Thursday, December 25, 2014

Elf on the Shelf

It's Christmas, so many thousands of parents are packing away their Elf on a Shelf until next year.  Not familiar with Elf on a Shelf?  It's a Christmas tradition where parents put a little elf doll in their homes.  Then (according to Wikipedia):
Once everyone goes to bed, the scout elf flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa the activities, good and bad, that have taken place throughout the day.
In addition to ratting your kids out to St. Nick, the elf also appears around the home being naughty (breaking things, making a mess, etc.) and providing your children with an excellent definition of "hypocrisy."

No matter what the elf reports, Christmas comes and the kids get their presents.  Rich kids are obviously less naughty than poor kids, because they get more and better gifts.  The elf gets stuck in a closet and spends the next year plotting horrible revenge.

It's such a popular tradition, that they've introduced girl elves and elves of color,

and even "The Mensch on the Bench" for Jewish families.

Many parents are sad to see the little guy go.  He's an excellent reminder that someone is always watching and judging you, preparing to punish you for any disobedience or failure to bow to authority.  Therefore, I have created a new product:

The NSA Surveillance Operator in the Nook

The NSA Surveillance Operator in the Nook sits around your house all year round watching your children for potential un-American activities.

  • Are your kids sharing toys?  That's socialism!  
  • Are they reluctant to say the Pledge of Allegiance?  That's betraying our troops!  
  • Express a desire to separate church and state!  Uh oh, someone might be spying for North Korea or one of them atheist terrorist nations (I forget who they are)!

Every night, the NSA Surveillance Operator flies back to a secret, CIA black site to report to his superiors.  At the end of the year, your children will be evaluated without a trial for enhanced interrogation or just left naked and drenched in freezing water after a rectal feeding in a cell overnight until they die of hypothermia.

The Elf on the Shelf didn't get your kids to behave?  Try the NSA Surveillance Operator in the Nook!  Only $29.95.  Void in countries that respect constitutional freedoms and human dignity.

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