Thursday, April 3, 2014

Penultimate Pinhole Post

A couple weeks ago, my first novel Pinhole turned a year old.  I'd like this to be my last blog post about it, but I'll probably do another when I finish editing the audiobook.  And another when I sell the rights for a bajillion dollars.

So, just one more.

Anyway, for my next-to-last post, some things about Pinhole I haven't written about...

It's Top 100s, All The Way Down
My book has been on the Amazon Top 100 Lists the whole year, but there are several of them.  First, it was on the Science Fiction top 100.  Then it fell off the list... And onto the Hard Science Fiction top 100.  Then it dropped off to the Time Travel top 100.  And then it dropped off that to the Books/Time Travel top 100.
I've been hoping it would finally drop off completely, but it keeps inching back up, clinging to that last list like a frat boy to a keg.  I keep checking, but nothing changes.  Even the reviews have stopped rolling in.

Speaking of reviews...

The Good Reviewer/Bad Reviewer Routine
After a while, I noticed a strange pattern to my reviews.  Namely, they alternated good and bad.  A sampling:

***** "This is an awesome book!  It's like a puzzle!"

** "I'm a moron and I didn't get it!"

**** "Every thinking reader will love this book!"

** "Oh yeah? I think and read it.  Some of it.  Well, I didn't read all the words.  Just the short ones..."

***** "Well, your mother and I loved it."

* "Dad, leave me alone!  I can hate a book if I want!"

**** "Honey, don't be mad just because you still live in our basement."

** "Moooom!  I'm trying to review a book!!"

The other pattern was that people who hated the book complained it was too hard to follow and the rest "got" it.  I joke that my book is an IQ test, but I really think it is.  And, of all the people who took my test, This Guy:
totally failed.

This Guy, whose review boils down to "I didn't finish it because I'm a moron who smells funny and eats his own boogers", shows on every search for Pinhole.  He's the reviewer equivalent of a recurring case of herpes: always ruining your self-esteem when you need it the most.

Speaking of searches...

Wacky Search Results
There seems to be a cottage industry in making websites with the blurb for my novel on them.  Seriously, search "pinhole kagle" and scroll down a few pages.  Pinhole and skin tag removalPinhole and Pakistan.  Dozens and dozens of these little, identical pages copied from Amazon.

Speaking of Amazon...

The Check Is Not In the Mail
I was really looking forward to getting a check from Amazon and putting it on the wall as my first paid writing gig.  However, Amazon just sent it to my bank.  Sigh.  Kinda depressing to frame and hang an email listing the number of a direct deposit transaction.

Speaking of my...  Uh...  Wall, which could have a bottle of Jack Daniels near it...

I Need Controversy
A little while ago, I read this story about a guy who got a very nice "cease and desist letter" from Jack Daniels because the cover of his novel resembled their label too closely.  He marveled at how, after selling four thousand copies of his novel in the ensuing publicity blitz, he only made twelve thousand dollars.
After reading the article I thought: Hey!  I sold that many!  Imagine how much I'd sell if I can get a cease and desist!

My next novel will be called Pinhole and Johnnie Walker.

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