Tuesday, August 21, 2012

My GOP Candidacy

Dear Republican National Committee,

As honored as I am by receiving your nomination for Republican Candidate for President of the United States of America, I can’t help but feel a trifle confused.
A trifle, confused
Not only have I never held any political office before, but I’m also not a Republican.  For a while, I thought you might have meant to send your letter to my wife the usability engineer (who would make all the government’s websites look fabulous and so easy to use), but she assures me she’s a woman and, therefore, completely incompatible with Republican ideals.  Eventually, I realized your party’s selection process involves picking the candidate with the best teeth, and it all became clear.
My Credentials
I do have a fabulous mouth, although I have some bunching on my lower incisors.  I worry the bunching would cause me trouble later in the election.  I figure I can only release my last two years of dental records, and the problem should go away.  You know the Democrats would never make a big deal about anything like that.

So, I am pleased to accept your offer, but only if you accept my conditions.  They are:
  • My running mate has to be a sexy woman with little intellectual power.  Throughout the campaign, she will spout incoherent, homespun wisdom to distract voters from my failings.  In private, she will give me massages in a bikini and black leather mask.
  • My campaign slogan must be either “The Poor Can Suck It!” or “If Everyone Had a Nucular Bomb, Our Streets Would Be Safe From Crime!”
  • My first act as president will be to eliminate all income taxes, import/export taxes, and sales taxes.  The government’s revenue will come entirely from capital gains taxes, which will go up to 99%.  We’ll have to cut wasteful spending by eliminating the military, police, firefighters, the Department of Education and Homeland Security, but those departments are merely entitlements for the moocher class who can’t fire a gun, hold a water hose, homeschool, or investigate other countries.
I look forward to your reply.  Long live the GOP!


The I Can Write Funny Guy

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