Monday, April 15, 2013


We’ve all heard about the Twilight novels and movies.  More specifically, we’ve all heard how bad they are.  They’re icky.  They have sparkling vampires.  The main character has no character.  Still, I thought: I love Harry Potter and that got a lot of criticism.  I figured I should give it a try.  Millions of rabid fans can’t be wrong, can they?

Yes.  Yes, they can.

I got to page 347 before I gave up.  I would have given up earlier, but I was reading it to my wife at night, and it was doing a better job of putting her to sleep than a whole bottle of Tylenol PM washed down by a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Note to self: stop by liquor store and pharmacy on the way home from work.
So, why didn’t I like it?  Well, it wasn’t for the usual reasons.  It wasn’t:

The characters.
Okay, yeah, they’re pretty bad.  They’re all two-dimensional.  Bella pines after Edward and does nothing else.  Edward makes intense looks and smiles, but does nothing else.

The abuse
Okay, yeah, that’s pretty bad.  Edward fits all the characteristics of an abusive boyfriend.  And a quick message to all my friends: I don’t care if you’ve been married and in love for fifty years, if someone tells you he thinks about killing you, you get the fuck out.

The plot
Okay, yeah, that’s pretty bad.  Nothing really happens.  Let me give you an example, in one scene, Bella is introduced to his vampire family who disapproves of Edward taking up with a human.  Aaaaand?  Nothing happens.  They’re all very nice.

No, it wasn’t any of that that made me throw the book down in disgust.  It was the piano.

On page 326, Edward plays the piano for Bella.  He’s an incredible pianist (he’s perfect at everything; see “characters,” above), and he plays something “unbearably sweet” he composed.  She’s overwhelmed.  Then he says:

“You inspired this one.”

If, like me, you threw up into your mouth a bit as you read that, Twilight isn’t for you either.


RF said...

The covers are cool, but from your commentary and numerous others', I don't think I ever want to read it for enjoyment... It just sounds like a really cheesy, supposedly romantic and sweet "fanfiction" an acquaintance of mine had me read.

Matthew Kagle said...

There was a show called The Young Ones on the BBC. They made fun of another BBC show called The Good Life. One of the characters burst through the screen in the middle of the parody and screamed "I can't take it anymore! Everyone is so bloody nice!!" That's how I felt.

The thing to remember, is this is a kid's book. I think Harry Potter and The Hunger Games made us forget that Young Adult=For Kids.