We are all victims of the Cola Wars. Maybe you're too young to remember, but my generation -- the greatest generation -- lost a lot of good people.
We still have nightmares. Max Headroom. The Pepsi Challenge. New Coke. Pepsi Stuff.
We thought we were in the clear. Specifically Pepsi Clear. Or, well, Crystal Pepsi.
See what I did there? Never mind, the joke worked better in my head. The point is, people actually gave a damn about which brown, carbonated, sugar drink was gnawing away at their teeth. It was part of their identity. You chose Coke if you were into nostalgia. You chose Pepsi if you were into...
Actually, I'm not sure what makes people choose Pepsi. They probably chose it because the Coke machine was a few feet farther away. We were pretty fat during the Cola Wars.
The point is, there's no real difference between them. If one company bought the other but kept selling both brands, nobody would know.
Maybe this has already happened.
|Next stop, a soda fountain IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.|
I never gave a crap about which one I drank until I started wearing Nikes.
No, it makes sense. Bear with me.
|Not that kind of bear. Not that other kind, either, pervert.|
Different shoes have different numbers for each size. In Nike shoes, I'm a size "ten." In Reeboks and Adidas I'm a size "Fuck if I know." It'd take too much time to figure out. I'd have to call for a shoe guy, stand on a cold Brannock device, try on a dozen types of shoes while my wife shook her head disapprovingly, and so on.
Hey, I'm a veteran of the Cola Wars! Just standing up is a victory.
Nike also has these cool shoes called Nike ID. They're customizable. You can pick different colors and add words to the sides or fronts.
There are restrictions, of course. You can't write "FUCK FACE" on them. Not that I'd try. Unfortunately, you can't add "JOY STICK" either.
Nike hates gamers. And joy. And sticks. And fuck faces.
I really love designing my own Nikes, but they're expensive. Like "why the hell would you spend that much on a stupid shoe that's as dumb as caring if you drink Coke or Pepsi" expensive.
However, there are My Coke Rewards.
On ever can, bottle, and case of Coke is a unique ID code. You enter those codes into their website and accumulated points to get rewards. Towels, movie tickets...
Nike gift cards.
It took thousands of points to get a $50 Nike gift card. I started buying Coke. I started buying a lot of Coke. I got my friends to buy Coke and give me the codes. I snuck into my neighbor's recycling bin at night and stole their codes.
|Hi. My name is Matthew. I'm a My Coke Rewards Addict. Now give me my shoes!|
Just as I got enough points for a Nike gift card, the cost went up. Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Things change. Just as I got enough points for a Nike gift card, the cost went up.
And then again.
And then the website changed. Now not only do you collect points, but you also need "status." You start with bronze status. If you want the $50 Nike gift card, you had to have enough points and gold status. That's right. Coke is saying "Your money is no good here" after issuing the fucking money.
But, hey, maybe status isn't that hard. I've been a loyal Coke user ever since I realized I was too lazy to measure my feet. How do you get status? You post Coke promotions on your Twitter account.
That's right. You want to use your points? You do free advertising for Coke. I wrote and told them I didn't have a Twitter account. They wrote and told me how to go fuck myself.
So, I have decided to get a new Twitter account, a Twitter account I use just to post Coke Rewards ads. I call it:
Well, it was going to be that, but Twitter said it was too long, so I got:
Nope. How about:
No? Damn it!
You can find out how Coke is the official drink of American Sportsmanship or Coke's dedication to quenching your thirst or all the fabulous things you can buy with My Coke Rewards points if you have gold status.
Now give me my fucking shoes.