I'd like to post a SPOILER WARNING here, but as Star Trek Into Darkness is already pretty rotten, it seems redundant.
You may not know it, but the FBI frequently does surveillance tapes of Hollywood producers. I just got this one from an FIA request.
INT. EMPTY WAREHOUSE - DAY
ROBERTO, DAMON, and ALEX (indistinguishable Hollywood types
wearing blue shirts and ties) wait at a conference table.
Damon throws pencils at the ceiling, but they keep landing on
his face. Roberto flips through a notepad. Alex spins
around in circles in his swivel chair.
JJ, their boss, enters. He's a short man with glasses a gold
halo taped to the back of his head. The other three kneel as
he comes in.
Hey, you don't have to kneel just
because I'm Hollywood's golden boy.
I'm just kidding. If you didn't
kneel I'd fire your asses. Okay,
you can get up now.
They all return to their chairs.
I've been thinking about the next
Star Trek movie. As you all know,
I hated the TV shows.
(clamoring to agree)
Too much science!
Not enough lens flares!
All that thinking and philosophy!
Now I can make Star Trek as high
budget, mindless action flicks, I
love it. But I've hit a snag.
All three yes-men gasp.
It can't be!
Say it ain't so, JJ!
I've run out of ideas. I've only
got one. (rummages around in his
pocket and pulls out a cocktail
napkin and reads off it) "Rip off
Wrath of Khan."
The yes-men applaud.
We still need a confusing plot
that's never explained, an evil
government, and a woman who takes
her clothes off for no reason.
Just like all my movies. Ideas?
All three men raise their hands. JJ points at Damon.
There's an admiral who wants to
start a war with the Klingons. He
has a fake terrorist kill the other
admirals. He uses that excuse to
send the Enterprise with seventy
special torpedoes to kill the
terrorist on Kronos. But the
torpedoes are secretly filled with
Good. Let's do it.
Alex and Roberto look chagrined they didn't get picked.
Wait, wouldn't Kirk ask why they
need dozens of torpedoes to kill
JJ snaps his fingers angrily, and they all turn to him.
Did you forget the Bad Robot motto?
He points to a giant banner hanging behind him: NOTHING
SHOULD MAKE SENSE.
Maybe the terrorist secretly hid
troops in the torpedoes to keep
How are you safe in a torpedo?
JJ snaps and points to the banner again. Alex hangs his head.
Also, he gets to the planet with a
super transporter thingy.
If they have super transporters,
why do they need ships?
Doesn't matter! Now, we need a bad
guy with a Texas accent. His
daughter will have a British accent
because I know an actress who'll
off her clothes.
Weren't we going to have Uhura take
her clothes off?
She got naked in the last movie.
Let's have her get choked by a
Yes, and throw in the words "cold
fusion" because I don't know what
that means. And Kirk should losehis ship and get it back five minutes later.
Alex, Roberto, and Damon all jump out of their chairs andcheer.
ALEXYou've done it again!
DAMONYou're still the golden boy!
JJ smiles and waves, modestly.
JJThese things practically writethemselves.