Thursday, March 6, 2014

What Kind of Harry Potter Wizard Are You?


I've decided to do a quiz this week on I Can Write Funny.  Having read the Harry Potter books out loud dozens and dozens of times, I figure I have a better handle on the character types than even JK Rowling.

So, without further ado, here's a quiz that tells you what kind of Harry Potter Wizard you'd be.  I not only have no magical ability, but I've also no programming ability, so record your answers separately and check them against the results below.

Question 1: What is your patronus?
A: Dog, cat, or other mammal.
B: Bird, fish, or other animal.
C: What the f-k is a patronus?
D: Don't you dare patronize me!

Question 2: Have you ever had a pet owl?
A: No.
B: No, but I bet it would be awesome!
C: Do you know where I could get a pet owl?  Is it legal?
D: Yes.  Also, I'm a big, fat liar.

Question 3: Lord Voldemort charges at you, wand raised!  Do you...
A: Cast expelliarmus on him.
B: Kneel and pledge your allegiance.
C: Swear off those killer 'shrooms your buddy gave you.
D: Offer him BreatheRight Strips for that awful snoring problem he must have.  I mean, seriously, look at those nostrils!  He must have sleep apnea.

Question 4: What house would you be sorted into?
A: Gryffindor - I'm brave.
B: Slytherin - I'm a jackass.
C: Hufflepuff - I'm a loser.
D: Ravenclaw - Er, what are Ravenclaws, again?  Good at cooking?

Question 5: When I look in the Mirror of Erised, I see...
A: My family, alive and not judging me for reading children's literature all the time.
B: Kate Upton in a bikini holding beer and pizza.
C: Adam Levine in a Speedo, holding chocolate and wine.
D: Adam Levine and Kate Upton holding lint rollers in a bathtub filled with blueberry yogurt and Goldfish crackers and didn't you read answer A?  I said don't judge me!

Great!  Now check your answers against the results below:


If you answered mostly A: You are a squib!
Congratulations, you are one of the very rare people born with no magical ability.  Sure, you may know about the world of wizards and witches, but you'll never be a real part of it.  If you're lucky, you might be allowed to sweep up old castles or raise cats... But, let's face it, if you were lucky you wouldn't be a squib.


If you answered mostly B: You are a muggle!
You are one of those completely non-magical people who never get involved in the wizarding world.  Maybe you'll wander into a wizard camp-out, be abused and ridiculed,then have your memory erased, but that's it.


If you answered mostly C: You are a muggle who wants to be magical!
Not only are you unable to perform magic, something that will never, ever change, but you're upset about that.  The best hope you have for a normal life is to marry somebody who owns a drill company and abuse any wizard children you can.


If you answered mostly D: You are a person with no magical ability!

Congratulations, you're... Oh, right, you're normal, just like everyone else.

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