Monday, October 8, 2012

Business Trips and the Married Woman

Business trips are for single people.  The married know there is nothing more dangerous than when one partner goes away for a long time leaving the home and kids under the care of the other.  While husbands are relatively safe going away because -- as several married women told me -- wives are perfect, the opposite isn’t true.
I can only guess what same sex couples go through.
A woman returning from a business trip expects to find her home burned down, her children abducted by pedophiles, her pets on the barbecue, and a tribe of Australian supermodels camped out in the front yard waiting to be inseminated by her husband.  All of these expectations are completely reasonable.  However, most of these dangers can be avoided by some simple measures.  The wife can leave a daily schedule with a list of tasks to keep the home fires burning, but within the fireplace.  Scheduling restaurant deliveries and asking neighbors to check in from time to time will assure your family remains alive.

There is, sadly, one danger that can’t be avoided by prophylactic measures: cheating.  Statistics show that, for every day a wife is away, her husband has a five percent cumulative chance of cheating on her.
See, you know I didn’t make that statistic up because I have a chart.
Sure, you can leave reminders (“Don’t impregnate the housekeeper, Arnold!”), arrange for your burly family members to make threatening phone calls, and leave a stash of pornography in the TV room.  Sadly, nagging, threatening, and masturbating only does so much.  If you are your husband’s sex provider, and you aren’t providing your man is likely to “go out of network.”

So, what can you do?  You need to hire a contractor.  I’m not saying you get a prostitute.  That would be absurd.  I’m saying you need to arrange for him to have sex with one of your friends.

Now, before you call up that cute sorority sister and ask her to drop by, you need to know a few rules.  While everyone acknowledges that affairs are harmless, there is always the danger that your husband could eventually, leave you for your friend.  You need to make the following arrangements so he’s overjoyed when you return:

  1.  Call your second most attractive friend.Your most attractive friend is the most dangerous one.
  2. Tell her to only do That One Kinky Thing You Won’t Do In Bed.Your husband will quickly become bored and never ask for it again.
  3.  Make her practice being violently schizophrenic.Have her leave scary messages on his phone, hide severed animal heads under his pillow, and talk about her “commitment to Jesus.”  He’ll be overjoyed when you get home.
  4. On the day before you return, have her mention how she tested positive for a venereal disease.Nothing makes a man crave a monogamy more than the fear of having his penis fall off.

And there you have it!  A few simple measures and you can leave on a trip secure that your husband won’t screw things up.  Although he will, you know, screw things.

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