Once everyone goes to bed, the scout elf flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa the activities, good and bad, that have taken place throughout the day.In addition to ratting your kids out to St. Nick, the elf also appears around the home being naughty (breaking things, making a mess, etc.) and providing your children with an excellent definition of "hypocrisy."
No matter what the elf reports, Christmas comes and the kids get their presents. Rich kids are obviously less naughty than poor kids, because they get more and better gifts. The elf gets stuck in a closet and spends the next year plotting horrible revenge.
It's such a popular tradition, that they've introduced girl elves and elves of color,
and even "The Mensch on the Bench" for Jewish families.
The NSA Surveillance Operator in the Nook
The NSA Surveillance Operator in the Nook sits around your house all year round watching your children for potential un-American activities.
- Are your kids sharing toys? That's socialism!
- Are they reluctant to say the Pledge of Allegiance? That's betraying our troops!
- Express a desire to separate church and state! Uh oh, someone might be spying for North Korea or one of them atheist terrorist nations (I forget who they are)!
Every night, the NSA Surveillance Operator flies back to a secret, CIA black site to report to his superiors. At the end of the year, your children will be evaluated without a trial for enhanced interrogation or just left naked and drenched in freezing water after a rectal feeding in a cell overnight until they die of hypothermia.
The Elf on the Shelf didn't get your kids to behave? Try the NSA Surveillance Operator in the Nook! Only $29.95. Void in countries that respect constitutional freedoms and human dignity.