Friday, January 17, 2014

How to Write a Successful Blog in Three Easy Steps

If you're not all both of my regular readers (Hi honey!  Remember my parents are babysitting today.), you're probably here to find out my secrets to making a blog that brings in money.  Okay, ready?  Here goes:
  1. Um.
  2. Yeah, I don't actually make any money on this blog.
  3. Pretty much nobody makes money with blogs anymore.

I'm glad we got that out of the way.  I'd stop this week's post here, but I really should post some kind of advice.  Advice.  Hm.  Okay, here goes:
  1. Don't ask anyone out whom you've met in the waiting room of a mental institution or therapist.
  2. Never leave uncovered razorblades in an overnight bag next to your toothbrush.
  3. Don't write a blog.

Does that help?  No?  How about I take you through my blog-writing process?  Then you can learn how a successful, famous, blogger like myself.

I'll give you a moment to stop laughing before I go on.  Here is my three step process:
  1. So, first thing I do on "blogging day" is to look at Facebook.  In this way, "blogging day" is like every other day.  Really, the only difference is, eventually, I have to leave Facebook (and Twitter, and The New York Times, and CNN, and Fark, and DOMAI, and...) and do SOMEthing.
  2. Write something.  If I don't have something hilarious or thought-provoking, I'll go to a file I call "Blog2Do."  It's a list of hilarious or thought-provoking ideas I can use when I'm out of hilarious or thought-provoking ideas.

    For example, take this picture:
    No, seriously, take this picture.  Please.
    It's a silly, staged photograph that every NRA member is legally required to post once a year.  So, one of my hilarious or thought-provoking ideas is to expand on the idea.  For example:

    Guns don't kill people.  People kill people.

    Nuclear explosions don't cause nuclear fallout, cancer, and birth defects.  People cause fallout, cancer and birth defects.
    Alcohol and cars together don't cause traffic fatalities.  People cause traffic fatalities.

    Weak regulations and lax enforcement don't cause massive chemical spills.  People cause massive chemical spills.
    If you don't want to go with the thought-provoking route, you can always do humor.  ALways base your humor on something you know.  For example, what it's like to have children:

    If you don't want to go with something hilarious or thought-provoking...  Er, well, I can't help you there.
  3. Go back to Facebook.  It's a better use of your time.

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