Thursday, May 2, 2013

Iron Man 3 Review [NO SPOILERS]

I got to see Iron Man 3 last night, long before you did.  Don’t feel bad.  Some of us get special treatment because we’re better than everyone else.  My wife’s work got us tickets to a special screening last night usually reserved for critics and video pirates, so I figured I was obligated to write a review.  Kind of like trickle-down economics for popular entertainment.  Anyway, I know how irritating it is to have major plot points revealed, so I’ve made sure my review is entirely spoiler-free.

This was the worst Iron Man movie of them all.  It was really, heart-stoppingly, jaw-droppingly, hip-hoppingly terrible.  From the first frame to the last, absolutely awful.  Seriously.  Zero stars out of a hundred.

Gweneth Paltrow phoned this one in.  Sure, the sex scene with Tony was cool, but she obviously used a body double. Robert Downey Junior did his best considering the material (you try acting to TONY IS ZAPPED BY WEAPON, LOSES ALL HIS MEMORY).  Really, the big problem with RDJ is that they’re obviously trying to replace him.  I don’t care about the kid genius who’ll be in Iron Man 4 and Avengers 2!  Show me Tony Stark, not Tony Stark in a Stupid Wheelchair.

In every Iron Man movie, Stark has to invent a new suit of armor with way cool powers.  This movie was no exception, but they’ve obviously run out of ideas.  Iron Man is supposed to be red and gold, not purple and green, even if he can turn invisible.  It would also be nice if we could skip the “Stark has to make a suit out of spare parts” scenes in future movies.  It’s absurd to watch him walk into a car junkyard and walk out in in “Rusty Ford Pinto Armor.”

Anomies (Enemies, really, but I'm trying to go with the 3A thing)
Iron Man’s main villain was always The Mandarin.  In the comics, Mandarin has magic powers in each ring he wears.  The Marvel movies recast comic book magic in scientific terms.  Thor is no longer a magical god, for example, he’s just from a scientifically advanced civilization.  I understand that choice, but did they have to make the Mandarin an alien to make his powers make sense?

Oh, wait, that was kind of a spoiler.  Pretend I didn’t say that.

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