Wednesday, September 3, 2014

An Open Letter to Jennifer Lawrence* from Men

It's been a tough couple of weeks to be a woman.

No, wait, it's always tough to be a woman.  They make 76.5% of what men make for the same job.  They aren't allowed to control their own bodies.  They're kidnapped and forgotten.  While they commit a tiny percentage of violent crimes, they are still treated as if they were the emotionally unstable gender.

It's enough to make you think the world will be better off if men were locked away from the rest of society.

Let me rephrase: the last couple weeks were tough for men who care about women:

If you missed that last one, someone hacked the accounts of Jennifer Lawrence and several other stars and published compromising pictures of them online.  The backlash against the hackers was swift and severe.

Ha!  I'm kidding.  People blamed the victims.  Again.

I once posted an article called "Jennifer Lawrence Topless" in a blatant attempt to get people to click on my page (and it worked: 1056 hits).  I thought it was funny because she's a talented actress.  I thought she'd never do a nude scene.  Heck, she was the one from the "We Saw Your Boobs" song who didn't look embarrassed.

So, I feel bad and am writing to say "I'm sorry" and to explain why men hack accounts, kidnap, rape, drug, abuse, and generally mistreat women.

Ahem.

An Open Letter to Jennifer Lawrence* and Other Women from Men

Dear Jennifer (and the other three to four billion women),

Men are dicks.

I don't mean men are mean, selfish, losers.  That's an oversimplification.  I mean think of us as giant, walking penises.  If you consider us anthropomorphic phalli, everything we do makes perfect sense, because we really do think with our dicks.

Here's how it works: 
  1. When we see someone attractive, our reactions fairly normal: lust, desire, wistfulness.  
  2. Testosterone seeps into our brains in increasing quantities, changing our thinking processes in subtle ways.  
  3. Our way of thinking changes, and we become obsessed.  Acting like an idiot makes perfect sense.  Some examples:
    "If I sell my house and spend all the money on buying her gifts, she'll love me." or "
    If I shot the president, she'd notice me." or "Even though she's never met me, we're soul mates."
  4. In some cases, the feeling abates and we return to our "normal" state.
  5. Regret.  Anger (testosterone is an aggression hormone, too).
  6. Back to step 1.
You must have seen evidence of this behavior.  Someone pursued you desperately and, when you slept with him, he disappeared.  Once the hormones receded, he realized he didn't really like you all that much in the first place.  And, of course, it was your fault.

So, why did we turn the movie Sex Tape into a documentary?  Why are we currently downloading them millions of times per minute?  Why are we blaming you for our actions?  

Because, for just a little while, we got to trick ourselves into believing you were our girlfriend.  We imagined you sent us those pictures.  

Look through all those steps above and remember-

We're dicks.


Sincerely, 

Men  

*Jennifer Lawrence will never read this blog.

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