Friday, March 1, 2013

Things That Pissed Me Off Today



The Catcher in the Rye
I knew only a few things about The Catcher in the Rye when I picked it up from the library:

·         It’s a great novel
·         John Lennon was shot because of it
·         John Cusack was sad when he became too old to play the main character
·         JD Salinger went into seclusion after he wrote it.

I managed to avoid spoilers for years, afraid someone would ruin the experience for me.  It was with great excitement that I read the first few pages, where the main character said he’d tell us how he ended up in a mental institution.

You want to know what happens to him?  [spoiler alert]  Nothing!  Not a goddamn thing.  He leaves his school and wanders around New York like a spoiled moron.  That’s it.  That’s the whole book.

Hey, John Cusack, you can still make a movie where a spoiled middle-aged guy wanders around New York!  Well, now I know why Salinger went into seclusion.  I’d like to shoot him.  Maybe that’s why Lennon died; he was standing in front of Salinger. 

Dentists
All my life, dentists have told me the same thing:  I have too much plaque on my upper gum line, especially around my canines.  I need to brush more there.

Year after year, the same thing: brush your gum line.  This year, my dentist pointed out my gums were receding.  At some point, I might have to have surgery to move my gums back over my teeth.  Why?  Well, it seems I brushed my gums too much.

Last week I took my son in to the dentist.  You know what he said?  He should brush around his gums more.  It’s like the circle of life, only with dentists making you feel bad and taking your money.

My School’s Tech Department
My grades are due this weekend, but the online grade registration system doesn’t have my class in it.  I called tech support.  The support guy spent twenty minutes on the phone with me, asking questions, typing away like mad.  In the end, I asked if he had fixed the problem.

He hadn’t.  All that was just to fill out the support ticket. 

The Car Repair Place
My car has to go in for repair since there’s a recall on it.  However, in spite of the fact cars might explode at any given moment, they only fix a few cars a week.  When it was finally my turn to bring the car in, they tell me they have to have the car all day.

All day to replace one part?  What is it made of?  C4? 

Amazon
Wait, I have to write my own review of my book to put it on Kindle?  What if I can’t capture the awesome majesty of my work?  What if nobody reads it?!  Can I just write “This book is fucking awesome.  If you don’t read it the world will end?”

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