Thursday, February 6, 2014

What Common Valentine's Day Gifts Really Mean

It's Valentine's Day next week and if you're like me (and, let's face it, you're not), you're probably wondering what crappy present to give your sweetie.  The problem is, of course, that whatever you give her (and, if you're like me, you're giving gifts to a "her") has a secret subtext you don't know about.  Before you give any gifts, use the following chart to make sure you don't send the wrong message with your carefully-chosen present.
Gift
What it really means
Chocolate
You look like you don't care how much you eat.
Flowers
I saw a florist as I was driving here.
Jewelry
I have more money than sense.
Card
I have no money and no sense.
Stuffed animal
I see you as a child.
Date
I'm uncomfortable spending money on someone else.
Kiss
I have even less money than the guy who bought you a card.
Gift card
I don't know what to get you (alternate: I'm Jewish).
Fragrance
I'm a pretentious asshole who can't just buy "perfume."
Perfume
I think you smell bad.
Watch
I'm tired of you always being late.
My novel Pinhole
I think you're brilliant, beautiful, and the center of my universe.
Lingerie
I consider you my "sex provider."
Music
I'm tired of hearing you talk.
Vacation
I'm richer than you, and I want you to remember that.
Wine
I like you better when you're/I'm drunk.
Children
I forgot to wear a condom.
Money
I'm going to leave this on your end table like we agreed on the phone.
Nothing
I've read this list and I gave up.  Wanna screw?

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