Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Eat Up, America!


Let's talk about the United States and our passion for food.  Some basic facts:
  • Americans have the most varied diet in the world.
    Honest!  We eat thousands of kinds of food from dozens of ethnic cuisines.  I don't understand why so many of us take vitamins; we got that covered.  I also don't understand why people think diet cures all diseases; with our diets, we should kill germs three feet from our bodies!
  • Americans are the fattest people in the world.
    We're 5% of the planet's population, but we carry 30% of the fat.  I'm surprised Japan (one of the skinniest populations) invented sumo wrestling.  Come to think of it, we should probably make sumo our new national pastime.  We'd totally kill Japan!
  • I'm five pounds overweight.
    This will become relevant in a few paragraphs.  I would also like to point out that I've been ten pounds overweight for three years, so I'm making progress.  I can barely see my chins anymore!  Well, unless I look in a mirror.
  • Beauty is, by definition, rare.
    You ever notice how, when you see a hot girl from the back, your heart will skip a beat until you realize she's Asian?  I mean, not you or me of course, but some racist.  Some awful racist who has nothing to do with us.  The point is, this racist might feel, because there is such a high population of gorgeous Asian women, the beautiful Caucasian was lovelier because they are so rare.  And then that racist would have a horrible life and die miserably in a concentration camp.  Move along.  Nothing to see here.

What should you do about this? 
You should eat more.  You're too skinny.  Seriously, your mother and I are worried about you.  Have another piece of cheesecake.
No, seriously, we need to find a replacement for foie gras.
Why should you eat more?
Wow, you really weren't paying attention, were you?  I'll write slower and use smaller words.  Beauty is that which is rare.  If almost all women looked like Paris Hilton, then... 
Oh, shoot, I got a picture of a walrus by mistake.  Oh.  No.  Wait...
Well, the human race would quickly go extinct, either from lack of reproduction or the cumulative effects of six billion people projectile vomiting.  Okay, let's try that a different way.  If everyone looked like Bar Rafaeli (WHOSE NUDE PICTURES I TOTALLY AM POSTING ON THIS SITE SO POINT YOUR SEARCH ENGINE HERE) then, suddenly, Rosie O'Donell will be swamped with would-be suitors because she'd be so rare and rare is beautiful.
I added this photo in case you don't know who she is.  I figure you'll remember her now.
Of course, all those suitors would look like Bar Rafaeli (WHO IS TOTALLY NUDE ON THIS SITE!  COME ON, I NEED TO GET MY NUMBERS UP!!).  And that wouldn't work out well for poor Rosie.
I tried to approximate the look on Rosie's face when she realized she'd be swamped with women who look like Bar
What are you talking about?
Oh, I went off on a NUDE MODELS ON MY SITE tangent, didn't I?  The point is, if everyone in the United States of America was fat and ugly, I'd suddenly be really hot.  If I was really hot, I wouldn't feel the need to lose those extra five pounds by eating nothing but carrot sticks and cod liver oil for sixteen straight months.  I could just let it go at the five pounds I already lost and be happy.
What I would look like if you were fatter.
And, really, that's the point of a healthy diet.  Isn't it?

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