Monday, April 22, 2013

43rd Birthday Preparations: Progress

Since all none of all both of my readers have asked, I’ll update you on my birthday plans.  As you already know, this year I was hoping to go on a quest.  In short:  ask me to do anything you want or need done the week of the 16th of May, and I’ll do it.  In exchange, you pay me anything you choose (preferably something I can be photographed with).  I’ll show up dressed as a knight with a sword and a shield and will do anything at all so long as it won’t get me arrested.

To pull this feat off, I need four things: a shield, a sword, a costume, and volunteers to give me tasks to accomplish.  Here’s how I’m doing so far.

I bought a shield and have an artist designing my coat of arms.  She should have a final design as soon as I stop being a nit-picky bastard.

I already own a katana I bought in Walt Disney World during a choir tour in college (long story) and a sword cane given to me after I sprained my ankle in college (also a long story).  Neither is really “knight in shining armor material.”  Either I’m going to have to be a “samurai in shining armor” or “a knight in shining dentures” or I have to buy a new one.

A few weeks ago, I went to the San Jose Fantasy Faire and checked out a wooden gladius and an iron seax.  I fell in love with both, but man they’re expensive.  Shining dentures here I come.
But you got to admit.  Daaaayum!

I talked about this a while ago.  I was trying to choose between renting and buying.  I think I’ll go with buying since I might ruin the costume, depending on how dangerous or disgusting my quest is.

If you total up all the requests for my help, I have….  None.  So, you better get in your requests for help soon!  I mean, I’m offering free help to do anything (walk your dog, deliver a subpoena, teach your child to tie shoes) in exchange for anything (a piece of paper with a smiley face sticker, a handshake, a bent penny).  There must be millions out there desperate for that kind of help, they’re just… Waiting…  Until…  Later. 

If you’re one of those people waiting: stop!  Don’t wait until I don’t have time for you anymore.  You don’t want to be left alone… On your birthday… In a stupid costume…  Doing nothing…



RF said...

I would try to think of some "quests" for you if I actually lived somewhat close to the San Francisco Bay area.

Matthew Kagle said...

I was being picky about geography, but I'm not anymore. Too few people in the Bay Area who are willing to do anything. So, if you can think of something, I'll try and tape it and email a video to you.

RF said...

Well then, I'll see if I can come up with anything.