Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Dukan Diet Side Effects

I’m writing this entry on my humor blog even though it’s not a humor piece.  You need to know the truth about the popular Dukan Diet that has been a fad since Kate Middleton went on it before marrying a prince.  Since then, the diet has been wreaking havoc on countless lives, including mine.
My wife started the diet only a few days ago.  Here’s some excerpts from my diary for those days:
Day 1
She decided to go on something called “The Dukan Diet.”  She says it’s French, which is a good reason to do anything, and that people have lost a ton of weight on it.  The diet makes me nervous (I mean, I’m pretty close to a vegetarian and she’s going to be eating a ton of meat), but I’m going to try to be supportive.  After all, she supported me when I went through my “gluing antennas to my face will make me smarter” phase.

Day 2
The diet seems to be working well.  She already lost a few pounds.  I’m just worried there are going to be problems.  I looked up “side effects” on the internet and could only find references to “obscene cravings.”  So, our sex life might get interesting.  I’ve decided to continue to be supportive since she supported me during my “I need a tattoo of Chewbacca on my chest” phase.

Day 3
I found my wife eating raw chicken breast out of the freezer last night at two in the morning.  That was odd, because we had a ton of raw chicken already thawed out in the refrigerator.  She told me she was having horrible cravings, but she could handle them, and it was worth it.  After all, she’d lost another four pounds.  I’ve decided to be supportive because I remembered how supportive she was when I went through my “we need a stripper pole at the local school” phase.

Day 4
I can’t find the cats.  The kids are distraught, but my wife seems unconcerned.  She told me we can buy more cats “by the pound.”  I worry about her and her diet.  She spent a lot of time licking my head tonight before we went to bed.  Still, I’m going to be supportive.  She supported me in my “I’m going to eat beans, put a whistle up my butt, and become a professional flatulence musician” phase.

That’s the end of my diary.  After I wrote it we went to sleep, and I woke up to the sound of my wife sharpening a knife next to the bed.  When I asked her what she was doing, she just said “BRAIIINS!” and jumped at me.  That was strange, because I don’t know anybody named “Brian S.”  I’ve locked myself in the closet.  My wife is trying to break down the door, but I’ve posted a message for 911 on my Facebook page.  They ought to be here any day now.
For those of you considering the Dukan Diet: just don’t!  It’s not worth the weight loss.  Well, okay, you do lose a lot of weight, but I’m not going to support my wife anymore, even though she supported me during my “I need a penis enlar-”


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