Tuesday, July 31, 2012

How to Cut a Birthday Cake

If you've never thrown a child's birthday party, you've never learned how to cut a cake properly.  Oh, I know what you're thinking: "Oh, come on, I've cut a cake before."  No, no you don't.  There's a right way and a wrong way to cut a kid's.  Let's do a quick test.  How would you cut the cake above?

Did you imagine cutting it like this?
That would be logical; all the kids would have the same sized piece.  It's also completely wrong.

Did you imagine cutting it like this?
Also logical; you have a variety of sizes so kids can have big pieces and adults can have small ones.  It's also completely wrong.

The correct cutting pattern is this one.
Confused?  Here's an explanation:
  1. Piece for the birthday girl who insists on eating the purple circle.
  2. Piece for the birthday girl's sister, who has to have a piece that isn't touching anyone else's.
  3. Another piece for the sister who "accidentally" dropped her cake on the floor but was totally willing to eat it anyway.
  4. The head goes to birthday girl's "boyfriend" (God forbid), who likes to pretend it's screaming while he eats it.
  5. Pieces cut specially for the adults at the party.  (Will go uneaten.)
  6. Piece for parent of birthday girl so he can show other adults that they should be eating their cake becuase, goddamnit, you bought the friggin' thing and you cut it and got frosting all over your clothes so they damn well better eat.
Think I'm just making this whole cake cutting thing up?  Here's "after pictures" of the cakes at the last two birthday parties I went to.

Yeah, not making it up.
"Don't drop it this time!"

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