Friday, December 20, 2013

Things I Love About Christmas

Who doesn't love Christmas?  It's the time of year when everyone is happy and gay (but not in the way that makes you uncomfortable).  I made a list of the four bestest things about Christmas.  If you are a person of true taste and character, you care what I love about Christmas enough to read these and make them a viral sensation.

Here they are!
  1. Cookies
    I'm a sucker for cookies.  I'm a bigger sucker(er) for cookies with frosting on them (cookies with frosting are what cake should be).  I'll eat anything but the rum balls, which were invented by the Halls Corporation as a new kind of cough drop.  Whoever dreamed up parties where people get together to bake cookies for Christmas deserves the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
  2. Seems everyone gets one of those.
  3. The Dickens Fair(e)
    Every year they turn the Cow Palace in San Francisco into a giant, Dickensian party.  There's period food and games and shows and everyone's in costume.  It's like a Renaissance Fair, but without all the people pretending they have the Black Plague and coughing on you.
    "Waaant a turrrrkey leeeeg?"
  4. Work
    Some day, work on Christmas eve/day.  It's peaceful, focused, energetic.  It's incredible.  I get so much done on Christmas, it makes up for the fact I don't work the rest of the year.  I'm not sure why working on Christmas is so great, but it may have something to do with-
  5. Feeling smug and superior
    Not being part of something makes you feel superior than all those people who are a part of it.  For example: vegetarians feel superior to those who eat meat.  Vegans feel superior to vegetarians.  Breatharians feel superior to those who aren't skeletons.
  6. Not celebrating Christmas makes me better than those of you who do.  Remember that
Okay, done.  Whew.  That was worse than pushing a pinecone through my urethra. 

I completely hate Christmas.  However, judging from how other people talk about Christmas, you can't just come out and say you hate it.  You have to talk about how much you like it first, then complain about what's wrong with it.  Here's my four.

Things that Suck About Christmas
  1. Bullies
    Everyone hates bullies, except at Christmastime.  At Christmas, bullies are encouraged by everyone to pick on kids who don't celebrate the holiday.  I've never been abused with such tacit support except in December.

    Some of those bullies are teachers.  Their reactions to my not celebrating Christmas ranged from shock, to confronting me about my religion, to ignoring my feelings.  Not every teacher was that way, of course.  But for every teacher who offered to add the dreidel song to the Christmas concert, was one who made me sing "Go Tell It on the Mountain" or sent me to the principal's office for not swaying to "Jingle Bell Rock."

    Long stories.  Tell you another year.
  2. Religious or Secular American Holiday
    Christmas isn't like light, which is a particle or a wave.  Pick one.  Seriously, pick... fucking... one.

    Christmas is a religious holiday, except there's a Christmas tree at the White House and a federal holiday.  So, it's a secular holiday, except there's all this whining about commercialism and the War on Christmas.  Look, just pick one.  If it's a federal/American/secular holiday, then get over it (or move secular Christmas to a different day and let everyone do it).  If it's a religious holiday, keep it in your homes and churches and out of every fucking other place in the country.

    Unless there's an ulterior motive for it being both.  Unless Christmas is a marketing trick used to get kids of other faiths to convert to Christianity ("See how great our religion is?  It has SANTA!").  Nah.  That'd be underhanded and sleazy.  Can't be true.
  3. It's not okay not to like Christmas
    Name two characters who hate Christmas.  Did you get Scrooge and the Grinch?  Can you think of any others?  There's just the two, and they're both cured of it in the end.

    Because of those two stupid characters, people get to tag me with those names and act like I'll love Christmas someday.  Yeah.  No.
  4. The music
    I will do anything you want.  I'll devote my life to charity, eat only bugs for a year, or tattoo Justin Bieber's butt cheeks on my forehead.  I will do anything if someone would just stop that insipid, repetitive, irritating music from playing everywhere I go over and over again until it drills into my brain and makes me homicidal.
Whew.  I feel better.  Now, I just have to get this pine cone out of my urethra.

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