Friday, November 29, 2013

Whiskey Tango Fuckwad

This is the NATO phonetic alphabet:


If you're not familiar with the phonetic alphabet, it's something soldiers use when they're trying to spell a word out over a static-ey phone line or when they're trying to impress women.


Chicks dig uniforms and phonetics
It's a pretty useful tool, especially when you're trying to spell your name to a salesperson.
"No, that's Matthew.  Two Ts.  One T spells 'Math, EW!'  No, it's not that hard.  Listen.  M-A-T-T...  *SIGH* Mike.  Alfa.  Tango.  TANGO..."
The problem is, you're likely to get your merchandise sent to Mike Tangotango.  Since the holiday shopping season is starting, you're likely to have a lot of presents that get lost or mixed up.  Face it, telephone salespeople are as dumb as sidewalk chalk.  You'd like to swear at them, but they'd just hang up and you'd have to call back and start over.

My solution?  The Matthew Phonetic Alphabet:
 
Letter
Telephony for Salespeople
A
Anal
B
Bitch
C
C-Word (like I'm going to go there)
D
Dick
E
Eat Me
F
Fuckwad
G
Gynecologist
H
Ho
I
Incest
J
Jugs
K
Karaoke
L
Lindsay Lohan
M
Muff
N
Necrophilia
O
Orgasm
P
Pecker
Q
Queef
R
Republican
S
Shithead
T
Trickle Down Economics
U
Underboob
V
Va-Jay-Jay
W
Woody
X
XXX
Y
Yank
Z
Zoophile
Trust me, just use this a few times and you'll see miraculous results.  You'll also spend a lot less this holiday season as retailers will suddenly refuse to take your money.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

which C-word? I can think of three.

Matthew Kagle said...

Take your pick! And, nice language. You kiss your mother with that C?