Sunday, December 13, 2015

The Hazardous Menorah


If you are familiar with Hannukah, you know tonight is the last night.  If you aren't familiar with Hannukah, where's that cave you've been living in for the last five thousand years?!  

Hannukah is everywhere in the United States: menorahs burning in every home, Hannukah songs in every store and restaurant, public buildings lit in blue and white, and long lines of kids waiting to sit in Judas Maccabeus's lap. 

Of course, there are is the War on Hannukah.  It's so stupid.  I mean, yes Rohatsu, Solstice, Mawlid el-Nabi, and Zarathosht Diso are important holidays, too, but they're religious holidays! Hannukah is an American holiday.  Everyone can join in, regardless of faith.  And, anyway, this country was founded on Jewish principles.
Jefferson: author of The Declaration of Independence and member of the Sons of Liberty Minyan.
Where was I?  Oh, right.

The symbol of Hannukah is the Menorah.  Every night, for eight nights, you light an additional candle (one the first night, two the next, and so on).  Getting 116 candles for a menorah every year is a pain.  Stores sell out quickly, so I grab candles whenever I can.

I came across these this year.

Hand dipped candles are a good write-off on your taxes.
I noticed something odd on the back:
Turns out trimming your wicks is important. BTW, does anyone know the number of a good firefighter?
See it?
Right there between "Don't be an idiot" and "Don't be a moron."
It says "Don't use a menorah that can catch fire."  Let's think about that for a moment.  Somewhere out there, someone built a flammable menorah.
"Great work, kids! Now we can have a fire drill!"
Somewhere out there, someone put candles on a flammable menorah and burned their house down.

"Honey, can you put this in the window?"
We all have unique ways to celebrate the holidays.  From now on, mine is to drive from house to house handing out menorahs made out of gasoline-soaked tinder.

"Happy Hannukah! Here, take this."

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