because a group of us watched the movie and after twenty minutes, we got bored and fast forwarded through the film, only stopping at the dialogue.
"Wait, did she say something?" "Nah, she just moaned."
I'd only been in college a year before I gave up on pornography.  Then I heard the local video store had a film called Yiddish Erotica.

Yiddish Erotica.  Say it with me: Yiddish Erotica.  Think about it Yiddish Erotica.  There was no way Yiddish Erotica could be bad.

Even if all they did was put yarmulkes on the stars.

Even if all they did was have one Jewish American Princess yell "Beige!  We'll paint the ceiling beige!" during sex.

Even if all they did was have one guy yell "OY!" as he came.

It would be enough.  There was no way it could be bad.  None.

A friend of mine (Let's call him "Ned," because that's his name.) drove with me to the video store.  The problem was, you had to get it from a cashier, which was a problem for me.

Imagine, if you will, a dark store lit only by fluorescent lights.  Stacks of videotapes are arranged in shelves around the room.  A bored, young woman with dark brown hair sits next to a cash register, reading a magazine.  I walk up to her.  I clear my throat.  She ignores me.  I try to think of what to say.  I get to "I... Uh... I was looking for..."

Ned says "We hear you have a movie called Yiddish Erotica."

Barely looking away from her magazine, she leans behind the counter, grabs a tape, and puts it on the counter for us.  We pay, and she goes back to her magazine.

Me: "Thank you."

Without looking up: "Have fun jerking off."

We head back to our dorm's common room to watch it.  (This was the 80s.  We didn't have the idea of NSFW, let alone "Don't turn on pornography in a public area.")

So, we put it in the VCR.  And we sat down.  And we watched it.  Aaaaaand wow.  Wow.  

I have never been that disappointed in my life.

Well, there was that one time...
The creators of Yiddish Erotica didn't know what "Yiddish" meant.

There were no yarmulkes.

There were no Jewish American Princesses talking about redecorating during sex.

There were no "oys."

Most of the men were uncircumcised.

It was just a bunch of random clips of stuck together and was edited to make it take longer.  For example, the first scene is of a tanned, muscular, uncircumcised blonde man having sex with a tanned, uncircumcised blonde woman.  The woman was wearing red shoes and, at one point, he takes her shoes off.  Three minutes later, he takes her shoes off again.  Three minutes later, he...

You get the point.  Yiddish Erotica is like the Book of Genesis if you replaced the part where God creates Eve twice with the place where God takes Eve's shoes off twice.

And so, once again, I gave up on pornography.  Well, until the internet came around and I found you could do a search and find "alien with eight penises has sex with a group of women wearing space suits."

No!  Really.


Anonymous said...

I was there for the "Indiana Jones" one... I had the bright idea that the sequels are usually not as good as the original so we should get the first one instead. As I recall, that was not the best of ideas... -Ned

Matthew Kagle said...

Oh, like the sequel would have been so much better?