Everyone needs to know the answer to the question "How much of a dick am I?" We've all been called "dick," "jerk," "asshole," and "cunt."
Side Note: I don't quite understand insults towards women. It sounds strange to call a woman a dick (since they usually don't have any), but no woman-centric insults really work:
· "Bitch" means aggressive and forceful, which can be a compliment.
· "Pussy" means weak, which is more often used as an insult towards men.
· "Cunt" means... Well, I don't know what it means, but I know it's dangerous to say in the presence of women.
In any case, most of us try to avoid their dickishness, try to become kinder, better people. Me, I revel in my jackassery. Hey, why bother trying to improve myself for other people? Screw other people.
Other people suck.
Being an asshole is fun.
Allow me to present an example of my jerkosity. I give you the tale of
Matthew and the Itty Bitty Booklight of Love!
Far back in the mists of ancient early 2000s, I read books in the evening. Paper books. Those dusty, old things they keep in the library to be read by dusty, old people.
The problem with reading books in the evening is that standard room lights are always too bright. I bought an Itty Bitty Booklight, a small light that hooked on to the book's cover to make it more like a Kindle.
|It's like a book, but it lights itself!|
The problem with the Itty Bitty Booklight is the lightbulbs.
You may not remember incandescent bulbs. They were less expensive than fluorescents, but they didn't cast a weird blue light that made everyone look like rejects from a Goth convention.
|What? Why is everyone staring at me?|
Incandescent lights aren't sold much in the US anymore as a single bulb used as much power as a Kiss Concert. They also burned out. They burned out a lot.
Light bulbs burning out wasn't a big problem; you could buy more at any store. The problem was when you needed non-standard bulbs like they used in Itty Bitty Booklights. They were teensy and nobody sold them in stores. It took me a while, but I used this new thing called The World Wide Web (or Inter Net) and found a website that sold and shipped them.
When I got to the end of the address page, I found it had a "Gift message for recipient" box. For a moment I considered sending lightbulbs to all my friends, but decided against it.
|You shouldn't have! Really.|
Still, I couldn't just leave the field blank. I typed "You are an awesome person. You make the world better every day." and clicked send.
A couple weeks later, my Itty Bitty bulbs arrived. In the Itty Bitty box was a handwritten note with my exact wording. I expected a printed receipt with my text at the bottom like Amazon does, but someone had actually taken the time to write out my note.
|This is what they used to call "a handwritten note." You used them to keep your place in a dusty, old book.|
Months passed, and I burned out my Itty Bitty bulbs. I needed more Itty Bitty replacements, so I ordered another package from the same site. Remembering the handwritten note, I decided to see how committed the owners were to personalized service.
In the Gift message box, I typed "I miss the taste of your cock."
A few weeks passed. The box arrived. I opened it and found...
A printed receipt with my text at the bottom like Amazon does. That's right, I made the owners stop writing notes.
That's right, friends. I'm a cunt. I have...