Friday, October 19, 2012

Kinky Disney Princesses

A few years ago I wrote a piece about the secret Disney vacation packages I had discovered.  Since I had taken some artistic license, I ended up on the receiving end of Disney's litigation arm (known as the "Happiest Legal Team on Earth").  I immediately switched to writing puff pieces about Disney resorts.  I am happy to report we've come to an equitable settlement (I get to keep my house), and I am free to speak my mind once again.

Here's what I've been wanting to say: don't send your husband to a Disney movie with your kids.

Disney movies are all about the princesses.  While a little girl will leave a Disney movie wondering what it's like to be the princess in the film and wear her dresses and live in her castle, her father will be wondering what it's like to get that princess into bed.

Hey, it's just how guys think.  Girls want to dress up like Belle, boys want to undress Belle.  That's why there's so many pictures of Disney princesses having sex on the internet (No, I'm not going to link to that one.  Go check it out yourself.).  We can't help but wonder what each princess's kink is.  For my male readers, I've compiled a handy list, below:

  • Snow White - Group sex
  • Cinderella - Foot fetish (duh)
  • Aurora - Only "wakes up" after "love's first kiss" if you know what I mean
  • Ariel - Likes it in the shower
  • Belle - Bestiality
  • Jasmine - Let's just say you have to "rub her lamp"
  • Pocahontas - Only outdoors or public places
  • Fa Mulan - Cross-dressing
  • Tiana - Ew
  • Rapunzel - Wants to be tied up
  • Merida - Love's arrow

For my female readers, I've compiled a handy list of tips on how to handle your husband after sending him and your kids to a Disney film.

  • Sleep on the couch tonight, especially if the movie was "The Princess and the Frog."


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